I’m in a dark place to day and struggling even more. I don’t know if I have been kidding myself thinking I can keep on doing this. I keep going for our pets. But In all honesty I don’t want this life, its not living anymore its existing. I have had days like this before and can usually take comfort in our pets. But that’s not working today. This world has lost its light and sweetness without you in it for me. If I didn’t have the pets I could put an end to it. But how can I leave them, it’s not fair on them and I would be breaking my word to you baby. It hurts so much losing you, the pain is unbearable and tears me apart. I’m so empty and lost. This darkness pulls at me and sucks me in and overwhelms me. The way I see it now I’m just here to care for our babies, like I have been for over 9 months now. I have no present and no future. There is no happiness in anything no joy. Just this heartwrenching pain that doesn’t ease. I keep asking God to let me die. I just want to be with you pauline. But then I feel guilty because of our pets. They need me,but I’m not the same person. I’m dead inside, part of me died with you and what’s left isn’t worth anything. I love you pauline and I love our babies and I always will. I keep on thinking of rehoming them and then doing what I need to do to stop this pain. I wasn’t meant to be here without you. It’s not right and it never will be. Everyday is such a struggle and just so full of pain. I’m tired babe so broken and worn out.
I’m so sorry to hear your despair & I wish I could make it better, it reads so familiar. I don’t have the pets, but they’re there to pull you through & they are what keeps you going. I keep going in the main for my mum, she’s 82 & wouldn’t cope without me here. She was very ill last year, thought she wouldn’t make it but she did. I often think my Derek had a hand in that because he knows how much she keeps me going. I often think what I would do if I hadn’t her & I know that the emptiness inside since I lost my soulmate, my best friend would be unbearable. I hope you find a glimmer of light, it’s there somewhere.
Sending love & strength.
Take care x
Oh Casey I feel for you, where do we fit in the world without our loved one, it’s such a struggle and so easy to go on the dark side, I don’t have any answers but know that you not alone we’re all on the same dreary road, I’ve literally dragged myself round the common with my dog and feel so envious of his world view only worried about a rabbit hole or what’s round the corner but unfortunately it feels like we have the world on our shoulders, I’m struggling at nearly six months but will plod on because surely there has to be something else for us and how lucky we were to have known such love me from my husband and you from your beloved Pauline sending love and hugs xx
Casey I’m 16 months into this journey you have also been placed on and when I was at the stage you are now at I felt exactly the same as you do now.
I just kept reminding myself they my Rob wouldn’t want me to feel all this pain ( easier said than done I know) and I try to live everyday for him and to make him proud and I’m sure that’s what Pauline would want for you too she wouldn’t want you to be in pain and discomfort and your pets won’t either because they sense our emotions .
Unfortunately we have no option but to carry on especially when we have someone or something that depends on us we owe it to ourself and most of all to the loved one we can no longer see .
Take care and take comfort from this site and keep talking it’s important and it helps too
Oh Casey, I’m so very sorry for how you’re feeling at the moment. I agree with all the other replies to you, but I would say Kazzer has said everything to you that I would say, especially “unfortunately we have no option but to carry on”
That is the sad truth of our situation, we just have to hope we feel better tomorrow.
I hope the love for your pets gets you through Casey. Pauline would hate to think of you feeling so low.
There is no rhyme or reason to losing the loves of our lives, but somehow we have to carry on.
Much love to you, and everyone on this thread, Janey xx
Hi all firstly thankyou all for responding to me,and for your kind comments and advice. It’s very much appreciated. I’m so sorry we are all on this heartbreaking journey. Sending love and hugs to you all x
I hope you’re in a slightly better place this evening Casey, my little cat is sitting on my knee, she’s such a comfort. I know your pets will be too xx
My cat is to me too. It’s definitely a help and a comfort to just have her here x
Morning Casey . I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling so low , you are right in saying that we do try and kid ourselves that we are doing well . I hope today is a little better at least , we are all here for you . Please take care.
