Hi, happy New Year everyone!
This is my first message on here.
I am to keep it very short so that hopefully someone will actually bother to read and preferably reply if they are able to help at all.
I’m age 29 female british born but unfortunately athla full ethnic minority which is something I cannot conceal.
It’s not just the bereavement I’m suffering with but is definitely a part of the entire ordeal I feel that I am enduring.
After I became estranged, my father passed at the age of 92 when I was 26.
I didn’t find out until a year later, merely through an acquaintance who told me so casually as though she was just telling me some basic news.
None of my existing family members I.e evil half mix waste step siblings ever bothered to reach out to me even though they really ought to have.
I’ve always been chronically unwell but I only have a few diagnoses which include Fibromyalgia and Prurigo Nodularis. And unfortunately, I’m long-term, unemployed and in total poverty.
So I’m already struggling with a multitude of physical and mental pains including this increased pain in my right foot and leg which are causing the Vicious cycle of feeling further depressed and vice versa.
Neither of my parents worked and we weren’t exactly rich but I’d never found myself in a position when I was living at home where I have absolutely no money to live on and no food on the table and not even a sofa to sit on.
The last time I left was in 2020.
I have absolutely no reasons or plans to go back there for several valid reasons, but in spite of how difficult my upbringing was and how challenging it was to have age Gap, parents who are of an ethnic minority and who clearly were very mismatched and had no clue how to bring children into the world or at least raise them anyway, I still really miss my father who I didn’t expect would pass away so quickly after I left.
Don’t even ask me about things like inheritance because I have no idea if he even had anything to leave behind or if he even did if I would not be surprised if my half-siblings had hugged everything anyway even though they were old enough to be my parents themselves and are all now in their 60s.
My head is full of migraine as I’m typing this so I can only apologise for any errors. Whilst I would like to check before I message or leave a message. I also don’t feel I have much time to be grammar checking, punctuation checking, spelling, checking, etc
I’m completely new to this community so I don’t really know how empathetic or how non-empathetic people may be, but I’m still going to be as honest as I possibly can in the hope of perhaps reaching people who can understand the complex grief I’m experiencing, and though I’ve tried to reach out to mental health professionals, none seem to have understood or supported me in the ways I feel I need.
I don’t mean to link everything. I’m going through my personal life to the bereavement but the more I’m failing in my own life the more I feel like a failure as a daughter because even after he passed and even as he was that age when he passed, I’m still a complete mutter failure even though I’m in my late last late last stage of being in my twenties and I’m supposed to be my prime but instead I am sat here with absolutely no penny in my pocket. No money in my account. No strategies on how to earn and save money. No disability. Confident job support and just absolutely rotting away like I cannot even explain.
To this day I still feel to blame for his death because possibly because I left he may have died quickly or more quickly. I don’t know but I know that if I was still in the house and he had died when I was still in the house I would still have been blamed by my mother and my evil half siblings and either I’m far away from them. I’m still trapped because I don’t have any money or freedom.
When many people say they have no money usually they tend to have money as in they have some family members or a partner or friends or a savings account or a rainy day fund. Or you know something as a backup. But when I tell you I have no money, I mean I literally have no money and I wouldn’t say it’s my fault at all because I’ve actively been seeking work even though I’m actually currently on something called limited capability for work which is where you’re not supposed to seek work. However, I don’t receive the rent payment for where I live in the shared house. So I use the predominant amount of my income for the rent leaving very little till last on each month and I’ve always found myself in this position where less than 3 weeks into each month. I have absolutely no money left. I have been reaching out to local organisations who have given me some promise of potentially applying for a food parcel and perhaps signposting me to other organisations. However, it’s all awaiting game as ever and I don’t feel comfortable or better about myself at all. Even I reached out yesterday.
I’m extremely disappointed and saddened that I’m in this position. In all honesty, I do feel envy about those people out there who have family and friends and loved ones and people to go and meet and even more so I’m envious of people who have the privilege of having a job and being able to earn on this day because for the rest of the year they can say they’ve earned. They’ve worked. They’ve saved and they don’t necessarily have the same barriers as myself either. But they still can be proud of themselves and they can even boast if they want to. And nobody’s there to criticise them.
I feel beyond failed as a daughter because I was his youngest daughter of eight. He had six children from his previous marriage and two from his last. My parents were definitely both very messed up people although not necessarily diagnosed and they had absolutely no prospects. They had no job. They had no education. They had no life skills. They had no emotional maturity. They had absolutely nothing to offer and it still disgusts and confuses me how and why they even breeded and brought new children into the world. It just absolutely sickens me, especially because my entire life. I’ve been criticised over my appearance and characteristics outside of my control.
