I lost my husband suddenly at Christmas just gone. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday got a call from my son to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. Only 53. I got no closure or answers. I am continuingly googling his undiagnosed illness and googling blood clots. I spoken to the doctor a couple of times, rang the Macmillan nurses a few times and spoken to friends who have been nurses and still want to find out more information about my husband undiagnosed illness. The guilt i didn’t notice that my husband was ill is overwhelming. I am going counseling and join a bereavement support group but still want answers. I also find it hard to accept that my husband isn’t coming back ever. Do you think I have lost the plot? I just seem to be going around in a cycle. 
@Hazel.1966 no you haven’t lost the plot. You are grieving the sudden & tragic loss of your husband. I’m sure it’s normal to question everything that happened and worry that thing’s could have been different. Sending hugs
@Jan17 thank you for your reply… think morning I thought I was going to have a break down. I rang my husband best friend and had a long chat which has brought me back to reality. Oh how I wish my handsome husband was still here. Miss him so much 
Big hugs xx
No youre not hazel ! Im same cant really get my head around him not being here - i miss his love are you the same ? .glad you going for counselling. Im waiting for it too … should be soon !!! You take care. Chat soon xxx
Thank you debs… went to see the well being therapist this morning at the doctor’s and had a massive meltdown. I told her that I felt guilty for John death and was saying that I can’t live with my guilt. She referred me to see the mental health nurse straight away. I told her coming home to find my husband dead has tormented me. She thinks I have got PTSD and has referred me to a tumour therapist.
I spoke to a chap yesterday who has been living with kidney cancer for 10 years and that really upset me as my husband never got that chance. Life is so unfair and cruel.
I hope you are ok debs as know that you are struggling also. Lots of love Xx
Hi hazel … oh dear … bless you. Glad you’re getting help for it ? It must be so hard finding him like that ? I know me and my daughter struggled with my husband cos she googled it and only 5 % people didnt survive bladder cancer so that really upset us 
i am supposed to be on top of list for counselling - chased last week ! I wish they would hurry up !! Been nearly 4 months now waiting !! Its actually with sue ryder but i know theyre really busy at moment ! Hope its soon ! X p.s. u mean trauma specialist not tumour specialist ? Xx
Hi Debbie yes that is correct trauma specialist. I keep googling about kidney cancer and blood clots which I don’t think is helping me. I have been seeing my counselor for a while now but thinking of finishing the sessions as getting repetitive now. I might just see the well being therapist as she has been the best one. I also pay for my counseling as went private.
I hope you don’t have to wait to long now for your councelling xx
They said i was on top of list . Will chase next week if not heard my daughter has started hers with grief kind i think online … its really hard isnt it for us losing our special man … i feel so much for you and for me … it makes me cry … its so sad and so unfair !! Xxx
And if i don’t get an appointment soon im gonna go private !! Thing is they offered me it as they treated my husband … i hope i hear soon. Fingers crossed 
i need it i think … x
Yes it definitely is…I hate my life without my husband now. I used to tease him saying that I am leaving him to see what he would say. He said nothing as knew I was teasing him and wanted a reaction. God I miss him so much and feel so lonely without him. To think I could have another 25/30 years of this. Know how you feel debs xx
Yes hopefully you won’t have to wait long for your appointment xx
Yes its pretty horrible without them isnt it ? Ive lost all my joy ! He was my joy in life xx he was such a happy loving man - people think im ok but im not ! Ive lost ally purpose in life ! Who can i go on holiday with , who can make me happy like he did ? Nobody can ;( ive not got a very loving family - he was one who loved me the most ! I see that now ! He made my life worth living xx
Yes I know how you feel…I love going on holiday with my husband and having him around. Really wish I made more of effort with him but thought we had years together. I really can’t accept that I will never see my baby again
I know its sooo hard … i haven’t properly accepted it either … just live day to day in a sort of existence i suppose … its not really living though is it ? I understand you completely … i thought i had longer with him too ! Omly in september last year specialist said " nothing sinister " huh … !! X
I feel for you so much debs sending lots of love and hugs xx
And you too … all the best and hugs to you too xxx
And also hazel dont google it doesn’t give you all the answers and i just thinking if wasnt for my naughty puppy lol … i dont think i would be able to keep going ! She gives me a reason to get up in the morning ! I was just staying in bed all day before i got her ! You give your son a big hug tonight ! Xx
Thank you so much debs …yes I will try not to Google as you are right they don’t give you all the answers. Life now is definitely shit and there nothing we can do about it. I’m so glad that you have your Lucy to keep busy bless her. Yes I will give my son a hug tonight. He is off to Ibiza in a couple of weeks with his friend. Hopefully he will try and have a nice time. Big hugs to you from me Xx
No worries hazel. Hope u feeling better and now you are getting help u need xxx