My brother died suddenly and unexpected last August . Its been a nightmare . He was found collapsed at home he was single. We never got a reason , natural causes was given in January but no actual cause . He was 44 , my mum only just got death cert sorted recently . Ive been the main support to mum but its been so hard on me , she lost my other brother aged 10 back in 91 , its so hard seeing her go through this again . Im feeling battered emotionally and have days where I feel depressed , which isnt me Ive never suffered like this . I feel so low as I last saw him over 5 months before he died, yet up until 13 years ago we were so close , we saw each other less and less due to his depression. We always had a twin like bond despite me being older . I feel I should feel better as time goes on not worse .
Sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I know how this feels. My older brother died at 34, unexpectedly and it’s nearly been a year. The whole thing is still pending investigations and an inquest.
I remember having to make a choice early on, that I either fall into some sort of deep depression or must try and continue with life, but must allow myself to grieve when I need to. I forced myself to stay in touch with friends and eventually day by day, I tried to get some disconnect from the full blown grief even if just momentarily. Even if I hated seeing people, I forced myself to do it at intervals - it took a lot of effort. Unfortunately my work situation made me want to retreat from people after, despite the struggle of trying to stay connected, but I used time alone to sit with myself, to cry when I needed to, to write letters to my late brother, to speak to him and to think about how to connect more to myself, which I felt like I lost.
I’d never dealt with something so painful before. He was my first ever friend and it was always him and I when we were younger.
All I can say to you, is even if it doesn’t seem possible, try to take moments to disconnect, to be with others, to not let it completely consume you and if you cannot disconnect or are struggling, then maybe speaking to a professional may help.
I still have moments where the feelings are very intense and I feel like I’m going to explode. I don’t know when that gets easier, but it’s certainly less frequent than it was. The fact this is so painful highlights the level of love we had for our brothers. I don’t know what you’re feeling re the not really speaking or seeing him at the time of his death, again I had a similar issue and the guilt did and does eat me up, but try to remember you’re human too and you matter, your life matters and you couldn’t have known this would happen. You are not responsible for other peoples lives. Unfortunately someone else’s depression amongst other things can be very difficult to deal with (depending on the circumstances). Sometimes I go to his grave and just pray for him and sit and have a chat, it helps me.
I think to myself, if others can live with such a profound loss, then I surely can, but in terms of grieving, we all have our own ways of doing that and the main thing is not locking it up inside. We need to be able to express and also to be kinder to ourselves 
I’m not sure if my comment helped at all, if not I’m sorry, but honestly I am giving you a virtual hug right now and I hope it becomes more manageable for you.
Thank you for your reply and yes it has helped. I feel I have been regretting not seeing him as much , but I need to let this go. I will write a letter to him , thats a great idea and will help me unload feelings. Im so sorry for your loss too its so hard for us that are left behind . My mum had my other brothers plaque removed , to add his name and info as he was laid to rest behind our younger brother. My mum told me its only just been returned so I can go . I joined here yesterday after my mum getting things he had wrote back from police st . I called her last night and she was a mess , felt so angry and helpless . I still cant understand why they gave them her , its like we have been put back to where we were 6 months ago . We got through that time so I know we can get through this . I had to remind her he did not die that way and had reached out to a support group to help himself . This made me realise I needed this . Im thankful for your words which I know must of been hard for you . We just need to remind ourselves of our strength, we have got this far right ? One of the papers my mum got was from his support group . He was listing plans for when he felt low and what he could do , what made him feel worthwhile. In an odd way this could of been sent to help us , I may suggest to my mum as well to write things down . I do hope as time goes by things get easier , for you too . I thought about grief support for a while, so in an odd way what happened yesterday is a blessing really .
Hello Lolaberry
I feel every bit of your pain with also losing my brother who was 44 too nearly 14 months ago and really every day since I have felt bewildered. Your story seems similar to mine, I really don’t know what we can do to feel better other than keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to be grateful I am still here and can honour his beautiful, vibrant personality and life that he had. He was truly loved and I can tell you loved your brother so much too from your heartfelt words.
I hope you can find some strength, my thoughts are with you.
Thank you much for your reply , Ive not been on here for a while . Im sorry for your loss and appreciate your words. Im trying to do more of what makes me happy , to honour my brother Ive decided to have more fun and live better.