I’m not sure where else to turn. Not spoken to a single friend since my dad died 6 months ago, despite me reaching out. I honestly feel that the walls are closing in around me. If I scream no one will call never mind even acknowledge. People say if you feel down to talk. Well I talk but no one listens; instead of my dad dying. I feel like I’m the dead one. I just feel like I’m floating about in existence purgatory. I’ve taken my “happy” mask off as it’s too tiring wearing it. I’ve reached out to several organisations and people but I’m not important enough. A few times I’ve had a message back weeks later along the lines of sorry, been busy just getting back to you know. Well, why bother. When someone is struggling they say to talk. We’ll talk to whom exactly? I’ve never felt more isolated and alone in my whole entire life and I’m tired pretending that I’m on top of my game because I’m not.
If I scream no one will hear me
I’m in this exact same position with my friends after my mum died in January. People have said that if I need them they are there but in reality no one seems to be. Not once has anyone even tried to reach out to me or ask how I’m coping. It just makes you feel so alone. When you do cry out for help no one seems to care, I feel like you right now it’s horrible.
Hello Gayle I know exactly how you’re feeling. Even the adverts on the tv tell people to talk to someone to make their day, but as you say, no matter how much you reach out there’s no one there. About a month ago I phoned the Samaritans because I was in bed in such a state I plucked up the courage to phone them. I was shocked after a couple of hours of talking to them she said right I think we’ll take a break now. I haven’t bothered with them since. I still felt like I needed to talk. Likewise with the counselling after my 6th session that was it. End, finite, no more. I always thought these people were there for you when you needed them not when they say its alright. I am now waiting to see age UK and Mind who I have been referred to by my doctor. My situation is quite complex as my family aren’t there for me to turn to, and my sister and niece are both alcoholics so just depress me more. I can hear your screams and send you my love and hope we both can get through this awful situation we are in. Take care. Love Janet x
Hi Gayle,
I’m in much the same situation.
I only have the dog to talk to, I take him to the park in the hope of meeting fellow dog walkers.
Several people have said " I’m here for you" but they aren’t, They have their own families and problems. The neighbours just about manage to say hello if I walk into them.
Most of the people who came to the funeral I haven’t seen since.
All the adverts say " open up, talk about " how you feel but nobody’ s interested.
Cruse aren’t taking new referrals in the area I live.
The only family I have are miles away and think I should be over it all by now. If they do ring me they don’t want to talk about how I am.
Every day’s a painful struggle and here I am yet again wide awake in the middle of the night wondering why I’m struggling to keep going. So painful and pointless. I don’t matter to anyone now, this isn’t self pity , it’s how it is now.
Isolated and alone is exactly how I feel.
Sadly I feel much the same as you do. I wish i could say more to help you.
Wishing you well, Sadme
Hi all,
I know exactly what you mean, everybody’s life moves on and they think you should aswell.
Feel like I’m burdening people they just don’t want to know.
Thinking of you.
Steph
Hi Gayle,
Grief can feel terribly isolating and I think friends often don’t know what you need. You day you have reached out - have you met up with people? Sometimes you don’t feel like it when you’re recently bereaved so that can be really hard.
I have found that sometimes even calling someone I don’t normally get on with or have much in common with (my sister) when I’ve been really upset has actually been very therapeutic and helpful and ended up making me feel closer to them because of the unexpectedly nice things they said to me. It’s not easy to open up to people like that though especially if they don’t bring the subject up in conversation. If you don’t have someone like that then why not start a topic on here - I’m sure someone will be able to listen and understand. I’ve also found that counselling one to one has been very useful. I pay for it myself once a week. It’s worth it to be heard and supported. Sometimes local councils provide free bereavement groups.
A book I have found useful is called Overcoming Grief by Sue Morris.
Please don’t feel you need to keep a brave face going. Have a good cry. Have a good scream. You’ve lost your dad and you’re going through a lot. Even if nobody hears you it’s good to let it out.
Take care xxx
Thank you for all of your kind words and I’m taking a weird comfort that I’m not alone. Grief and bereavement is such a lonely experience. Everyone has this idea that you need support when everything is afresh but… pure adrenaline and practicalities and utter devastation overwhelm first before you start thinking of the bigger world out there. Apart from work; I’m basically a recluse. I spend time with my mum at the weekend but there is only so much you can talk about if you know what I mean.
