My mum died suddenly last November from a massive seizure and heart attack. I tried CPR but she ended up brain dead for a week in hospital - the guilt from this is killing me as I should have just let her go peacefully. Instead it was torture watching her suffer for a week until she was on a morphine drip until she died. I’m now left with my partner and my dad, who is 77 and was married to my Mum for 55 years. There’s no-one who really understands the loss and the emptiness I’m feeling. I have no family contacts and I’m an only child. I was very close to my Mum and now I feel lost even at 53 years old. Of course I put on a brave face for my partner and my dad but inside, I’m broken. I still expect her to walk through the door. The worst part is the ‘fear’ - the fear of not being able to cope and knowing that I’ll have to go through all this again one day when my dad dies. I feel like I’m just existing and not living anymore.
Hi,
I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. I’ve lost my mum too a few years ago and I can empathise with your feelings. She had breast cancer and a medical trial she underwent unfortunately had side affects leaving her with a painful lymphoedema. The last days in the hospice were so upsetting, she was refusing pain control so some of the things I saw and did still haunt me. It’s a horrible feeling, it’s a shit time but I hope you find some comfort that it is something you can live with.
I bottled so much inside, particularly my guilt/shame/grief and went through the next few years in a haze. If I have one thing more than understanding I can offer you it’s just the advice ask for help if you need it. Seek out bereavement groups and counselling, grief does get easier to bear when shared. I understand the having to put on a brave face but you need someone to help you as well, it doesn’t matter your age it’s still shit.
I just want to wish you the best and I want you to know you’re not alone.
Hi Dorothy99, thanks for your response and I’m sorry to hear about your Mum too. You probably had high hopes with the medical trial so it must have been awful when it didn’t work. My Mum was not well most of last year but the doctors didn’t listen. She was on the wrong medication for Type 2 diabetes which they couldn’t get right. She had a tremor and suffered from epilepsy as well so really not well. She took ill on the 14th Nov and later that day suffered a massive seizure and heart attack. I know what you mean when you have flash backs of what happened. I hate myself for listening to the 999 call telling me to do CPR but she’d closed her eyes and gone so I wish I hadn’t. I have access to counselling with work so thank you for the advice. Work also gave me a book, Beyond Goodbye, which I’m finding useful and it’s helping me understand why I’m feeling like I am. You’re right, it’s pretty shit right now and putting on a brave face is tiring. Like you, I think I’m still in a haze at the minute. Thanks for your response. Reach out if you need to chat on here. It’s comforting to know there are people out there who will listen x
That sounds horrible, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling but I can empathise. It must hurt a lot and I hope you’re finding time where it eases. I’ve not read Beyond Goodbye actually I might have a look. I’ve been reading on and off things about mourning/death.
It’s awful being in that haze, if you want to reach out to chat more as well I’m hear to listen.
Hope you had some time to relax at the weekend and hope you’re doing good tonight.
Thank you, that means a lot. One of the things I found difficult when my Mum died was the lack of sympathy my dad and I received. I told him not to take it personally as some people just don’t know what to say. People we have known for years didn’t make contact which we found very strange. I hope it’s getting a little it easier for you too since your Mum died. She sounds like she was quite stubborn refusing the pain control - just like my Mum was stubborn not going to the doctors. I have good days but then I feel guilty for being happy and wondering what Mum would think and I have bad days with the flash backs. Work offers an employee assistance programme but I’m reluctant to contact anyone as I just know they won’t understand or I’ll get some young person on the end of the phone who has never actually experience death. The book I suggested contains real life experiences and it explains the emotions you go through when you lose a loved one - I found it comforting so I hope you do too. Thank you for the offer to chat on here - and likewise too. It does help to know there is someone out there to share the emotional rollercoaster with.
Yea that is a bit upsetting if people haven’t reached out, it is likely as you say they don’t know what to say. Just sometimes I wish we didn’t have the massive taboo built up around discussing death so people don’t overthink reaching out.
My mum was a really stubborn lady, I think that’s half the reason she beat cancer for so long. She was very much a “Do it her own way” kind of woman, it is somehow both admirable and difficult haha.
It’s an emotional rollercoaster for sure, and I know the feeling. I didn’t want to reach out as I didn’t think that I’d get someone who would “get it”. It’s sometimes worth it just for the chance that someone will, even if they’re young. This is one of the first times I’m trying hard to reach out, so I empathise but it’s been really helpful seeing other people talk so openly. You sound like a really strong person, I’d find it difficult being the primary comfort for my dad after my mum died. You deserve care too.
It’s just taking every day as it comes isn’t it?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your message sooner - it’s been really busy at work this week!
Yes, our mum’s do sound like they were very stubborn. Mine was extremely stubborn. She wouldn’t go to the doctors with her Type 2 Diabetes - she was on the wrong medication which gave her bad stomach upsets so she never went out hardly last year. She was scared that anything would happen to my dad and she would be on her own. I think she gave up after my grandad (her dad) died too.
I will contact my work EAP next week and see if I can reach out to someone there. I’m outwardly strong but inside I’m a crumbling wreck.
It certainly is about taking every day as it comes. I still haven’t sorted out my mum’s things yet - I just can do it yet. It makes things too final.
I don’t know about you but I’m just forcing my head into work to keep occupied - anything so I don’t have to think about my mum and how she died.
Thankfully spring is on its way. I hope you’re OK too. Thanks for listening x
Again I’m sorry for how long it has taken me to get back to you, I really appreciate your reply. I hope you are doing well and again sorry for the delay.
I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I have been there and it’s really shit. Did the EAP get back to you?
It must have been so painful, it’s just awful feeling that powerlessness when someone is being so stubborn it’s affecting their health. I keep having to remember it is their life to make those choices but it doesn’t make it any easier to bear somethings. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Yea I kept my mum’s jacket for ages as it smelled like her, I brought it back from the hospice it took me years to get rid of it. I think getting your mum’s things sorted will just be a baby steps thing, take your time.
Yea I did the same, I was in work after 3 weeks which I don’t know if it was good or not but it certainly did keep my mind off it. I get it.
Spring is here hopefully, I can’t wait for some heat and sun from the summer, I hope you have some time to relax.
Wishing you all the best, thank you for chatting with me. x