Hi Trev58
Like you I often wonder how long I have to live this life (we had both been married before also) I think somehow that is why it was even more precious because it took so long to find the right one. We were together for 33 years and I feel lucky to have had him for that long, but a hundred years would still not have been enough, loving someone so much just makes it unbearable to lose them. Unfortunately my husband was in hospital for three weeks before he died so I had washed all his clothes as I really expected him to come home and now I bitterly regret doing that especially his dressing gown as I could have wrapped it around me for comfort. The only thing I hadn’t washed was his coat so I sometimes wrap that around me to feel close to him, it is crazy the things you do just to get you through. I even sent a message to his phone, hoping somehow he would be able to read it, utter madness I know!! I know what you mean about going out and coming back to an empty silent home, I joined a walking group just to make myself get out and it is fine, but as soon as I walk back through the door I break down because he isn’t here, I often think the hospital will phone and say it was all a mistake and he didn’t die, again madness!! Everyone on this site knows the hell of the weekends, knowing other people are home with their families and we are all alone, you just feel so jealous and angry. I spend the time doing on line solitaire (very apt) as I find concentrating on that takes my mind off the misery for awhile and also doing crosswords, it is really just anything to pass the time away, it is such a waste of life and I wonder all the time what is the point in carrying on, but then I feel guilty because he wanted to live, so I feel I should carry on for both of us, but it is such a painful lonely journey, I didn’t realise you could feel such pain without an actual injury. So I guess we all just keep trying to carry on as best we can. Love and hugs to you and everyone else out there living through this misery x
Hi Kathy
It is one thing l dread is falling ill and there will be no one to help me. I have heart, cholesterol and pancreas problems which are controlled by medication. My step daughter would pop in to see me but she works 8.30 to 5.30 every day and has a 5 year old to look sfter. But that is not the same a my wife who was a nurse looking after me.
Hi Lynn
The 15 years l had with my wife were very precious. We cared for each other in sickness and in health. I am quite domesticated and helped her with virtually all the chores around the house, there is nothing l would not do for her as her mobility was limited due to her knee and hip replacement.
My wife’s passing was sudden, went to work in the morning but never came home in the evening.
Things we do may seem crazy to others but they are not going through unbelievable grief and heartache as we are. Every night since my wife’s passing l send her a short text message hoping she can read it. I also kiss her photo on my bedside table each night before l sleep and again when l wake just as l did in person for the 15 years we were together. It may seem like madness but l don’t care what anybody thinks.
I sometimes fill jealous and angry when l see couples walking hand in hand or giving one another a kiss goodbye, the simple pleasures now denied me. I want to go up to them and say make the most of these pleasures because when they are gone they are gone forever.
I have had thoughts of not wanting to be here but to be with her, but l know deep down she would want me to be strong to assist her daughter (my step daughter) with practical things around her house as her dad has zero DIY skills (to keep my self occupied l am at the moment renovating her 6 dining room chairs).
The journey is painful and lonely but l keep being told lt is sad what has happened but l have to carry on. But they don’t realise that is not as easy as they think when your heart and soul are completely broken.
Take care of yourself. X
Trev58 I also kiss my husbands photo morning and night also sleep with a small I’d photo of him and write In my diary to him asking him to come and get me . I think we just do what we can to try and take away some of the pain. Thinking of you
Hi Trev
I’m the same, I have a photo I kiss every night & say goodnight to. I sleep with Derek’s jumper & a cushion with his photo on. 2 years on I still WhatsApp his phone, it’s like a daily journal. Our Alexa still says good morning Derek & Jo. We had just moved into a small flat as we had taken early retirement, well Derek had & I was due to. We’d bought an apartment in Spain 5 years previous & we were going to retire there. We hadn’t had chance to put the bed together so were sleeping on a sofa bed. He never slept in our bed. Our daughter & son in law put it together whilst he was in hospital, unexpectedly he died & never came out. What people who haven’t been through what we’re going through don’t understand, is that our life as it was ends as well. Our future is no longer what we planned & dreamt of, how do you ever recover from that? The only thing I’m glad about is that My Derek hasn’t had to suffer the pain of watching me go & the pain of being left alone 
Sending love & strength x
Hi trev58
I also get very jealous and angry when I see couples together and feel the same about wanting to tell them to treasure every moment.
