In a really dark place

First Christmas without mum.Not knowing whether to celebrate or not. Just want to hide away and not come back out till March.Its taking everything In me to keep fighting tried to take my own the life the other day only got to three ibroprofen probably because i didnt want to die but didnt want to be here either. I couldn’t take anymore and wanted to be with my mum.I have a 9 year old son who would be devastated if he lost me but the battle is still so hard.

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Dear starheart

I’m so sorry you are struggling with your loss. Yes your little boy would be devastated if something happened to you. I know it is very hard to stay focussed on everyday living especially when the pain is so bad.
Can you find the strength to seek help, get some support from your doctor maybe. Nobody expects you to deal with this on your own.
Reach out to the Samaritans if you find yourself in need to talk to some one, especially in that really dark moment.
Keep posting on here. Let us try and support you.
We can listen.

We understand how you are feeling. Remember your son needs you.

I wish I could do more for you.

Dee xx

Hi Starheart I hear you. I lost my Dad this year and my mum two years ago. I am in a dark place too. I have a 12 and 13 year old and I only carry on for them.

I figure I would rather carry the pain than them have to miss their grandparents as well as their mum.

You can get through it, we must carry on, fight the good fight. Embrace the darkness you will find the light. The pain is so great because the love was so great and the loss is harder.

What advice would you give your son if he were in the same situation? I wouldn’t want my kids to be unhappy, ever, and neither would your mum. Celebrate your mums life, celebrate your life and your sons life, love will carry you through.

I am always here to talk to, day or night!

Sending love and light xxxx

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Thank you.Just going through a lot right now.My ex has my son and is abusive and I can’t look after my son so life feels pointless.I have support though.Thank you.

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Hi Starheart, sorry to hear you are in a bad place at the moment. I lost my husband of 37 years in September and lost both my parents several years ago.

You have to know that there are people out there that have been in the same position as you and care. I’m sure, deep down you wouldn’t want to put your son in the position of grieving for you too as you know how painful it is. Reach out to talk and get support when you need it as talking to others that have been through it really helps. Big hugs. Sandra xx

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Hiya, it’s Christine. I completely understand. Losing my mam making me feel so empty. There’s no point in doing anything because she’s not here. Absolutely destroyed. I’ve been visiting her in the chapel of rest. Shocked at first because she doesn’t like like herself. But through the tears her old self starting returning. I realise I only have tomorrow to say goodbye before the crem. I won’t be able to visit her again. She looks like a china doll in a box, the ones I collected as a child. My dad thinks we should share mam’s ashes so we can all create a space in which to sit with her. So I will create a fairy dell by the pond in the shade of the huge trees at the top of my garden. I’ll fill it with fairies and she’ll be delighted. It will be a glorious summer garden in full bloom with spring bulbs, capturing the essence of her old garden. It has given me hope and I want to get out there now to make a start. I’ll do it after the service. I felt totally lost and could not imagine feeling anything less than wanting to join her. She is my everything and I cannot imagine my world continuing. Until now. Would that be something you would try to create a space in your everyday world in which to share your mam. It doesn’t have to be huge. Think of things she liked. Fairy lights around a tree is lovely. A little potted plant. You could paint pictures for the space or paint onto the tree trunk. Add jewelery or make flower garlands with artificial ones (the pound shop usually has some good ones). Write her little notes, letters or just a word on a page. It’s a place to create a window, a peaceful retreat where you can talk. A garden or field nearby. The woods is a good one. People say woods are Gods natural cathedral. If that was something she enjoyed. I can’t face anything about xmas (not the tree, lights, decorations, the presents, food, tv , chatting to family or visiting). I cannot celebrate without my mam being in this world. So I will start to create a place in which to worship her. Candles and feathers and words. Doesn’t matter where it is as long as you feel connected to that space. Your son would also enjoy helping and making it his own if he visits you. I have been absolutely destroyed and engulfed by grief, beyond what I could possibly imagine. My dad suggested my garden because he knows I can go there every day and sit with her. It might be wonderful. It might not help me at all. But it’s worth a try because I will have created it for her. I just wanted to climb into her coffin today and will feel the same tomorrow. After Friday she will be totally gone. I just don’t know how people carry on in life because that’s what people say you should do. I’m going to try this and imagine how happy my mam would be. I’ll make my own cross and buy some fairies for her for xmas. I’ll create a little slice of paradise and she might visit me and want to stay and never leave. Just think about it and what you could build for your mam. Let me know. I have to go out tomorrow (final arrangements and the chapel but I’ll be back and will get back to you by tomorrow evening. We can think up some ideas. People do say getting outside in the fresh air helps. I’m agoraphobic with anxiety and panic so that is a hard one for me. But I’ll give it a go for mam. She’ll love what I’m going to create. Sending you love, Christine xxx (I know that dark place where you go to. You have to trust it can get better even if you don’t believe it. Try it. Come into the light. Spirituality has so many different forms and whatever you believe or try could lead you onto a new path. My mam liked going to church and I went when I was little but stopped going. I want to try again, to sit in the place she would have sat and absorb the stillness and search for her. I hope I feel her presence. For me I will try to balance the blackness and gaping hole inside of myself with action - what would mam do, want, like… Try different things and you might find something. People connect in different ways and are changed by experiences, good and bad. I have endured horrific things. I have ptsd because of it. Losing my mam is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me, ever, in this whole world. I don’t want to wait to be with her, to be treading water for the next 25 years. But I see now that I could make my life better through my connection to her, what she liked and who she was. Even if it’s a stepping stone onto a new path. Please don’t leave your son. You are his mam and nothing can replace you. You are everything to him, even if he doesn’t know it. Find strength in yourself for him in order to get through this bit in order to move forward. Contact me. Be thinking of you which is strange considering I couldn’t relate to anything or anybody outside of my need for my mam to have not died. xxx

