My mum died almost two years ago and I still miss her so badly. I was her full time carer in the years before her decline and death and it was so hard at times that I feared I couldn’t carry on, but I would go back there if I could. I feel guilty for my desperation back then, to be honest. I wish I could do it again and do all the things I had no energy to do. I know I did my best, and she was loved right up to her last breath… but I beat myself up that it was not perfect and there were times I made mistakes.
I don’t know how to let go of that.
And now life is difficult; other awful stuff has happened to our family that requires me to be strong and resourceful and look after everyone and I feel so lonely. There’s no room for me to collapse and be weak - I have to keep going. I want my Mum there to talk to and tell me everything will be alright and give me advice, or maybe just love (in later years our roles were somewhat reversed, but even when she was a little confused she could still tell when I needed her), but she’s not there and never will be. I I feel so alone.
Thank you for listening.
Hi @Smallpenguin I am sorry for your struggles with life at the moment. I can certainly relate to the feeling of wanting the love and support of our Mums at times of need. Have you tried writing down your thoughts in a journal or letter? As for feeling guilty about the past, it’s part of grief. We all agonise about things we did or didn’t do at the time. It’s a torture and doesn’t help at all. You must accept that you did your best at the time, you can’t go back and change anything now. It’s better to try and focus on the happier memories and the love you shared with your Mum. Sending you best wishes xx
You’re never alone on here, we’re all here for you.like @Rosiepink said, the guilt is part of the grieving process, like you stated you did your best at the time, imagining you could have done more isn’t fair on yourself. It takes every ounce of energy and emotional strength from you when you’re watching a loved one leaving….be kind to yourself and keep sharing if you choose to. X w people are always willing to help by listening and sharing
Dear @Smallpenguin
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and that you feel alone.
Losing a parent is hard as they leave a big hole in your life. You need to take one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. There will be good days and bad days, it is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, all of which are normal. Grief is a journey and not a race and everyone’s journey is different. You will not feel the way you are forever as in time you learn to accept the loss of your mum but this does not mean you will forget her or love her any less.
There is a useful blog on Losing a Parent which may be of help to you along with the following resources by Sue Ryder.
- Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS. This will be also helpful for family and friends.
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through
If you have not done so already, I would book an appointment with your doctor and let them know how you are feeling and to see what support they can give you. It might be useful just to have a talk with your doctor.
Have you thought about talking out aloud to your mum, it does help. There is a website called AtaLoss which helps bereaved people find support and well-being. It would be worth taking a look. You can also enter your location on the website to see if there are any support groups in your area.
You are not alone, we the Community understand the pain you are going through and are here for you. Come here and chat at any time.
Take care of yourself.
Peppers xx
Thank you @Rosiepink for your reply. Yes, you’re right, I know that I should focus on the good memories. Sometimes I manage that and other times it’s more difficult, but I imagine you get that. Thank you for your kindness.
Hi @Peppers. Thank you for your kind reply and all the information. I’ll have a look round some of the links.
I think things are closing in on me a bit at the moment as it’s coming up to the anniversary, not of her death, but of the fall that she never recovered from. It was on Easter Saturday, 2022 that we found her on the floor in a pool of blood in her bathroom in the granny flat. The doctors - and we - initially thought she was getting better but it turned out that it was a subdural haematoma, her brain was damaged, and she died a month later. I miss her. I have a vague memory that I found this time last year very hard as well - possibly more so than the anniversary of her death, which is strange.
I thought it was supposed to get easier?
Thank you @Sun for your kind words. That means a lot. My Mum had a fall on Easter Saturday two years ago (isn’t it supposed to get easier?) and for some reason that makes no sense to me, the anniversary of the event that signified the beginning of the end seems to upset me more than the actual anniversary of her death. I don’t think anyone else in the house has even realised. They loved Mum too but it’s not the same for them.
Hi @Smallpenguin, the decline in my mum’s health started with a fall too, it can be quite common I believe. I try to keep things in context by saying to myself that my mum and dad were both in good health for most of their lives, but the memories of the last part of their lives when their health declined are still there too. Take care.
Hi @Smallpenguin your message really resonates with me, as if I could have written it myself. I’m also 53 and lost my mum 15 months ago. She had undiagnosed dementia for a number of months, only getting diagnosed about 8 weeks before she died, I struggled to help her and frequently got frustrated and impatient, when all i wanted to do was wrap her up in cotton wool and look after her.
Your mum will know you cared and did everything possible to look after her.
Times like Easter are so hard as it’s a very family orientated time and it feels like everyone is carrying on with their lives when you are struggling. I regularly remind friends how lucky they are to still have their parents and would give anything, like you, to have more time with my mum. Only those that have suffered loss can appreciate how lonely life can be. After a few months people stop asking how you are and assume everything is ‘back to normal’ but you are still adjusting. Please be kind to yourself, take it one day at a time.
We never too old for our mum’s are we ? sorry for your big loss, I fully understand where you are coming from hugssss
I’m the same age. I know every time I want to ask Mum what she’d say but it’s not the same. It’s hard recovering from their deaths and lonely because noone else around us feels the same. It is a comfort to hear we aren’t alone or making a drama as one ‘friend’ out it. We loved someone so much it does hurt. And that (excuse my language) sucks