I'm npt coping with bereavement

#1

Hello everyone,

I’m not coping with bereavement at all and I don’t think I ever will do.
Having said that I’ve had quite a good day today one of my better days.
I’ve been out with 2 lovely friends who’ve done so much to help and support me. Another acquaintance phoned me today because she hadn’t seen me for a few days and wanted to make sure I’m ok.

While I’m out with friends it seems as if everything is ok, just as it’s always been .then I come home to an empty house and nothing with ever be normal again. I miss him so much , it still doesn’t seem real.

Thank you to the people who’ve been so kind, you certainly find out who your friends are at a time like this, other people who I thought were friends haven’t been in touch since the service.

J x

#2

I think it can be difficult, sometimes impossible to be certain whether you are ‘coping’ or not.After a year i had a few days when i would cry unbearably and take of to my mothers place on the fly only to become so calm after less than an hour and some days losing myself in a walk , i would pass my mums childhood house and feel nothing but happiness at the site of her childhood home, seemingly by chance.

I always remember that although it is true what is said about time, it is not just the passage of of time that helps ease grief’s hold, it is what you do in that time that makes the difference.

A few suggestions:
Just try to be patient with yourself. You have such good friend around you that seem to be eager to help support you.

Despite being after the 2nd anniversary of my mothers departure, I have started to keep a grief journal to record how i feel at those times. I try to write down exactly how i feel, what i think triggered it off and how long it lasts. This may help you is seeing if your grieving is lessening or increasing.

Try setting aside time each day and/or week to grieve, but finish off my thinking of all the good times and good ways you want to remember your loss.

#3

Hi dale Jackie.

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I lost my dad a year ago and still can’t come to terms with that he has gone. Thank you for your reply the other day . I feel that a year has passed me and I’m still stuck in the same place as I was the day my dad passed. It’s a really tough road dealing with bereavement. That’s is good that you have good friends to talk to. I find talking about my dad too hard. I was on the waiting list for councilling but when it came to it I couldn’t go. Since my dads passing I’ve been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks. I feel that I’m a completely different person now. Just feel lost and just carry on day to day. My dad was my world I miss him so much. Take care x

#4

Hello to you all,

I am just coming up to the second anniversary of my Mum’s passing and like the three of you I find some days very hard still. Other days I do find some happiness but come thumping back down to earth again all too quickly.

DaleJackie, I agree having good friends can make all the difference. I have learned that even if I don’t want to go out particularly to just go along and say I am not feeling brilliant so people understand if I am a bit quiet. Having people kind enough to bother with me an wanting to see me is not something I want to lose. Like you I have found some people have just faded away. One friend of 25 years I have lost touch with completely. Other vague acquaintances from 2 years ago are now close friends.

Greyone, I agree walking is a great comfort and chance to think. I try to have even a brief walk everyday to clear my head, also for exercise. Thank you for the idea of a Grief Journal which I will do as well. Finding what triggers off the pain would be a help to me. I started a Memories of Mum journal following a suggestion on this site which I also find helpful. When the day feels too dark and awful reading and tremembering happy times together with Mum and my Dad seems to help.

Joey, i too feel I am a different person and am sorry you are experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. I had those a number of years ago for work related stress and did see my doctor in the end. I was Given the weakest dose of antidepressants going which I hated taking but they did work and I was off them within two months so worth considering.

As a child I was painfully shy and fought for years to overcome this. Since losing my Mum I have found it has come back. Have others found this too? I moved house last year and am finding it quite hard to get to know people as dry up with conversation when I meet anyone new. Quite nice being in my own little bubble but not really good as would like to be part of my community.

Will stop now as this is turning into an essay!

Mel.

#5

Hi Mel

I was a real pleasure to read your reply. I’m prone to create extensive texts as well

As part of my journey, i feel the need to express and develop my thoughts so i admire what you write so much.

I create a memories of mum photo album during my mum’s final year. I used to visit her places and take photographs and talk to her about them. She could not really see them but it was obvious through he animation and reminiscence that she enjoyed that. And out of it i got an album of pictures to look back on.

Since my mum died , I’ve taken up walking just as she used to do, in the countryside areas and cycle ways near where we used to live as a family. I’m also creating a new photo album of my third year after her passing.

Good luck on your journey and i look forward to bumping into you again.

#6

I can relate to you I was diagnosed with anxiety in my early 20s, and managed this for years in medicated. Since my nana passed last year, it has really flared up. To the point where I feel I’m a shadow of my former self, I isolated myself from friends, and feel like I’m just lost

#7

I don’t think any of us know what coping is. We all have our own ways of getting through the day. Some days are better than others but at the end of each day I say to myself “You’ve done well today”. You know how much better you feel when your friends and family encourage you, so encourage yourself!
You ARE doing well. You are strong and you have support. Accept that your life must be different but you can make it good for yourself. I send my love and my good wishes for your new future.

#8

Hi Mel, i find it interesting to hear how other people have turned out and i find myself ‘lining’ myself up for the rest of my life. For me i think the loss has resolved unknown personal and family issues. Maybe your shyness is something you can explore and turn to your advantage.

I have found my grief journal useful because it tells me a lot about how i feel at the time. One cure i have is to talk things through with my Teddy Bear and he means more to me now because mum looked after him for me through my troublesome teens and until she went into her home. Some of my triggers for grief appear to be loneliness, Anxiety and doubt. I hope you find yours useful.

#9

I’m not sure coping is the right word really - we survive, just survive. It’s sink or swim and so we swim. But as all seems calm above the surface, beneath we’re paddling like crazy. Big hug to you dalejackie. Cx