if missing them was easy.

hi all, if missing them was easy , none of us would be feeling like this. getting out of bed every morning trying to face another day without them. I don’t think their is anything worse. I took 5 months off work in the beginning. worrying about money is literally the last thing you need to be thinking about. in fact you are not in the rite frame of mind to be thinking about anything at all such is your grief . you find yourself going from one extreme to another. you are either biting peoples heads off or you are walking on eggshells around people. you get to a point were you feel you have talked to your nearest and dearest and have worn them down to the point that you don’t want to talk about your grief anymore so you start to withdraw. unfortunately grief is,nt something that passes quickly.

I find since what I have been through, I have a lot more empathy towards people I know have lost someone. before I did,nt give it much thought. someone else,s loss does,nt affect me. I think we are all a little bit like that. then when it happens to us and you realise first hand how devastating it is. you see others that have lost and you know they are in the middle of a terrible storm.
I think one of the biggest dilemma’s is how people treat you. I,ve read countless stories on here of people who,s family have turned away from them, or all the friends that have disappeared. since loosing my boy. I will quite willingly talk to anyone that has suffered a loss. the reason being, well the reason being for me to talk to people. when sam died, I could count on one hand the amount of people that made a conscious effort to speak to me. funnily enough the 3 or 4 that did speak to me , had all lost someone. they know what you are facing and having to go through. they know how tough it is. all the ones that hav,nt suffered loss are the ones that run a mile, or dodge you in the street or come out with some really crass remark . the ones that speak to you, if only they knew what a difference it makes. just one kind sentence from someone makes all the difference. I work along side about 900 people. about 70% male. apart from my line manager who had to speak to me on returning to work. no one else took the time, apart from one day a big strapping bloke, was,nt really a friend of mine I just work at the same place as him. he came over and gave me a big bear hug. and said sorry about your son… that has always stuck with me. I,m at year seven. all the people that i,ve dealt with in that time the only ones that stick with you are the nice things people do or say to you and also the people that said something that upset you, everything else pales in to insignificance.

I think in the beginning you become so lost and alone and frightened , you put up with a lot of stuff that the normal you wouldn’t have put up with. things like dealing with idiots on the phone when you are trying to sort someones financial affairs. or letting the doctor talk to you like you are just being a nuisance. or when one of your so called friends comes out with one of them. “come on” its time to move on remarks. well you get your strength back. while you are down and so vulnerable you tend to soak up a lot of negative stuff. but you reach a place were you can gain control again.
over the bank holiday weekend. there was just glancing moment , I was in the middle of doing something and that lightning bolt hit me out of the blue . ( his death} for a split second I nearly cracked. but it passed. the ache of loosing them never goes away. but you get to a point were it isn’t all consuming like it is when it first happens. being a dad was the best job I ever had. I,m just glad I got to do it for 24 years. 24 years of memories and also what I,ve written down so I can always remember. he was the greatest person to ever walk through my life. ok, think ive rambled on enough. thanks for listening. jim


Hi Jim, how I agree with everything you have said, l haven’t lost a child, so can only imagine how awful that must be, the thing that really got to me was, the comment, you are so brave , no I wasn’t being brave, I was coping as well as I could, and trying not to impact on anybody else, on my own I was in pieces, unless you have been through a bereavement, you have no idea what it is like, it’s amazing what a hug from someone helps, you don’t forget it.
Sending love Jude xxx


Lovely post Jim…as always. You’re so right about the people who you know have lost someone and those who haven’t.
Ok…my sisters haven’t lost anyone close…they’ve lost their Nephew and they loved Andrew but didn’t see much of him. Having said that they have been there for me and I do appreciate them being there. I know I could ring or go round and they would drop everything for me.
My cousin…one month younger than me…lost her husband 4 years ago. He had cancer and although he had a few years in remission he died before reaching retirement which was too young. She has been amazing…we’ve always been close so it’s easy to talk to her and she makes me feel hopeful for the future.
As you say, it never goes away but it gets easier to live with.
I don’t think I’ll ever go back to work. I don’t need money to be happy…I’ve been happy without it for enough years. I don’t think I’ll ever really feel happy again anyway so money won’t make a difference.
I’m sad that I’ll be home all the time as my dream was to be there more for if Andrew needed me so now I’ll have all the time I wanted but Andrew won’t be there to share it.
It’s so cruel that we lost our sons as we did. We were lucky that we had them in our lives…some people never have that close bond with their children. Ironic that the closer we were to them the we’re missing them now…but I treasure every wonderful memory of times spent with Andrew.
I’ve had a relatively calm day today but just buttering a couple of rolls just had me in floods of tears. He loved his cheese rolls…I always made us some to take on our detecting days. So buttering them I just had that “I’m never going to see him again” wash over me. Do you ever come to terms with that?? Impossible.
Today I cancelled his car insurance, I spoke to his energy provider and spoke to someone at his bank. I found the strength to do it…amazing really. Of course I cried over each one but I did it!
One day at a time…hey?
Love Sue xxxx


