I lost my partner suddenly March last year and it was 9 months Christmas Day. AC died in hospital having gone there as he was unwell, he left me to sleep in bed. He rang me from A&E and sounded a bit better and said he was having test’s. Roll on 3.5 hrs later, his phone rings, said ‘love you’ and it was the resus nurse, she tokd me to get to the hospital ASAP, the only thing I could think to say was…‘has he died?’. I got there 5 minutes after pronouncing him, after 45 minutes.
My world has fallen apart 
and my heart is broken . I never saw this coming. AC had heart disease and had a heart attack. He had a PM then an investigation. AC was cremated 2 months later due to the PM taking a while and there just being no dates available. Every couple of days, his parents and son were ringing me, whats happening, why is it taking so long etc…I said when I know, they will know. I couldnt grieve from all the running around, whilst awaiting an amputation. 2 days after his cremation, I had my amputation and I’ve not heard a word from his family…to the point 2 of his cousins slagged me off for wearing his medals on Remembrance Sunday. I was so proud to wear them, until then. So much has happened. But, i just dont know how to carry on. I miss everything. AC spent his last 11 years of life with me but i have to live the rest of mine without him. We always wished we had met sooner. We planned to marry 2020 but had to cancel. So decided to do our home up, but didnt get the chance to set another date. So, I find myself being single again and feeling like im nothing, because I cant even call myself a widow. I talk non stop to AC and b4 going to bed, end up breaking down. I managed to get through Christmas for the sake of my 8 year old grandson. He was so close to his grandad and had to have counselling himself through his school. AC was my protector, he looked out for me, my best friend, my soul mate. I miss the warmth of him, holding hands, laying in his arms and laying my hand on his heart. I couldn’t fault him. In the prison service…he was a chef…even the prisoners loved him. All his mates throughout the cadets ( all school friends) then his 40 years in the Army TA…everyone loved him, had the utmost respect for him. I knew some of them and made other friends…belonging to the army family as well as the police. His friends say that he wouldnt want me to be sad and unhappy…but its too early to move on. Its all to easy to for them to say that. The pain of losing someone you love so dearly, is unbearable and my heart hurts…
im so sorry for your loss Antonia, it is an unbearable pain and nothing can prepare us for this, i too lost my soulmate 3 months ago and i break down each day in tears, i still talk to her as if she were here, she was a beautiful soul and cant come to terms with why she was taken, she loved unconditionally, before she passed she told me that i should get a life, i will try to live for her as that is what she wanted me to do but its so raw at the moment and i cant see an end to the pain i fell inside right now, we can only hope that life can get easier as times passes
So sorry Antonia, I fully understand your pain. There are so many different stories on this site but we all end up with the same awful pain that seems unbearable. I can’t offer you hope that it will ease, only my profound sympathy. I wasn’t numb or devastated in the first few months after my husband died in fact, I was very practical and got on with sorting out the paperwork and dealing with his things spread all over the house. I wonder if family and friends thought I wasn’t that affected by his loss. I went out to various things; I was bought a new puppy to replace my husbands beloved dog who died just before him and it looked like I was enjoying life - free from the awful rounds of hospital/nurses/medication and his constant pain etc. But it was there, in the back ground and now, 39 weeks after he went, I can barely move without the enormity of his loss gripping me and stopping me in its tracks. My life revolved around him when he was alive, it had too, he was so sick and physically helpless, but it still revolves around him now he’s gone, but he’s just not there anymore and it’s awful.
His only request regarding his funeral - we studiously ignored the idea that he was near to dying regardless of the string of problems he had so never discussed it - was that he was buried, so he has a grave and headstone that I can go to visit, which I do.