My son bought me a Kate Spade handbag at the weekend and I sobbed uncontrollably as it was the first act of kindness I’ve experienced in a LONG time.
I’ve actually reached out online and referred to different things which doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that I’m referring to myself and I’m starting to struggle but I’m facing facts that apart from you guys on here…I am literally, in all definition of the word, alone
Hey Gayle,
Hang in there - I came on this site only a few weeks ago feeling just like you. Alone. Lonely. Isolated. That is grief. I am surrounded by my immediate family (never get a moment) and I have plenty of pals who I have pretty much not made an effort with for years so my own fault they’re not in touch much. Ok I don’t know your situation but you never know what is round the corner, and even if you feel like your social life is a bit non existent right now, when you’re feeling more like going out, that is something you can easily change. Now might not be the time when you really feel like putting yourself out there, but in time, you may well.
I recently got back in touch with a few old pals I haven’t seen in ages (years!) and it was so good. I’m also making more of an effort to see newer pals. It takes an effort even to see people you really like when your life is busy. I wouldn’t have felt like it a few weeks ago, but I feel like I’m turning a corner. Hope you feel like that soon too.
V x
Dear Gayle,
Your friends on this forum will hear you.
Blessings,
MaryL
Aw @Gayle323, your words could’ve been my own. I lost my wonderful Dad 5 months ago and without any siblings, or other close family I have also been so alone in my grief. I feel it’s what made it so raw still. I just wish I had someone to share the memories with or laugh about old times, as I’d rather do that than sit on my own in bits about the gory details of it all.
I’m so sorry you’re in the same place as I am, as I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Are you getting enough rest? Food? Company? I know it seems silly but these things are so important. Getting out for a walk also helps.
Please, if you feel like you have so much to say at 5am, message me. If you break down over something trivial that reminds you of your Dad, message me. I’d love to share stories. I can guarantee you I’ll be awake. 5 months on and I still can’t sleep for the tears.
Take very good care of yourself x
Hi Gayle
How are you coping?
Hopeully joining this group will give you some support and comfort:heartbeat:
To know your not alone.
Yes I feel like screaming myself at tI message u out think would anyone even notice.
What about your friends have they spoken to you yet
Can be quite hurtful when they can’t ask how you are?
Or ackledge what your going through.
As it can be tough when you have all these mixed emotions and just need someone to talk to
Take care
Big hugs x
Thank you for all of the lovely and kind, supportive responses. I would have thought my friends and “family” would be less caught up in their own lives especially now more than ever. But, months later, there is still an evident radio silence. Feeling this kind of disconnection is affecting every part of my life.
I’m also going through a tsunami of grief currently. I think as im spending more time reflecting (aka disconnecting) the more I seem to get caught up in painful thoughts and feelings. Its funny how we have an expectation over how we expect certain people to be there for us when in reality they are not. This impacts the feelings of hurt even more.
My very wise 18 year old son keeps reminding me that if my current friends are not there for me then I should make new ones. But its so hard. You guys are the only people I really have apart from my mum and son. Its the honest truth
Hi Gayle
I know what you mean about having expectations of others. I think it’s ok to need certain things and to expect to be treated a certain way. The trouble is, grief can make us feel cut off a bit - from feeling love, from other people. It is just grief but it feels like everything has changed. This lockdown has made dealing with my grief easier in some ways - no avoiding it with too much time to think. I’ve discovered that my grief for losing my mum 24 years ago to dementia (that was when she was first diagnosed) has always been suppressed, because she lived for 13 years with it, and those 13 years I was just starting out in life and very much felt like I had to get on with it. I pushed away thoughts of mum because they would make me cry and I’m paying for it now. I also went out with someone who was damaged emotionally and who couldn’t deal with me feeling sad. It has taken me years to get over that - but I didn’t realise the effect because I was so numb from hiding my feelings about mum.
Anyway, I would say enjoy your feelings of sadness - if that doesn’t sound too weird. It means you have loved someone special and it is their love that’s making you upset. Time is a great healer and I wish I had connected to my feelings about losing mum sooner. It has been easier losing dad as he wasn’t ill for too long. Watching loved ones slowly deteriorate is so hard.
I am trying to just let it out and not feel guilty about it.
Take care x