Love Angie xx
Hi Casey, I feel exactly like you do, only without the pets or anything to keep me going. The pain is so bad sometimes I can hardly breathe and only people like you and others on here know how that feels. My Conrad died in June last year and it was such a shock I still find it hard to believe and the more it sinks in the worse the pain is. I cry constantly and I am just so exhausted by it. Every evening I drown my sorrows with alcohol, people say I shouldn’t drink every evening, but why not, if it kills me then it’s win, win as far as I can see. People say you are still young you have a lot of life to live, but I just want to scream at them that I don’t want to have a lot of life, I just want to be with him. I hope you can start to feel a bit better soon, just cudle your pets and think of your lovely wife, I have to make do with a cushion, but sometimes at night just for a second I can pretend it is him. If you get really down there are people you can call who are very understanding and you can always message me or others on here, sometimes just having that is enough to keep you going for another day. Sending you a big hug x
Casey and Lynn2
I am feeling exactly like you both do. I also have no pets to cuddle. My wife passed away suddenly whilst at work 5 weeks ago today. It was a massive shock as she was not ill. I am finding as days go by the pain and grief is not easing but getting worse. Especially on Wednesdays, the day of her death.
This afternoon the funeral directors phoned to say they now have her ashes. Whilst she was in the Chapel of rest and at the funeral last Friday l felt that she was still with me but now receiving that telephone call has now made it seem final and that l will not see her again. After the call l broke down in tears.
In the evenings l just sit in the lounge, the TV is on but l just stare at it not taking in any programmes. I cannot drown my grief in alcohol. I had pancreatitis and had my gall bladder removed 7 months ago and was told by the doctor to avoid alcohol as this could cause inflammation and pain. But the pain would be no more excruciating than the pain l am suffering from the loss of my wife.
If someone says to me l am still relatively young (l am 63) and have a lot of life to live l would want to scream at them also. What is a life approaching retirement on your own. People around me have their own lives to lead, l don’t have what l would call friends and only family close by is my step daughter and my son. My wife and l kept our own company and very rarely socialised. I am not one for mixing, l have always been a bit of a loner.
Like you l miss my wife’s hugs and cuddles. My step daughter is going to have a cushion made for me from one of her favourite article of clothing which l can keep on our bed and cuddle when l want.
I read the messages on this site at night in bed and reply occasionally. It gives me a little comfort that l am not the only one in this situation and others are suffering similar pain.
I agree that most people do not understand the pain of losing a wife/husband. It is pain that l have never experienced in my life.
Take care x
Hi all I just want to say thank you all for responding to me and sharing with me. We are all on this horrendous heartbreaking journey of grief and as much as we are all hurting. We still reach out and support eachother and that is a blessing to know we are not alone and that people care. I am so grateful for this site and the people on it. Our lifes will never be the same,how can they we have lost the most important person in the world to us. But somehow we keep going for our lost loved ones and those we love. I see so much pain and heartbreak on here . But I also see a community of people who are so resilent caring and thoughtfull and willing to listen and offer support. One thing I do know is that we will always love those we lost and miss them and never forget them. They are in our hearts minds and thoughts and we do carry them with us in all we do. Take care sending love and hugs to you all x
You are so welcome Casey . Yes we are all here for each other , helping to get us through this horrendous journey. Take care.
