Indescribable

Recent life events stirred up my buried feelings. The loss, the huge gap, emptiness and great sadness. I know I have to face them one day if I want to complete my healing. But the sheer thought of it scares me so much, the passible magnitude of immense pain seems to be unbearable.
Will I ever be able to stop crying if I allow myself to start? Will the pain kill me or will I survive? How will I cope with daily duties while dealing with such amount of emotional pain?
I feel alone in this game. Is there anyone who can understand? Has anyone walked in my shoes before?
I feel alone.
I am alone.
I can mute my cry, but I cannot stop the tears. Silent cry, I call it.
I need a place to voice my pain. To bawl uncontrollably. To scream and shout and roar until I collapse. And do it again and again in a hope it might ease my burden and the tons of weight pulling me down might ease.
I feel ashamed by my own feelings. Anger. Rebellion. Fury. Hate. Sorrow.
I have suffered enough. Why more tears? Why more pain?
It’s unfair.
Will I ever get to the end of the road?

I hear your cry. I relate to everything you describe. Some days I feel like I cannot breathe. And the “feeling alone” is something I live with every day, and nights are the worst. Yes there are people at work, friends and distant relatives, but my beloved younger sister, my best friend and my life “connection.,” is no longer there.
Four months on, and I wonder how many more months, how many more years, without the person I loved the most and shared so much with? Can I make it through this “sentence?”
Please tell us about your loss if you can. I have been on this site since my world was shattered that tragic day in May, when cancer took my precious sister in a matter of hours. The people here are so kind, and helped me through many a dark hour (and continue to do so).
I hope you will find some comfort here as well.

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Hello
So sad to hear about you losing your little sister. My big sister passed away 13 days ago. She was my best friend too, twin souls she called us. I’ve coped better than i thought i would but today i feel so disoriented and quite panicky, don’t quite know or understand how i feel really. Like i want to cry, but am not able. Have taken all day to do.nothing except cancel plans with people as i just don’t feel myself at all. Sorry for babbling. I googled does grief feel disorienting and this website came up and i saw you writing about losing your sister. How will we ever be ourselves again without them? X

Dear Debz, Thank you. We will never be “ourselves again” without them. Life is forever changed. Allow your feelings to flow, the “disorientation” is part of the shock we go through when our lives have been turned upside down by the loss of one so close. I have not felt “myself” since losing my sister 4 months ago. That “self” died with my sister that night in May.
Be gentle with yourself , you are only 13 days on. You will find warm support here.

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I hear your cry too. I feel your pain. That’s the thing with this forum, you can be sure we all understand because we’re all going through the same pain and emotions. Keep writing them down, it helps, whether on paper or this forum. I write a journal to my husband - I tell him anything and everything - my feelings, what’s happening in my life, family etc. Truly it helps. Much love to you xx

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Hello xx Thank you for your message and kindness. I am feeling a bit better today which is nice. I get shocked from how intense and raw the roller coaster is, and how it can fluctuate. Today I am feeling grateful and so relieved to not be on the floor emotionally and physically. How are you? I do hope you have days that are better and it’s not always horrendous xxx

Sitting in deep darkness cold and thick
Alone and abandoned you feel like it
Even though all the world around you still
It’s a sole place with panic gravely hit

You gather your strength and crawl to the door
Poke it with finger to look for some hope
But it’s heavy and cold and you start wondering
If people from outside might lean against it

(Thank you for having me here - writing and sharing help me)

Welcome back Silent Cry. Did you pen that poem yourself? How adeptly it speaks to the depth of profound grief. We are all here for each other on this site. The kindness here is a God Send. We care when it seems like no else does. Sister2

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Thanks Sister2
Yes, this is my poem - not complete yet though.
Thanks for your kind response.

Here is the completed version:

Sitting in deep darkness cold and so thick
Alone and abandoned you feel like it
Even though all the world around you still
It’s a sole place with panic gravely hit

You gather your strength and crawl to the door
Poke it with fingers to look for some hope
It’s heavy and cold - you start wondering
People from outside might lean against it

You sit anxiously and cry for some help
Run out of tissues and run out of strength
Giving up hope you flop to the floor
Then somebody graciously
Opens the door

Very moving Silent Cry. Writing can be a good outlet for our grief. I see you ended it on a hopeful note. Hold on to that hope as I try to do, and keep coming back here.
Take care, and keep writing too.

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