I'm 25 years old, a strong person who has been through an awful lot throughout my life to loose someone who I love the most

I don’t really know what to write or say but I am really struggling. I lost my nan who was my best friend in Febuary this year, I was holding her hand with my family when she took her last breath… I didnt cry I held it together for everyone I picked everyone up and was so strong for everyone. I was there in my nans last moments where they cleaned and did the final procedures berore taking her away. I sat with Nan for hours as each person was saying goodbye. I had to phone and tell loved ones that she passed. I was there for my nan all the time and helped out when needed. At her funeral I was the only one to speak and I DID HER PROUD… again I didnt cry I held it together for everyone. At her WAKE I held it together and was strong.
She had a birthday last month we let off a rainbow of balloons in the sky to celebrate
It’s now been 5 months since Nan had passed and I’ve started becoming withdrawn, distance, upset and angry. I suffer with anxiety anyway but I feel a tightness in my chest. My nan doesnt have a resting place as she had a cremation. Where do I mourn
Why am i upset
Is it now my time to grieve
I feel angry
Are these questions normal?

Yes they are, very much so. Delayed grief! It happened to me 10 months ago. I was very sad and upset of course, but the full impact of what had happened didn’t click in until all the arrangements were over.
Where do you mourn? You mourn within yourself, it’s the only place. Most people don’t understand the pain. That’s why they often say inappropriate things. Why are you upset? My goodness, you have lost your nan and a friend, who wouldn’t grieve and be upset.
Which brings us to grief. It’s a process that we go through when we lose someone close. It’s a natural process and to be expected. Painful? Oh it sure is. But if you resist the feelings and emotions it will make your anxiety worse.
Is there anyone to talk to, or counselling you could arrange? Don’t go it alone or bottle up emotions. They will out in some way and can often make anxiety seem more difficult.
If you feel the need then your GP is the first place to call. They often have services that can help.
None of us want to be here or asked for any of this. But it’s happened and we have to go with it, not fight or struggle with ‘IT’. This applies to anxiety also.
Feeling angry is also common in grief. The eternal ‘why’? ‘It’s not fair’! Life is not fair, and the acceptance of that fact can help bear the pain.
You are in the right place. We all know and care so talk to us when you want.
Take care.

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Did you and your Nan have a favourite spot where you used to go Melissa?
Sit there and talk to her in your heart. You were with her when she passed and she remains in your heart as long as you live.
Were her ashes scattered or kept in an urn?
If they were kept the funeral home would separate some for you into a scattering tube.
My soulmate passed in hospital in America in April, I brought a small tube of her ashes back to England with me and scattered them in a spot we both loved. I go there to talk to her and pray.
Even if that’s not possible always remember she lives on in you, she is in a better place watching over you.

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