I wasted so much time

Losing a parent
1

Dad has been gone for nearly three months. He died badly in hospital after a month on a ward, and I feel responsible for not realising soon enough that he needed end of life care, and pushing for this, because the hospital were never going to suggest it. I let him down when he needed me the most and I will carry that guilt for life.

We had only recently started to refresh our relationship after many years during which I distanced myself from him for what I was realising were stupid and baseless reasons. I will carry the regret and bitterness and remorse for my stupidity for the rest of my life.

Time is our most precious possession, and I wasted it.

Despite the distance between us, there were times and circumstances when we could be together: conversations about the news, DIY projects, anniversaries and birthdays and Christmas… I used to love the Autumn and Winter partly because I hate the heat (something Dad and I had in common) but mostly because I always enjoyed what I call winter culture. The activities, the cosy feeling of being at home with the family, the fact that all our birthdays were at that time of year… it has always had warm childhood memories and, lately, more opportunities for me to be with Dad without me causing any friction.

I’m currently suffering through this heatwave and, previously, I would have comforted myself with thoughts of Autumn, but now I can’t, because all I can feel is dread at going through the first Autumn and Winter, the birthdays and Christmas, without him. He was a huge part of life, especially at those times, and my feelings are complicated…

Self loathing for pushing him away, and for letting him down in hospital, dread at approaching those short days and long nights without the life and presence he brought to the house… it feels so empty without him.

I don’t know how to deal with it. I’very been going to therapy but it’s useless, I don’t feel any different and the therapist just sits there and suggests nothing.

I would rather sit in this hot hell forever than face the pain and he’ll of a Winter without his presence, his humour, without knowing he is just there. He was a good dad, he had all the right qualities, he made you feel safe and protected. I’m breaking down every day over my stupidity and over the realisation of what I’very lost.

I don’t know how to get through this year with my sanity intact.

3 Likes
2

Of all the things I’ve mentioned, one thing is torturing me above all.

I wasted the last years of Dad’s life distancing myself from him for what I now see were stupid reasons. Every day I wake up in pain because of the wasted time and begging the universe to let me wake up three years ago, to give me that time back so I can fix some of the problem, have some time to make amends for my stupid behaviour.

Every single day I am tortured by being unable to go to him and explain and confess and to promise to be better and not to waste any more of our time together.

And the result of this for the future is that I can’t bear the idea of moving on, doing new things, making friends or prospering in any way, because I haven’t done any of that since Covid, and I wonder if I transferred my frustration with life onto him to avoid facing it, myself. So if I now go out and fix my broken life, it feels like I could only do that because Dad is now dead… and I can’t bear that thought. He was such a good father, caring, thoughtful, capable and always, always there when you needed him. Always. And I wasn’t there for him when he needed me.

3 Likes
3

Hello @Mike3018,

Thank you for sharing this with us - I’m so sorry that you’ve been struggling so much right now, and that you’re carrying so much pain. From what you’ve shared, it really shines through how much you loved your dad. The feelings of guilt and ‘what ifs’ you describe are really common for people who have experienced loss, but it doesn’t mean that you have let him down. It sounds like you did the best you could for your dad in very difficult circumstances.

I’m really sorry that therapy hasn’t felt helpful for you so far. If the guilt you’re describing feels particularly overwhelming, you might want to take a look at our online grief and bereavement service here, where you can fill in a short digital triage to be matched with support that feels right for you.

Please do keep posting if it helps, and I hope that you find support and comfort from others on here too.

Take good care :blue_heart:

Harriet

4

Hi @Mike3018

Wow, I can hear in your words how overwhelming all this is for you. It’s tough when your grief is so new & raw.

My mom passed 5 years ago, brain tumours, the sad thing with loosing a parent, we are so used to them always being there that we become complacent, & though we know realistically no-one lives forever, we always expect them to be there because we can’t imagine a world without them, so it’s such a shock when they do pass, :pensive_face:. My heart goes out to you at this heartbreaking time. Sending hugs of support.

As for therapy, a therapists job is to listen, they’re not supposed to provide suggestions, because they can’t tell you what is right for you, only you can do that. This is your grief journey, so do what works for you, some people keep a grief journal, some make a memory box or scrapbook of their loved ones, some talk to a photo of their loved one. I know it’s hard, especially if your having a difficult grief, all I can say is, take it one day at a time, & do whatever you need to do, if you feel work is a healthy distraction, or if you need to take time out for you, do it. It’s probably best not to look too far ahead right now. Look after yourself.

5

Sorry for your loss, I think many of us have regrets when someone dies. I wasn’t there in the last two days of my partner’s life as I was fixing up a flat for a relative. I bitterly regret that. Realistically I know I couldn’t have prevented his sudden death but his last conversation was with a neighbour when it should have been me. You had reconciled your differences and I’m sure your dad appreciated that. End of life care seems to be very problematic in some hospitals just now but you did your best in a difficult situation.

You are grieving, your emotions are normal, and the darkness can be all consuming. I hope you have some support from family or friends. If your counselling sessions are not helpful, perhaps try a different therapist. Keep posting on here, give vent to your feelings. Take care.

6

Hi @Mike3018
I suspect your dad was pleased you had reconnected again. I know it’s easy for me to say this as I’m not in your shoes, but we all have regrets when we are grieving. Our mind tortures us with the ‘I should have done’ ‘I could have done.’ And it’s very hard to get out of that cycle, if nothing else read your quote above when your are struggling and try to imagine how pleased your dad would have been about this. Take care :light_blue_heart:

1 Like