I’m not strong enough to end my own life unfortunately But this definitely isn’t a quality of existence.
I cannot even tell you the disparities I see and hear on daily basis between myself and regular people.
I don’t know if any of this is coherent. I’m typing through a lot of fatigue, pain, distress, anger and other manner of negative emotions, but I hope it does make sense and I hope someone can resonate and help because I don’t want to keep living like this, especially not at this age and into a new year and after everything I’ve already endured.
I’m finally I would just like to say that although everybody’s situation is different and everybody’s grief is different and everybody’s thresholds are different. I truly do empathise with anyone who has experienced any form of loss because it’s never a simple thing.
Happy New Year
Hello, welcome to this group and I hope you find it as helpful as I have and still do. We are all here because we have lost people who are special to us - and still are. Love never dies… However, I understand although we are in the same storm we sail in very different ships. Do you have a support worker or anyone who can help you navigate this really difficult situation for you? I’m 2 years into losing Mum and Dad passed in October. I hope others reach out to you so you know you are not alone , Take care. Jules
Hi Jules, thank you for your response. I’m more alone today than ever before and life just keeps getting worse to be very honest with you no matter how much gratitude, optimism, and solid effort that I implement.
I know everyone has their ups and downs in life and there’s many shared experiences, but I really do feel unusually afflicted and bereavement just makes it a million times worse because that guilt and sense of not belonging seem to be there.
I was a mature student Northwest University since 2023 but it all came to a horrific halt when I was violated by staff and students in 2024 and have since received. bsolutely no support about it from any organisation
Todd and talked injury my one and only pair of glasses which I had ordered online just snapped all of a sudden. Even though I’m incredibly careful with my belongings, especially when it comes to glasses and I’m absolutely distraught because I’m in such a dire financial situation, I can’t even go to the local UPS to send it back to the company because I can’t see in order to get there. In fact, I don’t have anyone I can ask, and whilst this is not the first time I’ve been in such a desperate situation, I’d feel that beyond insulting that I’m still in such a situation where I’m limited by every aspect.
I might not have been happy in my household. Growing up with my mismatched age Gap, ethnic minority and dare. I say pathetic parents but I have a feeling that had I been in a position where my glasses had broken or I didn’t have money they would have been able to somehow even as non-working parents lent me some money or maybe arranged for somebody else to. I don’t know. Take me to the opticians or get me a pair but I’m not in that position. And whilst I have my valid reasons for having left the toxic household, it’s as though I’m being punished for doing the right thing and those who have never gone through anything like a strange mental bereavement seem to be getting more chances to be like. It’s your own fault and tough deal with it whilst they’re literally thriving off privilege. I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I’ve lost all will to live in all honesty and I don’t even want to write with correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and vocabulary. I just want to get my message out there that I’m really struggling and bereavement as part of it. And it’s a horrible, horrible, horrible life. I’m sorry I can’t be more coherence this evening but just wanted to respond them so thank you for responding and hope your weekend is enjoyable
I just wanted to quickly add that being unemployed. Chronically disabled and financially unstable amongst many failures is absolute hell because regardless of how old I get, I’m still somebody’s dwarfed her and imagine how I feel approaching 30 with an absolutely no financial independence. Yes, it was horrible of my parents to bring me into the world when they did not have stability or safety or skills themselves. But I still feel this inherent pressure to make them proud. Even though one of them is not even alive than the other, I don’t even know how whereabouts if she’s alive, dead well unwell and then going. You’re not. I really don’t know and I really don’t care. I just know that I feel this unreasonable pressure too. Not even make them proud but just show to myself and others that even though I came from that background and from those parents and even though they left me absolutely nothing even after they died, not even a penny that I can stand on my own two feet. How am I supposed to prove that when at this age I still don’t have anything. I honestly cannot think of anyone more tragic and failed and then don’t even get me started on what the university did to me exposing my skin diseased half naked undeveloped, ugly hideous body. That’s a visual journalism and storytelling student took of me kept of me and disseminated all without my consent and did not even raise any awareness of the condition Prurigo Nodularis . The university haven’t taken any accountability and I sit here in 24/7 drama whether I’m asleep awake whether it’s night time or daytime, whether I’m indoors or outdoors. Of course, I can’t even go outdoors now because I don’t have glasses to wear but not just that violation. But the accumulation of years of direct hostility and bullying and violation stays with me. When my father was alive, he