You may all want to not read this. It will sound like a rant but is very much how I feel.
What have I learnt since Paula died? You are on your own mate, get on with it.
People will say the obligatory ‘so sorry..’ followed by ‘you need to talk to someone (but please not me).
Look for support to find there is zero face to face support. Unless you are prepared to pay £60 an hour. There are helplines and forums. Just to make you feel more disconnected/isolated. (That said this forum has been a lifeline).
Don’t expect family to rally round. The sound of silence has been deafening.
The words ‘we are there for you’ from your employer. But don’t expect paid compassionate leave. Having used up most of my annual leave to be at my partners bedside. Minimum wage, minimum hours. Unpaid compassionate leave isn’t compassionate.
The phone never rings, no one messages.
That’s the reality. Now to put on a fake smile and go to work. Because if I say this out loud to anyone then I will be told I need to talk to someone.
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Hello Twoflower, you can definitely say whatever is on your mind here, ..I understand what you’re feeling, from my experience even well meaning people don’t realize that they hurt you, by that I mean they talk about their plans with their loved ones, vacations and dinners, and that for me hurts, because the only person I want to be able to do those things with is my husband and I can’t. 
, ..I know what you’re saying, people need to be more compassionate, they don’t realize how deep the sorrow is we carry every day….
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Morning @Twoflower
I think a lot will understand how you’re feeling and will have experienced the same thing at some point. People don’t understand how hurtful they can be . You vent your feelings on here , I hope the day gets better for you and you are coping in the heat .
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Good morning Twoflower I am sorry you are suffering. I understand that it’s lonely I spend my day on my own and if I do speak to someone I never mention my pain. I know the only solution to not becoming a hermit is to get out and force myself to make new friends. Have you tried any of these walking with grief groups. Maybe finding people who are suffering like you could be a way of helping eachother.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
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I feel you. I feel your pain and that is is exactly why I’ve come to this page. It’s not because I have no one to talk to, I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want them to see me broken inside and I sure can’t release this emotion I’ve been building up for 8 months now. There are no face to face “free” services. Cruze has been the only help so far and even that was a group call. I don’t know how to let go.
I feel you completely. Workplaces need to have more support in these circumstances. I am lucky in that respect but I know others have nothing. Maybe a couple of days…
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I’m sorry Twoflower you are feeling like this. I honestly can’t believe how many people at my husbands funeral said phone anytime, if ever you need help just call. I’ve not heard from any of them and the ones I have called have had an excuse. Even my oldest friend.
I’m lucky I have a sister and my kids I can count on but they don’t want doom and gloom so put on a happy face.
That’s why this group has helped me so much, we can be honest here. Reading other posts of how people have coped gives me hope. One day soon I’m going to try the walking groups, talking tables or university of the third age. Your right in that it’s all down to us now, we have to work towards some kind of new life.
I hope your day has gone okay x
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Thanks for the replies.
I’m exhausted, heat isn’t helping, getting grumpy and feeling sorry for myself.
Just need to accept this is how things are and get on with it.
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You are NOT feeling sorry for yourself. You are grieving. I will nurture that of you and sit alongside yourself in grief
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Twoflower, I know exactly what you mean. The heat seems to be making things worse. I can’t talk to anyone, because even if anyone was prepared to listen, if I try to talk about my husband I just can’t without crying and I hate people to see me like that.
Whenever I’ve been upset in the last 35 years my husband would just give me one of his big bear hugs, even when he was really ill and it always helped. It was always me and him against the world. We were supposedly so wrong for each other … but so right.
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