Hi everyone, a few months ago my mum had a shock diagnosis of terminal cancer and less than a year to live. She is now weeks or at most months away from dying.
I am in my 20s so this is a huge shock. I was completely unprepared. What’s worse is that I’m so isolated - my mum was (and is) everything to me. I grew up extremely isolated with only my parents for family and very few friends. Then as an adult I’ve been too physically ill to live independently and make my own friends. I have no siblings, partner or child. There is nobody within a 150 mile radius who cares about me. I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I’m on good enough terms with to text, and they all live hundreds of miles away. I am not close to any of them.
trigger warning: thoughts /plans of suicide
Losing mum soon will be the end of my life. Since age 13ish I have planned to end my life after she dies, but now find myself too afraid of death to do it. I have tried and tried since age 13ish but have never been able to find a meaning / purpose / sense of joy in my life for anything that didn’t revolve around her. I can’t remember the last time I had any type of dream or ambition or goal for my life - I would have been 12 at the oldest - despite desperately searching for one. No hobby or relationship or career or volunteer work has ever provided a source of joy or meaning to my life. At work when people discuss banal things like where would be your dream holiday destination - I draw a complete blank as there’s nowhere at all I want to go, and there never has been.
Eventually I gave up searching for any meaning or purpose to my life and concluded that I would just live for the joy of mum’s company - but now she’s being taken away from me brutally.
I have absolutely 0 hope for the rest of my life, 0 people or activities that I want to keep living for. I am on the precipice of a dark abyss with absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve completely lost hope for anything good ever happening in my life. I have to live another 50 years with severe and worsening physical illness and nothing and no one to sustain me.
Hello Tiger Lily. I only read the first part of your text. I lost my wonderful Dad to suicide last year, and am struggling at the moment, but I get the gist.
Please talk to your Mum, or your Mums care givers. You will be considered amd very much a part of your Mums care. The nurses that will look after her will not just disregard you, and should definitely be able to support you.
I am genuinely so sorry for your sadness and pain, I understand how it is to feel so helpless and lost. Please, speak to your Mum, her nurses or consultant, or one of the friends that you trust to help you through this dark time. We’re here too. Sending you so much love and huge tight hugs
You have life, talk to someone these thoughts will change, I am struggling with the pointlessness of it all but you can get through this I am sure you have lots to offer.
Just checking in with you, you will be with your mum and she will always be in your heart. It feels bleak now but you will find the strength to carry on.
Hi Tiger _Lily,
I have just read your heartbreaking post. I lost my mum 2 years ago and like you I knew my mum would soon leave me. The realisation is so painful to accept. And terribly difficult for anyone in your position and even worse with you being so young and alone in the world.
Please reach out to the medical team looking after your mum and ask if there’s any help for you. There’s Marie Curie which is an organisation that I am sure will help you. They support family members as I was offered help.
I know there are no words to help you feel better at the moment but please keep reaching out on this site for help and support. There are truly wonderful people on here who understand what you are feeling and going through and will reply with love and kindness to you. Don’t go through this on your own because it’s way too hard. No one will judge you on this site and there’s no right or wrong way to deal with grief. So keep posting whenever you want to.
Use your life to make your mum proud. It’s a privilege to be alive even when we go through the most awful painful times. I had cancer a few years ago and almost didn’t make it so now every day is so precious. You will get through this and you will even feel the same as me. It will take time but you will get through this.
For now spend as much time as you can with your mum. Keep strong and look after yourself by eating and resting when you can even if it’s for ten minutes when someone calls to see your mum. Reach out to all the agencies involved with your mum and ask if there’s any help available for yourself. Talk to your mum about anything and everything.
You are doing everything you can do right now so hold your head up high and carry on.
Am sending you love and strength
Deborah x