All we have are precious memories of our much missed loved ones.
Xx
Broken2222
I think most of us in this situation do something to ease the pain, even if it seems crazy to others. They have never experienced the suffering and pain we are going through.
Virtual hug.
Jodel712
I find it some comfort to message my Alicia ever night, this goes some small way to compensate for our bedtime talks we used to have before we went to sleep.
When l am up to it my step daughter is going to have a cushion made from her fleece or dressing gown that l can have on the bed.
I agree that people do not realise that when a wife/husband passes away that our life ends as well and we only exist until we are with them again.
Alicia was due to retire later this year and me in 2 years time and we had planned things we wanted to do but these dreams will never be fulfilled.
Virtual hug. Take care.
Barbara61
As you say all we have now are the precious past memories with no hope of any future memories of the things we planned when we were going to retire.
We were both working full time and had little spare time together apart from weekends and we were planning to make good use of the time when we could be together without having the pressure of work, but this will never happen now.
Not only do I get angry and jealous of seeing couples in the street but also of TV adverts for dating websites for over 50’s, for funeral plans and direct cremations, cruises (we were planning to go on one when we retired), holiday adverts showing happy couples laughing/wining and dining.
Virtual hug xx.
My husband was retired but just had a few months then cancer diagnosed. I’m 10 years younger but the plan was always to try and retire at 60 to enjoy retirement together. In the end I gave up work 3 years ago to look after him. We didn’t get anywhere or do anything as he was poorly and even missed out on seeing family due to lockdowns and shielding. Now not only left on my own but no income apart from his private pension and got to wait another 6 years for my pension. So like you seeing things like the ads for holidays etc makes me angry and upset. Our lives just changed for ever and our plans for the future taken from us. Life isn’t fair xx
Barbara61
Due to lock downs and me shielding l had not seen my family, who live hundreds of miles away, for 3 years and my wife’s two sisters even longer as they live abroad.
My step daughter is close by, due to her work commitments l only see her at weekends, l see my sons every now and again as they live away. Basically l am rattling around in this house on my own, as l also work from home and only speak to my work colleagues on video calls.
Our lives have changed forever. Life is not fair. I have always been something of an introvert and do not have any what you would call friends, only aquantances. People tell me l am kind, soft hearted and so inoffensive. I do not like confrontation. I like a quite easy life and will go beyond for someone l love. I have been told by my late wife’s best friend that l am an exception to the rule but l don’t see my self any different. So why is it so unfair that l have always drawn the short straw when it comes to life.
My first wife and l amicably separated and divorced after 23 years of marriage as she thought the grass was greener on the other side, but as she has subsequently found out it has not been. I did everything for her. I was quite content which may have been the problem.
I met my late wife online. As it turned out we were so compatible. She had gone through so many trials and tribulations in her life, she was adopted, her parents died young, one of her sisters ran off with her fiancé, her son died of leukemia at 16, her first husband gambled away any money they had before she had the guts to call it a day. When l met her we knew we were so compatible, it took me quite a few months to convince her that the loving things and compliments l said to her were true and from my heart, as she had not experienced this before. I worshipped her and would bend over backwards for her. Her being taken from me after 15 years together is so unfair and again l have been drawn the short straw.
Since her passing just before Xmas, l have been told by her best friend and one of her sisters that in their private conversations with her she told them that she wished she had met me earlier , her sister said l treated her as she should have been treated and her best friend told me she was envious of the loving life me and my wife had and l was one in a million. If that is the case why was l drawn the short straw yet again. It is so unfair.
Has x