Today I’ve had Martin’s brother, sister in law and his Dad down for a visit. Martin’s brother Andrew was here with me when Martin died but was taken seriously ill a few days later and couldn’t come to the funeral. Today was the first time he’d been well enough to travel this far so it’s the first time I’ve seen him since August when Martin died. Although we all talked about Martin, as I do with everyone, and I’m pleased Andrew is feeling better i just feel emotionally drained now. I slept for over 3 hours after they left and now I can’t stop crying again. I feel horrible for thinking this but I looked at Andrew, 74 who has been so ill but survived, his wife, 67 who had cancer and survived, his Dad is 101, had cancer and survived but Martin, 67 had cancer and now he’s gone. It just doesn’t seem fair tonight. I also lost both my parents to cancer. I’ve lost all my siblings and we didn’t have children. I feel so alone tonight. I just wish I was with Martin. Everyone says I’m coping really well and should feel proud that I looked after Martin at home, right to the end but I just feel completely lost. Seeing Andrew and Dad today made it feel like Martin died yesterday instead of nearly 4 months ago. I’m having Martins ashes interred in the churchyard and I’m being buried over them when I go but because Andrew couldn’t come to the funeral I promised I wouldn’t do the ashes until he could be there. That will now have to be in the spring so I’ve also got to get passed Martin being on a shelf at the undertakers for Christmas and that’s hard too. It’s just getting to me tonight.
Sorry for going on but I’m struggling and needed to get it out before trying to sleep.
Could you not take Martins ashes home with you, if my husband had wanted cremated he would have been home with me until I passed and we would both be buried together but he wanted buried so i didn’t get to keep him with me xxx
Thats what my mum did with my dad and his ashes sat on a shelf by her chair for 2 yrs and when she passed dad’s ashes went in the coffin at her feet xx
So sorry you’ve had a difficult day. Grief is so exhausting. Could you face bringing Martin’s ashes home? At least you will be together at Christmas. You looked after him in life and you would be looking after him still in death until his ashes are interred.
I hope you have a more peaceful day today xx
It doesn’t seem fair, those that die and those that survive. My husband who was always active and very fit got sepsis and died in 24 hours aged 66. My brother in law who has had 2 strokes and has dementia got sepsis and survived. I see all these couples who have each other in their old age and don’t understand why they get to do that and we didn’t. I see all these people that haven’t looked after themselves, overweight, smoking, and they are fine. We did everything right and still he was taken from me. He always said he wouldn’t have a long life and I said I wouldn’t let him go. But go he did, and left me with possibly many years without him. But he went quickly and unexpectedly and although I am fit and healthy I now know that counts for nothing. I know I shouldn’t feel jealous of those who get to enjoy their old age together, but I do.
This is just the place for you to vent after a bad day. I too have not had a good day, but tomorrow may be completely different, let’s hope so.
I’ve thought long and hard about bringing Martins ashes home but I just can’t do it. This is why his ashes were being interred where I will be buried, so they didn’t come here but neither did they sit on a shelf at the undertakers. I feel awful for not bringing him home but I know I wouldn’t cope.
Kaytoo you mustn’t feel awful. You must do what is right for you. I am sure Martin would be happy to go along with whatever decision you make. We are all hurting so much without making ourselves feel awful about other things too. Sending love and strength xx
You should’t feel awful we all deal with things differently, we are only human after all and not one size fits all!
You do what feels right for you & your Martin and never feel bad about it.
Take care sending a huge virtual hug for you xxx
Kaytoo, completely understandable reaction. You were exhausted from the emotional visit, drained and needed to let those tears out. It is okay. Of course you think it so unfair that family are alive and he’s gone - because it is. None of it is fair.
You are okay. Normal response. I hope you feel better for crying and get a good night’s rest.
Much love
I feel the same way Debsie 1, jealous of the many, much older, unfit couples still around when my active, capable husband with so much more to give has been taken away in spite of doing all the right things to keep fit and well.
Its a normal reaction, I feel the same when I see elderly couples out and about and I think why did we not get to that age together, I don’t know what fate has in store for me I might go before I reach their age too, its not fair its just our lot and nothing we can do about it, you will go mad if you fixate on the why’s and what if’s ! My father in law whom I adored died at 54 (had a heart condition diagnosed in his 30’s) , my gran was knocked down and died in hospital 2 wks later she never regained consciousness she was 62 my mother in law died also age 62 from a heart attack, when my husband got the news chemo wasn’t working first thing he said was at least I lived longer than my mum & dad, he was 68 xxx