If only

If only I had known he was was going to die. I would have done anything. Most likely I could not have done anything but I still feel guilty. He told me he had flu and kept on working. Then we had a meal delivered to us and after he said he thought the meat was off. Next day he was sick thought he had food poisoning, but carried on working. The next day he went to bed early unwell he did not want any food, I gave him a drink and said good night but when I saw him in the morning he was cold and dead. Sudden stock could not believe it this was a nightmare, did not want to believe it. Christmas came and went in a blur. Then my son got ill , Covid19 came whether he had it, not sure, he had all the symptoms. Worried and panic that it would happen again could not bare more. Fortunately he got better thank god. Then lockdown came and my thoughts turned to why and if only. I started to worry that my husband had died from Covid19 he had said many odd things to me, he worked in the care sector. He had brought a lot of PPE which in never used before . He only had his 60 birthday in November and died in December. I only got the post motten lab test back last week which said he had died of heart disease. I will never know, I suppose it does not matter how or why or whether it all was ment to happen as the results are the same. He is no longer with me on earth and i will only see him again when I join him.

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Hi sugar,
I’m sorry to hear if the sudden loss of your husband. It’s good that you got a post mortem. I have found them to be really helpful in the sudden deaths of both my parents as hard as they have been on me.
My dad went to bed and didnt wake up aged 53. This was 21 years ago and the shock was incredible. But the PM revealed a massive heart attack which would have killed him instantly. My mum died of a sudden bleed on the brain last june. Again the shock has been overwhelming but the pm revealed heart disease we knew nothing about plus a variety of blocked arteries.
It doesnt bring them back but at least it helps to understand why they died.
You wouldn’t have been able to save your husband. I hope this at least gives you some comfort at such an awful time.
Cheryl x

I am so sorry that you are going through this, in my opinion “if only” are the two saddest of words in the English language.
Rightly or wrongly, I do believe that your husband’s time was up and it was meant to be, nothing you could have done would have saved him.
It is my belief in this which has got me through the 9 months since I found my husband dead on our bedroom floor. The shock is horrendous, I knew he wasn’t well but I never expected to lose him. Being part of this wonderful forum has helped me so much.


I keep thinking of that terrible day and cannot stop crying. So much sadness in this world. All my husbands things are everywhere I cannot part with anything. He had so many things he wanted to Change and its all to late now. All the things he won’t be able to see or do this hits me every night and I find its hard to sleep. I don’t know how we find the strength to carry on.

Sugar, I think many of us think ‘if only’, but in reality there is probably very little we could have done to change what happened.
Remember, the love, because that all that really matters in the end. Hold onto the love.
I know it is very painful, but over time it will become more easy.

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Thanks for your message. Yes life goes on and there is nothing I can do to Change things. I got my memories to see me through. I will always love him and miss him.