drove very badly and automatic car for short journeys mostly and that included when I used to go to secondary School. You can imagine having an elderly father and people saying who’s that old man or how old your dad is. He 90 well, in fact he did a die at age 92 but he wasn’t 90 when I was at school. Is a weird sort of comfort and never was that much protection. But I remember when people started poking me and bullying me and all sorts when I would walk into the schoolgate once my dad drove into the school gates to try and sort of ward off those people. But he couldn’t really do much else. At the end of the day he was an old man. He couldn’t exactly get out and beat up these kids. Not that he would ever do that anyway and people laughed at him as well as me. But it was weird because at least when he was alive at least I had him to speak to and give him a hug. And even when life was really hard and even though I argued with my parents everyday and even their life was really bad. At least I could hug him and you know say goodnight. Good morning! Oh you know happy Christmas! Or you know happy birthday or you know even just sitting with him and making a cup of tea. It was such a weird contrast because there were arguments and things being broken and all sorts of chaos in the household in the horrible household in the cluttered household everyday. What there were those moments when I would just sit next to my dad, my elderly dad with his false teeth and his folding head. Unfortunate that he lost a lot of weight in his latter years and he didn’t really speak much to be honest and it was sort of the same mundane routine but he was there. You know sat on that sofa and he also had this like chair that she knows made for people who have leg issues and he had angina and he had a metal kneecap replacement and he had obviously just the issues that come with old age but I suppose it’s very difficult because I I had my own issues as a young millennial being bullied being unemployed, being in hardship and admittedly watch them being much more hardship today than ever before. And whilst I was under their roof I wasn’t struggling this much. It was very difficult for me to be in that household because when all my peers were working and studying and their parents were much younger than mine. I would be trapped in this contrasted household where parents did nothing and dad was really elderly and then my half siblings made everything worse by saying that I should be looking after. My dad and I should be doing the cooking and cleaning and I should be essentially the slave and that I had no value. And bear in mind that my dad had great-grandchildren from his previous wife’s children. My half-siblings and they brought around their spouses and their spouses had children. Obviously they had children they even they had grandchildren. But my dad raised them very differently with freedom and in a western British way and they went to the pub and they drank and you know things like that. It’s horrible because I’m not mixed race. I’m fully Indian so people make these horrible, horrible, horrible stereotypes against me to this day. Even when I did my first and last solo trip with difficulty using the very last of my Student finance I had bold white male people on the plane going delicious. Isn’t she in a sarcastic way and saying these people have nothing. I only went to Rome because my dad used to often quote that Rome wasn’t built in a days" whenever I would obviously talk about you know why I still don’t have a degree. Why I still don’t have a job? Why I don’t have anything and you know I think my dad was just trying to help but I didn’t see it as help. I just saw it as patronising. I don’t understand how I feel so much guilt when I’m not the one responsible for his death and it’s not my fault that my parents brought me into the world without having the foundations in place. I’m sorry if none of this makes sense, but I just need to get it out because journalling about it privately isn’t getting me anywhere and I want to know if there are other people I can relate to who feel these complex emotions because at the end of the day I can’t change who my parents are. I can’t change the fact that he’s dead. I can’t change the fact that I wasn’t there when he was dying and I can’t change the fact that I’m the victim of abuse from my half siblings who made the most awful comments about my appearance and just my value as a human being. Whilst they’re all thriving in high paid jobs and their fancy cars in the regular holidays and God knows whatever else they get out to with their partners and their children. I have never had a partner, I will never have children. I’ve never even been in any sort of romantic or platonic relationship of any kind and yet people in the streets and wherever I go speak of me as though I am some rotten scoundrel who doesn’t even deserve to breathe. I suppose what I’m trying to say in a nutshell is that I’ve been heavily violated and I don’t even have the support of any family. And aren’t family supposed to always be there for you? Why is it that I feel so much anger and then I feel guilt for feeling anger but then the overall emotion is that I just miss my dad and especially since I failed to complete University and I’m still not in any employment. I just think should I have just stayed there and put up with the b******* in the house and maybe my dad would have still been alive? And you know even if it’s nothing more than just the fact that I could have sat next to him watching TV had a cup of tea helped wherever I could, you know and I don’t know like this is very difficult for me to share. Sorry I need to stop now. Thanks. Good night. Have a good weekend everyone