In a big dark hole since losing my mum

Coping with bereavement
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I lost my mum in Sept 22. I feel like my life has ended too. She was my everything and I feel so lost and alone without her. She went into hospital mid May and passed away at the beginning of September after going into rehab in a care home. She was 79. I feel responsible for her death as I have her my cold, this turned into pneumonia, her INR with taking warfarin went through the roof, the hospital missed a large stomach bleed, she never really recovered. She got Covid, had heart issues, had a diabetic ulcer, got bad delirium and was unhappy and depressed, all she wanted to do was come home which I was working on, they wouldn’t allow it without care plan. She went to the hospital alone with high INR, I thought my sister was with her, instead she was out getting drunk. The last time she left her house was alone. I was furious when I got to the hospital as she told me she was scared so I feel guilty for that and for making her ill. I lost my temper with her one day in the care home with her having dilirium too and had to take a break for 2 days after spending every day for months going to the hospital and care home and working full time. The guilt of her going into hospital alone, losing my temper and walking out taking a break, and her last moment being alone(she had a seizure in the care home and never regained consciousness; they rushed her to A&E, I immediately went from work and didn’t leave her side for 3 weeks until she passed away) is killing me. The fact she suffered so much and was so so unhappy and depressed is killing me and that alone with the pain of missing her is unbearable. I feel like I can’t breath or go on most days because of the guilt and pain of missing her combined. I have nightmares about it. I am trying to carry on with work and life but it hits me a million times a day. I can’t stop feeling the guilt or stop thinking about how she suffered. I miss her so much, words cannot explain. I’m seeing a councillor but don’t seem to be feeling better, how can I forgive myself and rid myself of the guilt? How can I forget her pain?? How does anyone ever get through this???

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Hello @Lisa892,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

You might also want to look at Losing a parent.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

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Hi @Lisa892
Im so sorry for the loss of your mum. A lot of what you have gone through unfortunately is very similar to my mams experience, so I know where you’re coming from. Is there any way you could have some time off work, I’m only just thinking of going back after nearly 3 months. The thing is you need time to grieve and work things out in your head but it takes time. You may have physical and emotional pain that needs working on. Guilt is a massive part of grieving which you’ll find out by reading other people’s stories on here.
Keep posting as you’ll find it helpful and just talk one day at a time, it will get better but you can’t rush through it and try not to fight with it, its a process. And remember your mum will always be with you :heart: I hope this just gives you a little bit of comfort.
Wishing you all the strength you need at this sad time :people_hugging:

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Thank you. I think will be grieving forever, I miss her so much. What I wouldn’t give for one more day with her

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