It’s 3am, stinking hot and I find myself sitting in the conservatory just thinking about “things”. I’m sat with a photo of Penny on my knees, looking back on how my life has changed in the 4 years since she died. I can never forget the horror of those early days, life had no purpose other than to grieve, hurt, and cry a lot. I joined this place where I got loads of support, friendship and encouragement which helped me through those darkest days. I learnt that there’s only one person who can “fix it” and that is me!! I tried to look forward , often with sheer bloody mindedness, doing new things which broadened my life and gave me new opportunities to get new skills, making new friends along the way. Not everything was a success (eg abseiling 
) but some things have been. It all came to a head yesterday, because one of the things I’d had a go at was joining a 4 part harmony choir of 60 people. I’d spent 50 years telling myself I couldn’t sing, but a friend in a ukulele group had been trying to persuade me to join and I remember her saying " You bloody well can sing!! You are very good". So I gritted my teeth and went along, where they shoved loads of song sheets in my hand. I couldn’t read music, but I quickly learnt enough to get by. Tonight we are performing in concert in front of 200 paying customers. Yesterday was our final practice session, we all got it together and it was an amazing thrill, sharing the experience with 60 new friends. I felt so proud!! 4 years ago if someone had told me how my new life would now be, I would have laughed. As we sang A million Dreams , I remembered that we were practicing in the same room where I first met Penny, I remember thinking “Isn’t she gorgeous, but she wouldn’t be interested in me”. That meant that I achieved two things in that room I never thought I could ever do. I could see her still in that same spot after more than 50 years later. Maybe fate does work in circles. Sorry I’ve gone on a bit, but I’d like to think that my experience will give hope to someone that even in our darkest days there can still be a future. Wish me luck tonight.
Hello tykey, my that sounds absolutely wonderful 
, so happy for you. .you are so right. We are the only ones that can help ourselves. It might take awhile. Have setbacks, but we gotta keep trying to put ourselves out there…not only did you do that , but you managed to do something you never thought you’d be doing. .. congratulations for that, you have inspired me. 
…good luck tonight with your performance 
. Take care and God bless you 
.
Good luck tonight @tykey. Hope the performance goes well and you enjoy it 
hi @tykey thank you for your post. I tend to gravitate towards the ones that fill with some hope as I really welcome the encouragement and thoughts that whilst we live with our grief things can move on in the future. I lost my Paul in January after 9 years together very suddenly after he had an accident in November. It was of course rubbish. Its heading towards 6 months on now and at 57 years of age I like to think I have some future ahead of me - what that is who knows. Thank you for your lovely story about seeing Penny. Just shows how the memories never leave us but we find ways forward. Hope the choir went well and thanks again.
Good luck Tykey
I wish you good luck for tonight and also thank you for your posts. I’m sure your positivity help many people here. Let us know how your evening goes please. I’ll look forward to reading it, as I always do x
Hi @nikfabs , you are right, the memories never do leave us they go everywhere with us, but they can change. They gradually become more comfortable, but we often recall them and gradually smile more and cry less. it’s as if we become grateful that they happened at all.
Thankyou @Helen39 . I’ll certainly let you know how it goes. The biggest problem I have is that I get very emotional at times, and its difficult to sing properly when I transform into the proverbial soppy old man with a few tears running down my cheeks. This one will do for me tonight, wish me luck, just as well we basses are at the back. Pick out the deepest voices and I’ll be in there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxC8FA0VbHc&list=RDXxC8FA0VbHc&start_radio=1
Lovely post tykey, I hope everything thing goes well tonight. You seem to have had quite a journey which must be keeping your heavenly wife entertained especially the abseiling. I hope you keep your cool tonight, There is nothing more uplifting than music. Wishing you all the best
Tom
Dear Tykey
That is beautiful, I can understand why it would bring tears. Sing it tonight for all of us x
I will most certainly do so, Helen 
Ji @tykey
I only just seen your post I hope it went well last night . You’re a true inspiration.
Hi @Sherbet10 . It’s actually tonight. I’m tuning up my vocal chords with a swift pint before we kick off.
Hi @tykey
Do you say break a leg or good luck . Which ever it is hope all goes well .
Good luck tykey I hope you have a great time tonight.
All the best
Tom
@tykey such a beautiful piece of advice to read,
‘there’s only one person who can “fix it” and that is me.’
Always such an inspiration to read your posts, wistful and philosophical is the way to go, no apology needed. You’ve been a star on the horizon over the years for me, I’m so happy to hear that your endeavours are paying dividends, you deserve it for all you’ve put in, and you have taught me to just keep trying, keep going, make it work, see the path out.
Hope your evening goes well, sing that song.
What time Tykey? I’ll be thinking of you. As my mum would say, wetting your whistle.
Break a leg x
Back home now!! A magic experience, although it was stinking hot. I must have chatted with, and hugged, 30 people who I knew (or got to know) in the audience, including my flute teacher, but thats another story for another time. Everybody put a huge amount of energy into it, and everybody was shattered!! But it was another great thrill, and on Thursday we start all over again, getting ready for our Xmas concert. I managed to get through the song I promised to sing for you all, and did you proud. Thankyou all for your enthusiasm for my efforts, it really helps
I am so pleased tykey that everything went well. You are an inspiration to us all of how to push through with life. I’m sure you have made your wife so proud and what fun watching you grow to accomplish things you never thought possible.
Wishing you a good night’s sleep
All the best
Tom
Hello Tykey, so happy for you !, glad it went well for you. 
, time to rest , take care and have a good night.
Goodnight @tykey
I am pleased it well and you had a good night. Another time you’ll have to give us update on your guide dog training. Hope you sleep well