Immense guilt.wracked with self loathing

Was not mentally strong enough to be at my beloved daughters bedside.should have been there to say goodbye,and help heron her journeys end.I was too afraid .hate myself for not been able to summon up the courage I needed to have for her .instead she died in a hospital room with no family there.I did try but just couldn’t look at her it was excruciating.can anyone identify with this.

Hello Annette - i certainly identify with the “I should have done” and “I wish I had have done” thoughts. You say you hate yourself for being unable to summon up courage to be with your daughter but that was not because you didn’t care it was because you cared very dearly and seeing her in pain was beyond distressing for you. Possibly there was immense fear as well, both of the unknown and of an outcome we are unable to acknowledge. But what about all the caring you did for her throughout her illness whilst also helping your granddaughter. Not ‘being there’ doesn’t cancel out all your love given throughout her illness. A caring GP should be able to get you some professional and qualified counselling to help with your thoughts as maybe a Cruse volunteer is just not skilled enough. Take care Annette.

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Thankyou Tina for your reply.I do go to bereavement counselling once a month.can’t really quantify if it helps at all.but yet if I didn’t attend things maybe could be a lot worse.how are you ?Annette.xxx

Hello Annette. I think our time frames are similar aren’t they - October. Although it’s 6 months I feel still in the immediate period after and family don’t understand that. The first time I went out alone was 6 months after he passed away. So I have not been dealing with things that well. Cruse declined my request to resume counselling as it had been mutually postponed for a few months. The counsellor declined because I seemed negative on the two previous occasions, I had only had two sessions. NHS counselling hasn’t took place yet. I commend you for getting stuck in with your counselling sessions, I can imagine it’s not easy but it’s good to be getting things out of your system. Keep looking after yourself Annette.

Hello again Tina.yes October apart from my disbelief sorrow and melancholia and anger.I had already lost both my parents in this month.which I find kinda spooky.my dad died in October 2009 then my mum in October 2012.seems odd.to tell the truth I only attend because its just at the end of the street where I live so its convenient.also with the way I feel any support is better than none.I am under physchatric care.I didn’t want to live without my girl.but I have to for Gabriella’s sake.I can’t let her down she now has only me no mother or father now.the NHS is really bad isn’t the NHS killed my girl .she died through a misdiagnosis.I also am no better over six months down the line I have guilt it should have been me that died my girl was only 46 whereas I am sixty six.just not right Tina.I hopo you are able to receive some kind of therapy soon and I send you all my compassion its very hard isn’t .at times I just want to curl up and die…annettexxxx.

Hello again Tina.yes October apart from my disbelief sorrow and melancholia and anger.I had already lost both my parents in this month.which I find kinda spooky.my dad died in October 2009 then my mum in October 2012.seems odd.to tell the truth I only attend because its just at the end of the street where I live so its convenient.also with the way I feel any support is better than none.I am under physchatric care.I didn’t want to live without my girl.but I have to for Gabriella’s sake.I can’t let her down she now has only me no mother or father now.the NHS is really bad isn’t the NHS killed my girl .she died through a misdiagnosis.I also am no better over six months down the line I have guilt it should have been me that died my girl was only 46 whereas I am sixty six.just not right Tina.I hopo you are able to receive some kind of therapy soon and I send you all my compassion its very hard isn’t .at times I just want to curl up and die…annettexxxx.

Thanks for sending your compassion and best wishes, I sincerely wish you the same.

How old is your Granddaughter? My Granddaughter is 5. She was 4 when her Mummy passed away. Although we are heartbroken, we are compelled to carry on, to help her as long as we are able. She has so much to face as time goes on and I only hope I can be there for her. Life is so difficult and does not resemble our life before our devastating loss. It now feels like an existence. The solace is our Granddaughter and another Grandson who was born soon after his auntie passed away, she didn’t get to meet him. Some days I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s a different life and its a struggle to understand anything. I understand your disbelief, sorrow, anger and pain.

Hi bir89c.thanks for your reply.my granddaughter is nineteen just on the threshold of life.in our situation we only have one another.we do not have any other family.I have woken early today engulfed with sorrow.quite honestly reviewing everything and don’t know if I’m going to make it!.I am sorry I don’t wish to make anyone feel more despondent than they already are.I love my granddaughter who lives with me.but also feel that my daughter is waiting for me .I don’t see or feel any light for me in this black tunnel.sorry for being disheartening.I wish you and your dear granddaughter the very best hugs to you.Annette.xxx

Hello Annette, I completely understand going over and over things time and time again. It is like torture and makes us angry. We are looking for answers but there aren’t any. The worst times are in the morning when I wake up and the realisation hits me that I’m never going to see my daughter again. Also at nightime, laying in bed thinking about everything and crying. There isn’t anything that I can change now which is frustrating in itself. I can only put any energy I have into focusing on my family, mainly my Granddaughter who needs me as your Granddaughter needs you and it’s something for you to focus on. It hurts so much because we have invested all our love into our daughters. The agony is so hard to describe to ourselves never mind anyone else. Keep posting, it does help to keep thrashing it out.

To bir89c thanks for replying.today as been a very very bad day for me.excruciating in fact.this nightmare is so hard to endure isn’t.most of the time I worry that I won’t make it!do you feel like this?my dearest darling is buried in the isle of wight.in a natural buried ground.I visit her as often as I can.I have bought her a large Buddha to put at the top of her resting place.will take it when I next visit her.visiting her is very hard for me.I have to summon all my fortitude .I sometimes feel like its a surreal very bad dream.do you feel like this.I don’t have any family only my granddaughter.so I also worry for her because when I go she will have no one.but its a comfort just talking with you hope your okay.hugs Annette.

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