I was thinking today about what would have happened if I had died first, given that in most partnerships one is going to die before the other.
Firstly, I would not wish this pain on anyone, let alone him.
He would have been better at the ‘sadmin’ stuff, the financial stuff, and sorting all the practical issues that have cropped up.
He was a very quiet, private person, happy to just have me and my daughter from my first marriage. She has special needs and he could not have been a better father. I know that some people thought he was antisocial, but he was just shy. I have been fortunate that I have a few friends and family that have been very supportive and kind. My son regularly looks after his sister to give me a break, he also took me shopping etc. until I felt confident enough to drive. My cousin came and did some maintenance jobs around the house that involved serious DIY. I have also met a few widows and gone to their TaiChi classes and out to lunch with them. My nephew is an electrician and came and sorted a couple of problems for me. Another friend is a hairdresser who has always come to cut my daughter’s hair, she sat with me while I cried. And then she cut hair. More importantly these people hugged me and sympathised with my loss. I don’t think this would have been there for my husband if I had died. Partly because these lovely people are my family or my friends, not his, he had no family and moved 100 miles to be with me.
I know I would be in a much sorrier place without this support. I am lucky that he moved here which left him with no support network.
So, even with all this pain, for his sake, I am glad that he was not left alone to cope with all this.
Hi Willow, the same thoughts have gone through my mind but have been uncomfortable in putting it into words, my wifes death was sudden and unexpected 4 months ago, she had always said she didn’t want to be the one left on her own, she had a fear of having a stroke having watched her mum die from one, she made me promise she would not go into a home, these things you say without understanding the reality, I also now realise she would have had to leave our home we fought so hard for, although we built a small house it is on a comparatively large bit of land, she would not have coped with it, we are right out in the sticks, no bus, no shops etc and she did not drive so all in all it would have actually been a nightmare situation for her, I am glad that she will not have to face the fears she had, having battled for 40 years to achieve what we set out to do, we have lived here 6 six years and only 2 of them in retirement I feel both of us have been cheated but I will continue to create the home we set out to do and for the nature we have been blessed with here.
It is hard, isn’t it? Carrying on when they can’t. Your house sounds lovely. We also live in a fairly remote area. Down a country lane that becomes a bridle way at the bottom of our drive. So, no passing traffic, just the odd horse or walker.
I should also have said that it is not fair, but still true, that some of my support has been because I am a woman. Male friends and relatives might not feel the same responsibility towards another man, and less inclined to give a hug when it’s needed.
Good luck with your house. Hopefully our lost loves are looking down, cheering us on. Xx
I said that ,I loved Nick so much I am glad he doesn’t have to feel what I am feeling now , x