Love Angie xx
Hello Trev58
I understand your agony, it is all so recent for you. I don’t really remember the first few months, I was completely alone and had to sort everything out by myself and now 7 months on it just comes back to me in flashes, then it was January and as it became more real the pain just got even worse which I didn’t think was possible. Like you I don’t have any real friends and also no family close by. My husband and I didn’t really socialise either, we were just happy together and didn’t like large gatherings. The price you pay for that is the utter lonliness when you lose them. I’m 67 and my husband was 14 years older, but he was always so fit and seemed years younger, I always thought he would outlive me and I worried how he would cope because I always organised everything, he couldn’t even use the computer as he wasn’t interested in it. So I guess it was better that he went first, I would have hated for him to have felt the agony I am feeling without even the computer for company, it is my only life line. My heart breaks for you that you can’t even have a drink to deaden the pain and how devastating to have survived pancreatitis only to then lose your wife so suddenly, life is so cruel. I had my husbands ashes put in a nice wooden casket which I keep in the lounge with his photo on top so I can talk to him, of course he can’t answer, but he didn’t always answer me when he was alive!!! The cushion is a great idea and hopefully it will bring you some comfort. I hope one day our pain will ease a bit as surely the body can only cope with so much. for now take care and remember we are all here if you need to get things off your chest and you can always message me at any time. Thinking of you and sending hugs x
Lynn2
Thank you for your kind message.
You are right in that loneliness is the price we pay for us keeping our own company. We were so looking forward to the day we both were retired and we had time to do the things we wanted to do.
My step daughter wants her mums ashes buried at the crematorium or the cemetery so we can visit and place flowers. But l am liking the idea of having the ashes at home. I am thinking l may have a small decorative ern with some of her ashes kept at home so her presence is always with me and have the rest buried in a double plot so l can be placed with her when my time is up.
Thinking of you take care x
Hi Trev, yes I have Alf’s ashes. I picked a container with a woodland scene on it as he loved to go for walks in our local woods with me. The ashes are in our bedroom but every evening I bring them in the lounge and feel we are watching the tv together. I even talk to him about the programs. I have mentioned this before on the forum and people have said whatever works for me. I think that goes for us all.
Take care Trev x
Trev58
What ever you decide to do don’t let any one rush you into doing something you don’t want, sometimes people think they have the right to intervene, but it is you that is living this hell. Counsellors will often advise you don’t make any big decisions in the first year as people often regret things later. If you want the ashes at home then just keep them for a while and you can always bury them at any time, but it must be your decision. I have told my family that I will keep the ashes and when I go they can scatter both our ashes together somewhere, we were always together in life and I want us to be together in death. I find I am so undecisive these days, it feels like each day I take one step forward and two steps back, I think I am terrified to let go of the grief because then I will know I have rreally lost him. I haven’t changed anything, all his things are still where he left them, his clothes, his toothbrush, his razor, even his wallet with all his cards and money, it is like I am waiting for him to come home and I suppose in many ways I am. I guess it is a kind of madness, but that is what it does to you, will we ever get through this horror? My thoughts are with you and all the others on here going through this hell. Take care of yourself x
Hi Lynn2
Thank you for your kind message.
You are quite right in that it’s a living hell. Based on average life expectancy l have another 17 years of this hell. This is longer than the time we were together (we were both in our second marriages). People say it will get easier over time, but at the moment I can’t see l will get through the horror.
Thanks for the advice on not making any big decisions in the first year. I will discuss the options with my step daughter.
I have not sorted out any of her clothes. Some of her clothes are still in the wash basket. I just haven’t had the inclination to sort thinks out.
Come 5.45pm each day l stare at the telephone waiting for it to ring and for her to say could l come and pick her up from work. But it never rings.
I went out to a quiz tonight. It felt awkward with her not being there. But the worse thing was coming home to a cold and empty house on my own.
I don’t think l will ever be free of this hell until l am with her again. X
Know how you’re feeling Trev. Whenever I wasn’t feeling well, Alf was there for me. I have had really bad sciatica for the past two weeks and can hardly get around the house. My daughter and family have all got covid so couldn’t help me. I always had Alf before, he done everything for me if I was ill. Didn’t need anyone else. X
First, my heart goes out to you and all who are in this living HELL what can anyone do or say when all we want is our life back the way it was which we Have to face is never going to happen
Our only hope is for time to heal and try our hardest to survive a day at a time. Love thoughts and prayers to all of you