In grief

Struggling with grief , since my husband recently passed away, nine weeks ago, after 64 yrs of marriage .
I’m feeling extremely lost and lonely right now, nothing anyone says helps, having a day of what ifs ? Can’t get past the point of not accepting that he has gone from me forever

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Dear Pat
What an amazing achievement 64 years of marriage. Its a lifetime and no wonder you miss your beloved husband. I’m afraid nine weeks is no time and your loss is still so very raw.
All the emotions you are experiencing is how we have all felt so we do understand. I’m afraid we all grieve differently and there is no time scale. All any of us can do is to get through each day as best we can until slowly our life starts to make sense again.
I am over two years along and do know that the grief becomes easier and we learn to cope a little better and find a way to get through it.
Take care of yourself. this is most important as hard as it might be.
xx

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Thank you for your reply, it has been a day of what ifs, what if he had not asked for no resuscitation, what if they had resuscitated him , that was the type of spiral that got into my head today, I’m angry too that my dearest did not get the help he should have had sooner. How do I get past the disbelief that I will never see him again ?.
I feel unsympathetic to others who have lost a family member etc;, this was my husband, I married at 16yrs of age( he was 26), so now at 80, that’s the only life I’ve ever known with him, so see no comparison, it’s the physical, hugs caring cuddles that I’m missing so much how to make a new way and life is so very very hard, sorry if that seems harsh, but that’s how I’m feeling.

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Hi there
Your not being harsh it’s what is running riot through your head at this time. Guilt, fear, anxiety and many more emotions will invade your thoughts for a while. I and many others on this forum will relate to what you are struggling with.
From my own experience I would say don’t even give a new way of life a thought at such an early stage of your grieving. Just take each day and eventually a life will come to you.
I may have lost my husband physically but I can now accept his presence is still a part of my life, he is forever in my heart just as your husband will remain with you. This may be no help to you now but in time it may be a comfort.
xx

Thank you for your message, we have ( i still have to say we) four children who all live in Australia, I’m in the U.K. one son got an exemption to come over because of his dads condition, sadly he did not get here in time to see him, but has been here for me and has been trying to encourage me to get out and get involved in things, which I have done a little, but I now feel that he’s done this to make himself feel better, feeling that I’m okay before he flies home ( his flight home has been cancelled due to Covid), so I have him a little longer, I understand his feelings, but also feel rushed in my grief, my mind is dazed, confused sad, and just yesterday I had a bad “ what if “ day, and sobbed a lot.

Patandpete, wow 64 years is an amazing achievement. You are still in shock no doubt as it’s still very early days for you. What you feel is normal so don’t feel bad. I can relate when you say that nothing anyone says helps, as there isn’t anything to say - your life has come crashing down around you. It will be 6 months on Saturday for me since I lost my husband and like you I met him when I was 16 (I’m 48 now) so I’ve never had to be on my own before and it’s lonely, scary and hard without him but I just focus on the day and don’t look too far forward and that helps a bit. I too still have the what if days where it consumes me but rather than fight it I try to go with it and if that means I spend the day crying then so be it. I had one of those days on Sunday and didn’t even get out of bed. All I can say is that for me nearly 6 months along is that it is a very tiny bit easier and my head is a tiny bit clearer than it was so I can only carry on and hope it continues to get that little bit easier. Please know you aren’t alone and this site is full of people just like you who will walk this journey with you x

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Thank you so much for your encouraging reply, yes that’s all I can do at the moment , go with every day whatever it hold, I do get worried when I cry that I may never stop. Spoke to my son this morning, and gently said to him that I must do things at my own pace, I search every site re grieving trying to understand what’s happening to me .

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just thought I’d share

‘No I’m not okay’

I’m wide awake, I’m sleep deprived, don’t say I’ll be okay. My broken heart slowly dies, a little more each day. So please don’t ask me how I am, if you’re expecting me to say. That I’m all good, I’m doing fine, ’cause no, I’m not okay. My heart is tearing through my chest, my eyes are red and sore. I’m in such a mess, I cannot think and I’m not who I was anymore. I’m not thinking you don’t understand, or you haven’t been here as well. Just don’t say they’re in a better place, when I’m living in this hell

This is one of my favourite poems and says exactly how I feel sometimes, I showed this to my son to explain how I felt and it helped, be kind to yourself, it’s the worse thing ever to happen, keep crying let it all out lots of love and hugs xx

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Thank you, that helps me somewhat, perhaps I’ll show my son, because it’s the worst thing that anyone says to me “ how are you”, what do people expect me to say, I understand that they don’t know what to say, but it’s just the worse, one of my friends told me to say, “ how do you f………… expect me to feel, but that’s not me I could not say that to anyone, but that’s how I feel.My worse experience is that I hate how I feel, I don’t want to feel this way, like my life has stopped, that I have no direction or purpose, everyone tells me what I’m feeling is normal, but I don’t have to like it, I want my husband back, I had so much more to say, to hold him again, to feel his comfort when I cry, no one else’s comfort, nothing or no one, can be a substitute for him, nor would I want them to be, my daughter in Australia seems to have the most empathy with me, maybe because she is a woman ?.

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Hello Pat
How nice to have your son with you but I am afraid he doesn’t have a clue at the emotions you are having to go through at this time. To lose someone so close is a major trauma in your life and knocks you completely side wards. You now have a broken heart and won’t feel like being ‘involved’. To pick up the pieces has to be in your own time and when you feel ready and capable of coping. Of course he wants to see his Mum getting her life back together but it just doesn’t happen like that and in so short a time. There is no right or wrong way of grieving or a time scale as to when you feel ready to face the outside world again but certainly you should not be rushed.
Please don’t fear the tears, they are a tribute to the man you loved and some days will seem like hell but there are brighter days that will slowly come back to you.
Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for your reply, it’s much appreciated, I just walk about in a daze, going from one job to another, I’m so much in denial that I will never see or hold him again, it’s a dreadful stuck place to be and so very painful, I know I have to feel these feelings and emotions, and I don’t want to hypertension my son , who wants to do his best for me before he returns to Australia, he tells me to plan my days, but that’s so hard, I have started going to Aqua exercise in the pool twice a week for my back condition scoliosis that helps and soothes me to be in the water, also seeing a grieving counsellor once a week, but that’s enough to cope with at the moment .

Hi there
You are doing remarkably well with your aqua classes and counselling while in such an early stage of your grieving. Of course its enough to cope with at the moment and if you feel like doing more at a later stage then you will know it for yourself.
I’m afraid we have to go through the stages of grief before we can come out the other end. I don’t think there is one of us on this forum that hasn’t felt exactly as you are now. Emotions that none of us could ever have imagined.
If you feel you can plan your days then go ahead. My way was to keep myself busy and I wrote everything down that I did that day even to the simple mundane jobs around the house so that I could prove to myself that I was making an effort. Some people like to write a journal or even letters to their loved ones. Its interesting to read them back at a later date.
Take care of yourself

Thank you so much for your message, I’m in a stage today that feels really bad, everything I do, I’m saying ,”but your not her” and all my emotions well up again, in the pit of my stomach, then I try and say “ but I am “, not really believing it, he asked me to live on, but so very very hard after being together so long, I feel part of me has died.
I do try to make plans for each day, and I write to him each morning and night, but some days there’s no plans to be made, I keep telling myself , I have so much to be grateful for, but that goes no way to help my loss and loneliness, morning and night, you can’t be always busy can you ?, even at the Aqua exercises, the ladies are nice but they don’t know me and my loss, they laugh and talk about their husband, and I want to scream and shout I’ve just lost my husband.
Counsellor this afternoon. Thank you again

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