I have had so many friends and relatives who advise me to be kind to me?, “That you have not started grieving yet”,some have taken as little as 2, 3, etc years".
Going through the process from the 19th June, sorting out legal stuff, the cremation, listening to many throw away comments, dismissed many, until too many of the same comments come from a wide selection of friends and relatives, comments that had an agreement. The main one that my wife had decided not to go past her 70th in April anyway. (And I get stop beating yourself up, so why’d you relatives have to start the conversation again, I didn’t.)
The point of this I have begun to not just question her motives and intentions, but to hate and almost despise her.
The realisation that I have been living with a spiteful manipulative calculated person who had dismissed me and the consequences of her actions.
I really feel like I would or should have walked away 5 years ago. Not that that had been a consideration.
I so hate the thought of hating her now.
I have cried for missing her cried for every little thing song occasional reminder, now, … I even found coming on here getting hard… cheers Colin
Its an opportunity to clear the head, a head full of conflicting views, opinions about what ",they believe that i should do, and that phrase “if it were me”, I want to grab the shxt and say “well your not are you”, and so many "oh well you don’t want to listen to xxxx, " can anyone advise me of an exit strategy beyond cricket bat
Hi. Colin. Please don’t take exception to anything I say because it is well intentioned.
Hate is a very powerful and corrosive emotion. If it’s prolonged it can eat into our soul, and we only see the negative aspects of the world. Forgiveness can ease a burden. I did not hate my mother. (she has been dead for 30 odd years), but I never got on with her and even disliked her at times, But I could have been a better son, and after she had gone I gave forgiveness and for her to forgive me. We all act according to our own views and how we see life.
You hate the thought of hating her. Of course you do. But that burden will weigh heavily on you unless you can find it in your heart to forgive. So many go through life carrying this burden of hate and guilt, because one usually accompanies the other.
I am not minimising your strong emotions and feelings.
I have recently posted about ‘the sheep and the goats’. We need to sort one from the other. The goats are usually full of platitudes and useless advice and to be avoided. The ‘sheep’ are the quiet ones who may sit with you, hold your hand and say nothing inappropriate.
I do hope this site is helping you. I too hesitated before I came on here but thank God I did. You may well say ‘oh yes, all very well, but you have not been through what I have!’. None of us has been through what anyone else has because bereavement is very personal and everyone sees it through in their own way. We can only help based on our own experience.
Best wishes. John.
Colin, a lot of people are clueless when confronted by someone who is grieving. I understand the cricket bat, it really does have that effect on you You can’t believe they could be so crass and all those platitudes they trot out make you want to scream. If they haven’t actually been through it they really have no idea, they go on at length about how awful it was when their mum/dad/ cat/dog died. They just don’t get it , you don’t give a s… about that. losing a partner is a complete life changer. And you have so many conflicting issues which will make it so much more difficult. Be angry, shout, swear, whatever, just get it out. A big of heavy gardening away from people helps me , a good place for shouting! Have you considered counselling, sounds like it could help you .Look on the Sud Ryder website.Sending you understanding and lovex
Colin. It is so easy to beat yourself up about these things but she was your wife and you certainly loved her or you would not be grieving so. Was she really a stranger or are you listening to other people and not to your own heart. People say such stupid insensitive things when someone has died. Your wife is not here to relay her part in all this so just listen to your own heart. I send you my deepest thoughts. It must be awful to be in this kind of thought.
Joh123
Thanks bud, I have been in receipt of your words and advice before and very apt it had been. I found as before food for thought and consideration. Many Thanks
Bjane
Many Thanks for the reply and the apt words, like John again food for thought, in many ways both of you have expressed thoughts already passed through, hearing or reading them, kind of endorsing. Cheers
Anjiejo1,
Thanks again and once more, endorsing encouraging and providing resolution
Colin just reading these posts again- it’s raining and not fit for a walk!- and just thinking about you and your conflicting feelings. Hope you have found some peace x