Im losing my mum to cancer

Hi. I am losing my mum to cancer. She was given short months long years. In april. But that was with the hope that mum was strong and well enough for treatment. She isnt. We have had a talk this morning. An she has decided she wants quality over quantitiy. An i understand as much as i can. But it is heartbreaking i am going to lose her. She is getting frailer by the day. I am looking after her. As she wont let macmillan or anyone else in to help. As anyone else experienced this. She is on paliative care. An wants to die at home. An i want that for her too. But i am not a nurse. An i dont know what to do. I am caring for her. But it is only going to get worse. What can i do. To help. What can i do to make her happy and calm? How do i spend quality time with her? Thank u in advance for anyone who replies.

Hello @Sdewy,

I’m Seaneen, and I’m part of the Online Community team. I wanted to say thank you for bravely reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few resources which might be helpful right now.

  • Our Supporting someone at the end-of-life pages contain practical advice for those helping someone close to death and information about what you can expect when death is near.
  • Our Anticipatory grief page talks about the feelings associated with grief in the days, months or years before someone dies. This is known as anticipatory grief, as you are grieving for someone who is still alive.

Macmillan offers support to the families of people living with cancer. They have an online chat which is open until 8pm every day. They also have a free support line which you can call on 0808 808 00 00. Even if your mum won’t let them in to help right now, there is lots of advice and support they can offer you.

I hope you find the community a good source of support to you, too.

Take good care - you are not alone.

Seaneen

Hi @Sdewy I am so sorry to read your post. I lost my Mum almost 8 weeks ago to cancer.
Mum was quite stable for 9-10 weeks after diagnosis but when she started to go downhill (for her it was being unable to eat and pain got worse quite suddenly) we organised hospice care at home and I have to say there is no way I would have been able to cope without the nurses support. They were amazing - visited daily for her last week, organised a hospital bed at home, as my Mum’s wish was to pass at home, and helped with pain management and personal care. I still felt I was able to care for Mum (Alongside my Dad and brother) but the nurse’s involvement meant Mum wasn’t in much pain and felt safe - it also meant we could ‘simply’ be her family, sit and talk to her and be with her and the experts could do the medical side of things. I know how hard it is as my Mum resisted care for a time but I know she was so relieved when we got them in place and felt really safe. I think that being able to spend quality time with your Mum will be made so much easier if you have some care in place.
They also helped by explaining what I needed to do ‘practically’ when the time came and that reduced anxiety for me as I had never gone through anything like this before.
I hope sharing my experience has helped a little. Please take care and I’ll keep you in my thoughts x

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