IDK how I feel

Well, I never wrote one of these before, but I really can’t anymore.Sorry in advance if my English ain’t good, but I’m not an English native speaker.
Nevertheless, in 2017 I lost my grandpa, and it really really really affected me. I usually had some sort of anxiety/panic attacks whenever I was alone. Somehow, I felt like none of it made any sense, but I was pretty aware that my grandpa was old and it’s the life cycle, but still, didn’t make sense to me.
Less than a year later (I think), I lost my grandma. She had advanced Alzheimer’s, but died bc of pneumonia (I think). Honestly, I had mixed feelings, because 1. it was kind of good bc she (and the fam) were really emotional suffering, but 2. it really hurts.
Anyways, both of my grandparents loss REALLY affected me. like REALLY. I called one of my friends and couldn’t speak, felt out of breath, and if I was floating around. Like I was there, but really wasn’t.
Now, today in the morning, my dad called me (im quarantined with my other grandma) and told me that one of the family’s friend had an accident and died. And it’s weird, really. Like, how and why ? you know? he was really annoying hahaa, but he was there, he knew my mom and dad since high school, and they were friends ever since.
Honestly, I don’t know how to feel, never less, how to cope with all of this. I mean why? you know? why are we here If everything’s wrong ?? like why ??
don’t get me wrong, I truly like living and having a good time, but when im alone, I don’t know, I feel so… empty?
I really don’t know how to cope with it all. I don’t want to fall again to my anxiety/panic attacks. I just want to be… like I don’t know, don’t give a da? I don’t know. I mean, I know that how im feeling its ok ? but I don’t really want to feel like this anymore, ever !!! and gosh IM SO DONE WITH ALL. but f I really feel empty, but not empty,
I want to be able to cope, please.

Dear Ana,
I do understand how you are feeling, have you seen your doctor?
Maybe he/she could help you to cope better, it is awful to have such feelings which you are having. My husband passed away last August - 2019, his was a sudden death, I found him on our bedroom floor I knew that he wasn’t well but I never expected to lose him. I have had the feelings which you describe so well, it does hurt, the pain of grief is like no other;
Take good care of yourself and please continue to post, there are many good and compassionate people within this group who do not judge and are always ready to listen.
MaryL

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