I wish I could have made my mum happy

I’m in my sixties and my mum died six months ago aged 92. We had a difficult relationship all my life, I felt as though I had to make her happy and she was never happy. . She always made me feel guilty although towards the end of her life which was sudden and a shock to me, she expressed appreciation of what I did for her. Today I have cried all day, I feel very lonely, (I live alone) I think about how sad her life was. I wish I could have been more loving and made her happy. I’ve always been a positive person but now I feel as though I’ve lost my joi de vivre, and I can hardly be bothered to do much at all.

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Hi kristi, My Mum was a very anxious person who needed me all the time, due to her issues. As a result, we loved each other, but the relationship was a challenge. We would at times clash.
The positives and the negatives of Mum and my relationship gives me some difficult thoughts whilst grieving. I regret a great deal, if the positions had been reversed she’d have remorse too. I’d love 5 more minutes to tell her I love her. I’m sure if she could she’d like to do the same.
All that matters at the end of the day is the love. Remember, what she meant to you. It’s lovely that she said she appreciated you later in life. Sometimes, pride stops us saying all we could say when our loved ones are alive. And of course, we don’t always know that they will be taken away from us suddenly. I’ve lost a lot of motivation. Grief is exhausting.

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I think we have to realise that life isnt perfect.
We argue and bicker. Especially those of us who lived with our mums. My mum and I used to have some right ding dongs. I dont look back and regret them. That’s what life is. We always made up and I think it showed how similar we were both were.
My mum knew I loved her and worried so much about her. I miss having her to worry about. I was never happier than when we were in the kitchen catching up on our day or walking round the shops or enjoying a pub lunch together.
I’m trying so hard to be grateful for those times instead of wallowing x

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I used to cook in the kitchen, whilst talking to Mum in the sitting room. I used to talk for hours, as I used to do a lot of home cooking. I miss that so much.

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You know all our mum’s will know how much we loved them and they loved us no matter how are relationships were we all done our best for our mum’s I was very lucky to spend 4 years looking after my mum full time because my mum had Alzheimers she was very quiet but I do know she loved me for a long time I had guilt about everything but Daffy is right I know that all our mum’s will be proud of what we did with and for our mum’s and in the future we can all remember all the nice and good times love

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Hi Kristi
I totally understand how you are feeling, my Mum & I also had a strained relationship at times.
Although our love never ceased there were times of separation.
What I am finding the hardest is that my family are now throwing all that back in my face. I feel very alone with my grief.
They have each other at least.
We lost Mum 18/11/19 so I appreciate that we are all still in shock.

I hope you are having as good a day as possible xx

Hi Justine, I am sending my love and prayers. You’re not alone. It must be horrible for you to be the one in your family who is bearing the brunt of everyone’s grief and guilt. When someone dies, most of us feel some guilt and you’re the one who’s getting everyone’s projections.
My mother died in June and although all my life we had a difficult relationship, the past few years I moved nearer and I tried to do as much as I could for her. And although I was the one who got the worst of her, I am the one who who misses her and grieves. My brother, who was her favourite, seems not to have been affected. He admits he’s never shed a tear. My sister and other brother hadnt seen my mother for years and didn’t even come to the funeral.
I have days where I feel so sad and on the verge of tears all the time. So like you I feel alone in my grief too.
What can I say to you Justine that might help? Try and remember that you are carrying all your family’s unconscious guilt. It’s easier to blame someone else rather than face up.
Grief is a slow process. It takes its own time. Nobody escapes it. We just have to endure it and be gentle with ourselves xxx

I absolutely agree about being gentle with ourselves. We’ve been or are going through a terrible shock.
Gently, does it. x

Hi Kristi

Thankyou for your kind words xx

How the subject of this topic resonates with me.
After my dad died on the 9th May 1989, my mum became a nightmare, I have tried not to mention her very often in my posts. However, even though she knew that I had health problems (although she did tell me that there was nothing wrong with me whilst we were still in church after a beautiful Service, all the peace which I had received disappeared). My mum was like the little girl who had a little curl, when she was good she was lovely, when she was bad she was horrible. I was the only one out of the three of us who stayed in our home town. Poor Stan, used to take some stick from her. I can’t go into details, it is still too painful, she passed away 22 years ago. October 1997. I can say this, my mum was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad, we had the same sense of humour and he was fun and laughter.

I am alone now too since losing mum suddenly just before xmas. We were never a family to show affection except in birthday cards etc. I have a few friends but dont see them much they have their own lives and families so im pretty isolated. Not wanting to go out anyway, staying in bed a lot. I dont even know why im still here i feel useless, This forum is my only outlet to be honest. Hugsx

Hi Kristi I am so sorry to hear about your mum those first few months are so hard you feel so lost I to live on my own since mum went ,why don’t you reach out to your friends sometimes people don’t no what to say and stay away it’s not easy grief it’s a real roller Jo coaster of emotions and it does take time to even get your thoughts together it’s so hard and each day is different I’m sure you did make your mum happy but every person is different in showing how they feel hopefully in the future you can remember good and happy times my mum wasn’t a big hugger and my child hood wasn’t good because of my dad but later on me and mum done some lovely stuff together maybe ring a friend tell them you need to talk I’m sure they will step up may be try and go to the shops for half an hour just to make you get up and dressed I’m so sorry the way you feel is natural I did want to stay in bed but I made my self get up and tryed to keep busy even cleaning to keep going my thoughts and heart go out to you love jage