It’s been 21 months since my husband died, I’ve posted before about how it was sudden and how he’d only had 15 months to enjoy being retired etc. It still feels new to me, each day I feel devastated but my family think it’s time I moved on and stop “being weepy” - my daughter’s comment. My son doesn’t want to talk about his father, which is his way of coping. I do have a good friend who’s been widowed, but she’s made a new life for herself and makes me feel pathetic as I’m so stuck in the past. I’ve tried to seem like I’m coping for my family and since my darling died I’ve moved back to the city and have just had knee replacement surgery because my children want me to get fit. I moved from our dream retirement home back to the city ‘to be able to get help etc’ instead of being isolated in the countryside.
What I’ve actually done is swapped one isolation for another. When my husband died I lost who I was as well as losing him. I used to be a confident, happy person who made my own decisions and was so glad to share my husband’s enthusiasm for our new life in the countryside. I’m now in a prison of my own making, pretending that I’m ok. The thought that this is how it will be for the rest of my life is unbearable. Moving house was ‘the sensible thing to do’, but it feels like I’ve betrayed my husband. I am supposed to have surgery on my other knee in a couple of months but I really can’t see the point of it. Every day is a huge effort and the thought that this could carry on for years is frightening.
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Hello, your still in the relatively early of grief & I think the shock can have an effect for a long time even if the death was expected.
In respect of moving, it was sensible, I’m sure your husband would see that, it’s not a good idea to be in the countryside alone.
You recognise I think that there is only you who can change things, you could forge ahead in your husbands memory, small steps at first, go to the library & ask about clubs in the area? Pick a day & go to a cafe & treat yourself to lunch? Get your hair done once a month? Get a Cat? Knit or cross stitch?
We can’t go back to the life we had so we need to be brave, if we don’t we stagnate living in the past which just lets depression sets in, our loved ones would love to be living live your life for both of you, i know thats easier said then done so one step at a time, the good thing is you recognise how your living isn’t what you want or deserve.
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Dear @JanieM
My heart goes out to you. I understand so many of your feelings.
Its 19 months for me next Sunday.
Life is horrible.
I get on, I go to work, I take our two dogs walking, I visit the pub for an hour where we always went together everyday. My husband was very poorly for quite a few years. I looked after him on my own, while still working , and going to the pub was his get out of the house for an hour, and my sit down for an hour. The young bar staff were always so lovely and caring…before , through, and after lockdowns!!
I’m still cared for my the landlord and staff, with a table reserved every day with a tribute to my husband , on the wall behind us.
It’s very special, but doesn’t make it any less lonely.
I still cry, and I’m sad all the time. And lonely , very lonely, even when I’m with others.
No one I know understands, or wants to understand that.
Lots of love, hugs and strength to you
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Hi both, it was so good of you to reply. There is no easy way dealing with the loss of our partners, which is the truth of it and a reason why this forum is so good.
My son and daughter have been so supportive, but getting over an operation has made me realise quite how lonely I am. I’ve just had a total knee replacement, which I’ve needed for years. After a couple of days I was on my own, apart from brief visits from family and a good friend. I know my husband would have been encouraging me and looking after me with so many little acts of kindness. Dealing with pain alone is so hard, trying to do ordinary things like doing the washing becomes almost impossible - I know this is a temporary thing and that eventually I’ll feel the benefits of the operation, but at the moment it makes me realise again and again what I’ve lost.
I’m due to get the other knee fixed in about 8 weeks, which I’m dreading. It’s good to get in touch with you because I know you understand what losing a partner is really like. Our families don’t understand how deep our grief is and how small difficulties can appear impossible to deal with. I try to remember how pleased my husband would have been that I am getting my knees done at last, but when I’m trying to use a walking stick to drag the washing from the back of the washing machine or get heavy deliveries over the doorstep it’s hard to remain positive.
Reading back over this post I realise I sound like a real wimp. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, I have a family that cares about me, I’m financially secure and have a lovely, modern house. But I would give it all up in a heartbeat to have my husband back, which goes for us all I’m sure. So anyway, thank you for your messages of support and understanding. They mean a lot, I’m sending you hugs and good wishes. Bless you both x
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Dear @JanieM
YOU ARE NOT A WIMP!!!
Bless you for having to deal with knee surgery alone. These are all the things that are so difficult without our soulmates.
And all the little things, everything we did with ease before seem so hard now.
Everything is so exhausting isn’t it.
It’s 19 months today for me. No idea how that is possible. So long and so short all at the same time.
I’m going to go out now to visit the tree I had planted for my husband at the memorial gardens of the crematorium.
I took my parents yesterday for them to see it for the first time. (They live over 100 miles away, and had been on a short break nearby for my mum’s birthday, so came to see me on their way home)
I do appreciate they are old, and it had started drizzling , but my dad could only be bothered to stay at the tree for less than 2 mins, so I had to leave too.
It felt so insensitive, and I was really, really upset. But they are my parents, and in the end it would only have upset me more to actually say what was I thinking!!!
(I often feel cheated that they still have each other, and it’s me, their daughter who is the widow 
)
Like you said this forum is amazing , because we are able to say what we are feeling without fear of being judged.
Thank you everyone.
Love hugs and strength to you all
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Dear Cath, from what you’re going through I think we have a lot in common.
Although my parents are now dead, we’d bought a big house together after my father had a stroke so we could help look after him. At the time we all agreed that if it didn’t work out we’d sell up and get our own places. Initially it worked ok - the house was already split into 2 flats so we had our own space and could help. After my father died we wanted to move to the countryside, but my mother kept saying we’d have plenty of time after she was gone. Well in the end we had only 15 months following my husband’s dream before he had a massive heart attack. I do feel bitter that it was such a short time and look back at my parents who had quite a few years of happy retirement doing what they wanted. Like you, I feel bitter and envious that they had so much more than me. It’s hard to deal with thoughtlessness and even selfish attitudes from our own parents.
I can see why you couldn’t say anything about how little time your parents spent at your memorial tree, because I felt unable to do anything about my father-in-law’s behaviour. When my husband died, my father-in-law started saying he wasn’t coming to his son’s funeral - other family members intervened and eventually persuaded him to come, but I can’t tell you how upsetting it was at the time.
Well I suppose we have to deal with these thoughtless and hurtful things and try and protect ourselves. It’s not easy, but being able to talk here does help. You get to know who you can rely on quite quickly. It’s been 21 months since my husband died and it still feels as if it was only a few weeks ago. I’m not sure we will ever ‘get over’ our loss though it’s what family and friends want us to do. I am thankful we can be open and honest here because we understand the hell we’re all going through.
I think I’d better stop wittering on. Thank you again for your kind words. Sending hugs and good wishes to you, Janie x
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Dear Janie
Thank you for your reply.
We all have lots to negotiate through this long and windy road we have to tread.
It really is of comfort , when others on here can understand our muddled thoughts.
Love, hugs and strength for another day on that road
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