Tracy
Sorry to hear you are recently bereaved. You have found a really old post here without activity for over 2 years.
Have a look at all current posts and you will find people to chat to who have recently lost someone as well.
You can search and find relevant subject headings (loss of a parent/child/partner etc)
Unfortunately there are new people daily who are in the same situation. This site was a life saver for me
Cheryl x
I did end of life, on my own for my mum and as a son with no help from my close family it was the worst.
I had heard it said, but never realised what it entailed, and when they said at the end what I had to do, well anyone whoās done it knows, it has scarred me for life.
To be told you have to starve your own mum to death! Thatās basically it, no food or drink for as long as it takes, and you have to do it to the person you love the most.
It has broken my heart, and I feel guilty every day, even though I gave up my job and home to move in and look after her for the last 4 years.
I truly feel for you as it is a traumatic thing to be part of.
I have just been through end of life process with my partner and itās horrific.
If Iād have known beforehand I would have asked if she wanted another way out.
Even a dog, you put it down when itās in pain and suffering - a human - cut all fluids and food, put a catheter in, syringe driver for pain meds and leave them while their internal organs slowly shut down one by one, as long as it takes, until they take their last breath.
Then they tell you they donāt really experience the pain or suffering and arenāt aware of whatās happening.
Call BS on that - she opened her eyes a few times and I could see the fear in her eyes - she was well aware of what was happening.
Those 3 days will haunt me forever
@MemoriesOfUs Hi Iāve just read your post and I was where you are 9 months ago. Thank you for writing this, all of the time I have spent away from my wife I never knew that someone else knew how I felt. But you do, Iāve seen that last breath and just never came back for so long. You have a difficult time ahead, itās going to be rough. Weāre here when you need us over on Losing a Parther
@Walan Yeah just when I thought it couldnāt get any worse after watching her slowly deterioate over the last 12 months as the cancer destroyed her, had to endure end of life.
Appreciate the reply and knowing others have been through same process.
Long, dark and bumpy road ahead.
Sorry you had to endure this too - I wouldnāt wish it on my worst enemy
@MemoriesOfUs very similar, 9 months since diagnosis till she was gone. Destroyed before me, it took my breath. I felt so powerless, there was literally nothing that could be done. Itās taken time but I know she knew I was there, and in the end thatās all we can really ask of each other. And she knew.
@Walan itās a soul destroying enterprise 
I tried everything - took her to India for specialist treatment on her liver - but was just a day late and a dollar short - just couldnāt get in front of it.
She fought so hard and went through so much pain and misery.
She knew I tried and was there, but I still feel I failed her - probably always will.
@MemoriesOfUs We try everything, RSO for my Wife, no use but she came back a bit. Itās tough to watch someone you know and love so deeply start disappearing in front of you, then to realise youāre disappearing too. I thought I failed my wife, but really there was nothing to be done, choices run out, nature takes its course, all we can do is witness. Your wife would have wanted you there, and you were. You will find comfort in that, how could you not?
I was trying to buy her time in the hope of a liver transplant in coming months - but she just deteriorated too quickly for it to ever become an option.
I can relate to disappearing with her.
Maybe with time - but right now I feel I could have done more, been that little bit quicker, researched that little bit harder
@MemoriesOfUs If you could have beaten it then you would have been a God. It was cancer, there is no cure, it runs its course, it does what it does. Itās scarily efficient, itās been with us since the dawn, maybe weāll beat it, maybe we wonāt. But I guarantee there was nothing more you could have done in your situation. People donāt survive cancer, it gets them in the end, itās always just a matter of time. Choices run out. Nature takes its course. Nothing to be done. Itās not your fault, the same as itās not my fault. Itāll take time, it took time for me, but I think Iām getting there. You will too.
Thanks Walan - hopefully with time start will start to accept it.
But still some dark days ahead before thenš
@MemoriesOfUs For them all that we witnessed is over. For us itās there to be lived. Thanks for this chat, your original post. Itās helped!
I feel like I could have written this myself. My dad died on Wednesday last week and he died with us in a side room. He died within 2 hours of me being told he was very poorly. We got given a booklet, had to sit for three hours waiting for a young doctor who had just come on shift to come and verify the death and listen to his chest. We were told we could ask questions and he knew nothing about my dad. I walked in that day for a visit with a paper and a pack of biscuits and we left with his belongings. Like you, I feel trapped in reliving his last hours like some awful Groundhog Day.
So sorry for your loss, this really is a feeling like no other.
@heartbroken77 I can totally relate to your post. In March, Iād gone to hospital to check on the progress being made for Dadās discharge that day. When I arrived no one could really look at me & when I walked up to his bed, I saw why. He was actively dying. I was led to a poky room as a Dr explained some random stuff that made no sense. A nurse came in & said he didnāt have long. I had to call my mum & siblings to get there. A few minutes later & the Dr said heād gone. I rang my mum to say it was too late. Iāll never forget her howl down the phone like a wounded animal. Youāre given his belongings & a leaflet explaining death protocols. 5 months on, itās as raw as ever. Coming here has given me comfort to know Iām not alone in this but this new existence terrifies me. Sorry youāre going through it & best wishes on this journey. X
My son aged 47 who had learning disability died on the 17 th July 2023.He had bone Metastasis cancer,they were not sure where the primary was. He was diagnosed on the 25th April 2023.He Normally phoned me in the mornings from the hospital. It was a Monday morning at 8pm he had not phoned,I phoned him he said his arm had been hurting all night.I said had the doctors been, he said no ,the doctors would be late this morning as there is a doctors strike,
I said We are coming, as I had a feeling we need to be there, just a feeling a mother has.
We got there and I saw how bad he was, we held his hands. At 1.50 pm he said gI got to go now,I said where,he said I got to go now. I said where again ,he said death,then he just went. If I had not had the instinct to go to the hospital,we would not have been as visiting was 2pm to 8pm . We normally got there at 3pm each day,my beautiful son was waiting for us,and I just had the feeling someone came for him.
I am so sorry for your loss. This too was my experience. I did not know what to do for the best. My Dadās passing was traumatic. I asked a nurse why he was so agitated and she said āit is because he is in painā. I donāt think I will ever get over that night. It has made me question what is the point. He worked hard all his life to provide for us and it ended with him in pain lay in his own mess. I think the worst part was when they ācleaned him upā and sent us out of the room and he was shouting out in pain. I really donāt know how I can erase that from my mind. He didnāt deserve that ending and there was nothing I could do.
I know it is so hard, my son asked for the urine bottle.I got it for him,held it while he went,it was full of blood.when it goes from the bone into the bone marrow ,they bleed everywhere.it is so unfair