So brave Sue. I haven’t had to do any of the practical things for Kath,her husband and sister deal with all that. If I had to of course I’d do it, but so glad I don’t.
Love to you :heart: Ann xx


Good for you sue. I know the last thing you want is congratulating. But sorting Andrew affairs out is definitely not an easy thing to have to do. It needs to be done, but it has connotations,. Another sign that they are not coming back.

You are right, money does not buy you happiness, if you don’t need to work then it’s one less thing to worry about. However in the future you May find you want a little part time job, as having to much time on your hands gives you to much time to think.
Reading between the lines of your post. You asking do you ever get over that feeling.
If I can be honest with you. How I feel now as opposed to how I felt in the beginning. Well I don’t need to tell you how it feels in the beginning, because you are there.

For me now. It’s always there in the back of your mind, it’s just not as all consuming. When you say " the feeling washes over you". These days it’s more a feeling of . It just nips at you from time to time,. Which as uncomfortable as that sounds, it’s very manageable.

I think about Sam all the time, but it doesn’t upset me all the time , infact there are plenty of private moments we’re I find I’m laughing at funny memories .

Ok the anniversary dates are never good. You get to a point that you can keep a lid on it. But the anniversary dates always bring it bubbling over the surface. But it soon passes. At the present you’re having a bad day everyday. The balance will change,. I have bad anniversary days. But they pass. I get lightening bolt moments where something will hit you and knock sideways for a split second. But I’m not bogged down in a thick fog anymore. It used to be that I couldn’t see further than just out of my front room window. Now I can see as far as the horizon if that makes sense. It will never be how it was, how can it be. But you go from not being able to face the day. Or leave the house or talk to people. To once again taking pride in yourself. Getting dressed up to go somewhere.
I didn’t see a point to anything without Sam. It was like I had failed at life. Now I find myself on this site trying to help, wether I do or not is debatable. But you get my point. You go from just randomly wanting to drop to your knees and crying your eyes out to just having a private moment to yourself. I Know if anyone is at the early stage it’s so hard to see beyond what you are feeling right at this moment. You go from that To one day you will be in a pub or having a day out or a holiday or something and you will just have a little private smile to yourself because you have remembered something.
Take care. Jim


Thank you as ever for your wisdom Jim. I think you were sent to this site to help others. Love to Sue and you, Ann :heart:


Thanks Ann , nice of you too say so.

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I 100% agree with you Ann…Jim is such a help to us all Thank you Jim.
I’m not feeling brave Ann but I’m sorting it all out now as we’ve finally informed Andrew’s bank so the account will be frozen. I wanted to ring all those that he paid by direct debit as soon as possible because in his lifetime he never missed a payment, even when he was struggling and at his lowest ebb. So it’s important to me that they understand why the payments won’t be met. I know it’s stupid and does it really matter…but it would be important to Andrew.
I was drying my hair earlier on ( such an effort to have a shower these days) and I was thinking about how I used to laugh and ask him if he minded being seen out with his mum. He replied that he was really happy to be seen out with me and he was proud that I was his mum. It was a lovely thing to hear…makes me cry now just thinking about it but also makes me think I mustn’t just let myself go just because I’m so sad and can’t be bothered.
I was so proud that he was my son…I just wish I’d told him more often :sleepy::sleepy:.
I hope everyone is having an “ok” day today
Love and hugs…Sue xxxx


Well I think you are brave, Sue. But I think your motivation is lovely, you do it to honour Andrew, not just as something that’s got to be done.
And he knows you are proud of him and love him so much. Just as he loves and is proud of you.
Love :heart: Ann xx

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