My wonderful 79 year old mum is on end of life drugs at home. She had a heart valve operation on 29th July that went wrong, in fact they thought she was going on 2nd August but is still with us. However she only has days/weeks left. Thank God my Dad sister and aunt are there to help because I’m just going to pieces. I’ve lived with her all my life, she’s my everything. My best friend, agony aunt and confidant. Her health got so bad that along with my Dad I’ve been her main carer the last 10 years, even going part-time at work to be there for her. The longest I’ve ever been apart from her in my 45 years is about a month.
My mental health hasn’t been great since Covid, I’ve used cannabis as a mood enhancer for years but now feel it’s become a crutch and losing my mum is going to put me in a very bad place. My anxiety is through the roof. I’m terrified about the future, all I can see is a great big hole in my life that I won’t be able to fill. I used to be very sociable, playing live music etc but I seem to have lost interest in everything except being home with Mum. And now she’s leaving me.
I cried a lot the first two days but not since then. I think that’s just because she’s still here. Sleep has been better this week but I wake at strange hours of the night 4/5/6am. I’m just dreading the first night I wake up after she’s gone as that will be agony and the tears will flow like a river. Also the thought that I’m going to watch her die over the next few weeks terrifies me.
My sister thinks I need counselling and/or medication. I think I will go for counselling but want to know if others found medication helped. I’ve been lucky enough to live a fairly trauma-free life up to this point but this is going to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me and I just don’t think I’m mentally strong enough to handle it. Thanks for any advice.
I am so sorry losing a mother is the most worst. I lost mine. life has been a struggle since. I am still lost without her and my dad. only child.
I know the feeling. it is life. not always how we want it to be.
then my two good friends died … my family in Norway hardly there at all.
I feel for you! take it a step at a time. your mother wants the best for you. also when I lost my dad it was hard. bone crushing hard. I am thinking of you.
I got no sleep at all last night, Dr has prescribed propranolol for my anxiety, I hope it helps me get some sleep tonight.
Mum is starting to get more agitated at night which is becoming a nightmare, my Dad’s taking the lion’s share of getting up but I feel guilty for not doing more. He’s much stronger mentally than I am however and can survive on little sleep, I can’t.
This is becoming so awful I’m thinking it might have been better had she just gone in the hospital
Have you thought about getting nurses in to offer palatine care and to give you both a break from caring for her but you can still be with her does that make sense
Eventually things got so bad that Mum had to be transferred to our local Macmillan unit which took a lot of the pressure off. She died last Saturday evening, 3rd September. I was there along with Dad and her two sisters.
Strangely I’ve been fairly OK since, one or two moments where I felt a little despair but generally much better than I was expecting to be. I even managed to get through the funeral without breaking down.
I’m wondering has it just not hit me properly yet? My anxiety levels have dropped markedly since she died.
Did I get a lot of my crying done in the horrible 5 week period between her terminal diagnosis and her death? I’m on sleeping tablets now & slept properly last night for the first time since this all started.
I’ve barely cried at all since she died and am really confused as to why I’m holding up better than I thought I would.
You were experiencing anticipatory grief knowing your beloved mum was deteriorating. Even so it is still a shock once the inevitable happens. You will no doubt feel a mixture of emotions alongside your grief that perhaps you weren’t expecting - relief that your mum is no longer suffering, sadness, guilt, numbness - all sorts. Emotions come and go and your experience is different to anyone elses. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Just accept what you feel and know in your worst moments that you won’t always feel that bad. Sometimes you will feel fine and that’s perfectly ok too. Sending you my condolences and a virtual hug. Take care.
Thanks JJBee yes I certainly was experiencing anticipatory grief. I’ve been mostly ok this week, had a bit of a wobble this morning but visiting my sister and her family helped distract me a little as did having a beer at her house.
One of the things I’m struggling with is how empty and quiet the house is now, it feels far too big for just me & my Dad. I find I’ve got nothing to do with all the free time I have now and the days are so long and empty.
I can’t believe she’s gone, don’t think it’s even really hit me properly yet. What a terrible price we pay for the love we have for the people we lose. This forum is helping me a little, ‘friends’ have abandoned me altogether.
Well it seems it has hit me because about an hour ago for no reason I started into a 10 minute crying fit, the first time I’ve been properly crying since she passed. I actually felt a lot better afterwards, it relieves stress and I knew it had been building up inside me the last two weeks.
I never wanted to be part of this club but reading the other threads on here and sharing our grief does help in a way, knowing I’m not alone although it’s only been 17 days for me. My boss rang me during the crying fit so I didn’t pick up but will have to go see him soon. I’m covered until the end of the month but will have to think about going back even though I don’t want to.
It’s really mild tonight outside so I took a walk around the block to clear my head and have a smoke. I’ve unfortunately started on the cigarettes again. I’m pleased to say I’ve almost entirely quit the cannabis as I know now it was causing me more problems than it was solving.
It’s been the hardest 8 weeks of my life since Mum’s terminal diagnosis. 45 seems too young for me to lose my Mum and my little sister is only 38. Much love to everyone on here fighting their own battles with grief. It truly is a horrendous thing to deal with.
45 is too young.
let grief have its way with you … otherwise fighting it will make it longer and harder.
give into it?
I lost mine and I still come on here after five years … I was a lonely only. my central nervous system could not handle the world a month after. grief classes helped. best to you.
Thanks berit, it’ll be a month next Monday and tears are starting to come more easily now. Last night I was watching TV and looked at a blue lampshade I ordered for her about 3 months ago which she loved and just started crying.
I’ve finally been out in public since the funeral, an old friend took me out for coffee on Saturday which lifted my mood a little and today I managed to visit Tesco for a few items. It’s hard seeing members of the public laughing and smiling, getting on with their lives, I feel like shouting ‘don’t you know my mum’s dead’.
Today is 11 weeks since I found out Mum was terminal and yesterday was 6 weeks since she passed. I’m starting to struggle a bit now, crying several times a day as it seems to be starting to hit me properly. I still can’t believe I’m never going to see her again.
I went back to work on Friday, it wasn’t quite as bad as I was expecting but it was tough having to fight back the tears a few times. On the way home I realised the last time I made that journey was the day before Mum’s operation and she was sitting in her chair as usual when I got in. I cried the whole way home, desperately wanting her to be there again
Dad’s gone to Spain for 2 weeks so I’m currently on my own. My brother & his girlfriend took me out for a drink last night and I actually enjoyed it. But when I got back to the empty house the tears came again.
Couldn’t sleep last night and feel very low today. I wasn’t prepared for her death at all or for how much it was going to affect me. Much love to everyone on here in their own grief journey
Thanks berit. I think I’m feeling too good at times, that it still hasn’t properly hit home. I felt a bit suicidal when I found out she was dying, thankfully that has passed but I’m worried I’ll feel like that again over the coming weeks/months when the full realisation sinks in.
My life feels pretty empty with no Mum to look after, I’ve tried to keep busy but still find myself with empty hours to fill. She’s on my mind 24/7 and I’ve been going to bed 12 hours a day, not sleeping for much of the time but to try & make the days seem a bit shorter. How am I going to live like this for months/years, it feels like I’m only existing from day to day, not living. She would be very hurt to see me like this