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I sat in a beautiful, very old church and felt nothing, no connection to mam or to anything else. I didn’t find peace like I thought I would but when I left I did feel a little lighter. I will try other churches and will still do my memory tree (need to get a tree first!). I’m sure my mam visited me tonight when I was singing the lyrics to songs from the church service and crem (posting on her memory page) because I could smell the candle from the chapel of rest, even through my blocked nose. I believe she was sitting with me. I even turned around and asked if she was there. I’ve been told not to look for signs but I believe she was with me. I hope you are as well as you can be. This really is the biggest emotional rollercoaster in the world. Thinking of you with love xxx

My mother use to collect rocks for her garden.It was one of her weird things she did but now I’ve been collecting stones rather than rocks to make a memorial in my garden for her.

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That’s lovely. You could create colour with nail polish , arrange the stones to create a path (though you would need quite a lot!), add beads and jewels. My dad loved collecting stones from the garden and polishing them. You could try hanging them from a tree by drilling a small hole. Such a lovely thing. Isn’t there an ancient mystical connection with the earth through stones? Did you see my post about my mam sitting with me? I sensed her presence and smelt the candle from the chapel of rest. Still doesn’t seem real that I’ll never see her again. I wonder where she is now and whether she’ll be reincarnated. Tried explaining that to my 8 year old nephew and I think I frightened him a bit. He made a grandma angel for his tree when I sat in church. I was always an angel in the school play. Mam made wonderful costumes for us all. She taught me everything I know about sewing and craft. I love her patience and kindness and generosity of spirit. I wish I was more like her. It’s so unfair she isn’t here to do those things with the grand children. She’s laughing and smiling from the photo next to my bed. I’m not crying any more. Think I’m exhausted. x

Thank you everyone for your support. In a better place now. I hope you all have a good Christmas even though its going to be extremely difficult and heartbreaking and the sadness will be on another level. Im just thinking about what my mother would say to me. She’d say she wouldnt want me to be stuck in grief she would want me to try and give my son a good Christmas.
Haven’t seen my son since the end of November or even spoken to him. His dad just put two much stress on me and I needed a break. He makes my mental health worse so I haven’t had it in me to fight back. Today will be the first time I’ve spoken to my son in over a month.I had to put him first which made me ill because if I don’t look after myself first I can’t be a good mother.

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It’s so hard to look after yourself when you are overwhelmed by heartbreak. I totally understand about pressure. It makes my anxiety escalate quickly to panic. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t spend time with mam without being stressed, even though she understood. Little children can be more perceptive and understanding than we realise. My nephew made an angel wearing glasses. It was his grandma and I was so sad I didn’t even realise. It’s easy telling others to take care of themselves when it’s so hard to do it for yourself. All you can do is try your hardest and get through the worst days knowing it will get easier sometimes. Take care hun xxx Getting my memory tree today x

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Hi StarHeart,

There are no easy days, just days when things seem less intrusive and eventually, hopefully a little easier.

You are a Mum and your child is an incredible gift which is a huge responsibility, especially now.

Please take time to look at your precious child and see how they need you, and will do for a long time to come. Your Mum has given you the coping skills to be a Mum, it isn’t easy, but try and embrace the future as the very best Mum you can possibly be. There are always others who can support you through the dark days, please don’t feel you are on your own.

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Thank you I didn’t get to speak to my son today. I was meant to have a video call with him but his dad cancelled it.My sons dad is emotionally abusive and is using my son as a weapon but I didn’t want to do the video call but everyone told me to do it. Now I don’t get to see my son for Christmas for the second year in a row.I don’t know when I’ll get to see my son again. It is so hard to be a mum without a mum and sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be a mum anymore because I’ve let my son down again. He deserves better than me.

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@StarHeart

I am sorry to hear that your video call didn’t happen and I obviously don’t know your situation but I can’t see why you think your wee one would be better off without you in their life.
You are mum and that will never change and your ex sounds like a total narcissistic bully (reading between your lines so may be wrong) and unfortunately you can’t change that but please never think you are not needed.

The grief you are exhibiting for your loss shows to me what a caring, loving person you are.

We’re all here for you x

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Thank you yes you are right but I’m quite a private person normally but also have so much empathy for people.Which is more of a weakness than a strength but I’ve always liked helping people, but I have to start helping myself.

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Oh I get the privacy and weakness thing totally as I am the same which makes it harder a lot of the time. Having to rely on others when you are usually the strong one is tough.

Keep messaging and we will all be here for you xx

I don’t know about others , but I really do think there is a strength, rather than a weakness, in asking for and accepting help from others.

The fact that we are here, just gently trying to support one another, can help both the giver and the receiver. Sometimes, we ust need a little support, nothing major, just a little knidness and understanding can hopefully get us through the dark times.

I will keep trying to be supportive of those who need it, and sometimes, I might need you and your support a little more.

Thank you.

Beth

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