After 8 months i find myself back here again.
It’s still shocking to me how i just cannot talk about losing my dad to anyone without breaking out.
Not my mom, brother, family not my closest friends.
I have so much to say still, i just can’t get the words out of my mouth without tears automatically shedding.
I guess that’s normal though.
I have no idea how those 8 months even passed…
I still remember everything so vividly like it just happened last week.
There’s something bittersweet about Remembering.
You remember it so clearly but the memory pains you so much that you think „can’t i just forget?“, though even if you had the choice to forget, you just wouldn’t want to live without remembering those moments no matter what.
It makes everything more meaningful.
Seeing your dad, your loved one in a casket. Remembering the last time you saw him smile. It’s painful.
Even if it’s a memory of him laying in the ICU its the last piece of memory i have.
There’s one thing i fear more than the pain of remembering; forgetting.
Grief is love. Those painful memories are a sign of love.
I’ve been questioning life nonstop, like everyone else here. it’s been leading me nowhere so far… more open ended questions.
I’ve developed this extreme fear of death. Anytime i’m separated from someone i’m thinking „what if?“
So for every moment i think „what if?“ I’m trying to make sure i’d leave on a good note at last.
So just be there. I’ve learned it the hard way.
Caring silently sometimes is not enough. Show that you’re there.
I know i wish would’ve been there more. In another lifetime i surely will be there…