Two days ago I was a rock, ready to take on my grief and kick it to the curb. Today I’m once again a mass of goo, trying to create some kind of sense out of this feeling that’s so deep in my heart that I’ll never escape it.
I guess love’s like that. When it’s in blossom it’s the most amazing feeling. One that can transform us in such amazing ways. A feeling that brings us so much joy. But with that joy comes a truth that none of us want to face. That eventually, half of that love will be gone, leaving the other in a place where we’re kind of cut in half.
I’m so torn. Half of me wants to surrender to these feelings of loss while the other half wants to find a way out. I know I’ll never be able to replace her and that I would never try but somewhere there has to be an answer. A way to not replace that missing half, but mend the wound that was created on that night that she was ripped away from me.
We humans were designed to adapt. But we first have to understand what we must adapt from and so tonight I’ll shed those tears that need to be shed and then tomorrow I’ll just see what happens. There’s no predicting what comes next. But I have to believe even in these dark times in my heart that there’s a way out of this mess so long as I seek to find it.
And so into the fire I go. Change is never easy, and in a lot of cases unwanted but when it hits us, we have to try to find a way to change our new normal, even when we can’t figure out what normal is.
These ever changing feelings about dealing with our loss are tiring and knock my confidence for six. It’s another part of grief that I hate.
It’s like going back to when my husband died each time I change from
‘Come on, let’s do something’ to ‘I can’t do anything on my own, I don’t want to do anything . What’s the point’.
What beautiful words…cclay…its just crazy the grief pain sadness empty horrible place to be in when we have loved so much in partnership …then to have it all taken away and because our love for our partners was so very special a lifetime off happiness our grief is endless but as the kaleidoscope twists and turns we can only hope that one day we will may be try except and be at peace
I totally understand what you mean about losing confidence. At six months after my loss I thought, OK I’m dealing with this just fine. I started all of these routines to try to create my new normal. They’ve since gone by the wayside. Somehow the pain has returned and all I can think of is that we have to let our minds cope in the best way that they can. But I think we have to try. The alternative is just more endless pain. And so like so many of us, I’ll just keep searching and try to deal with the pain in the meantime.
I’m trying really hard to avoid deciding “what’s the point” because right now that makes so much sense. But that can’t be the answer, I hope.
I wish you peace
I personally believe the old cliche… time is a healer…from the first raw intensity of grief, crying daily, sleepless nights, restlessness, hopelessness, anxiety, yearning and the list goes on and eventually you do reach a way of living. It will never be the same but life does go on…we learn to adjust, adapt and accept how we feel. How we arrived there is unique to our self, everyone grieves differently but the passage of time moves us all forwards. We don’t have a choice, time stops for no one. I now choose my time to grieve, I go to work, go out, whatever I need to do and then I take time out… I don’t cry, I sit quietly and remember, reflect and let my emotions run free until I return to peace. I have 14mths later found some peace. It’s a feeling of gratitude that I had all those years together. There is always a feeling of sadness there albeit a bearable one but I know I will take it to the grave with me and I understand and accept that because it’s a testament to love…
Aw …such lovely words @LynT and so true … but its still emotional i find some days. For e.g. i was talking to my dog walker friend today about a memory about my husband and then spent lot of afternoon crying … some days are just like that aren’t they ? I think best way of putting it is that we can control our grief better ? Do you think ? Xxx
Hello Deb
I am generally coping with my grief ok now 14mths on, up and down days still but I do think the sadness never goes away, it’s just beneath the surface but you just learn to live with it. It’s like a void that nobody else can fill. I don’t cry now which is strange as I think of him all the time x
Do you not cry ? Oh i still do some days - just the sadness of it hits me sometimes … i guess were all different arent we ? But theres no right or wrong. But its not same as beginning when it was more or less constant crying. Feeling fragile still and that grief is never that far away as you say … takes time doesnt it … for us to heal … and the world feels very fearful to me some days, without him near me. And yet other times im fine. But we do have up and down times dont we ? Bloody rollercoaster this is … xx
3 months today, and I’ve cried every day apart from one. Going to stay with my Mum in Yorkshire tomorrow, I haven’t seen her since December and I know I’ll go to pieces as soon as she puts her arms around me.
@LynT
I really hope it’s true that time heals all. When I read your post,I did look back to a year ago and compared to then, I can’t believe that I still think I’m a mess. But I do. There’s days where the pain still feels physical to me.
But I think I have progressed, even though it’s hard to see and I think a part of that is that I’m peering forward. Looking at things that I haven’t looked at before and this forces me to admit that though I’m never alone in my heart, I am alone in life.
These are hard things to face, and perhaps I’m grieving the loss of my old life which is in a way an acceptance of the reality that I just don’t want to face. Still, I look forward and am willing to fight for the day that I can remember my wife with smiles rather than tears. There’s really no better way to honor someone who has passed than to remember the joy they brought. The love they brought. That’s all still there, enshrined in the universe and in my heart.
Before I logged on tonight, I was feeling horrible. Your post has inspired me to keep fighting. It reminded me that my quest is for some kind of peace and though it may not be a perfect peace, it will be peace.
I;m looking for tears right now, but I know I still cry. The heart just gets to full sometimes. I also understand how the world reels fearful at times. It does for me too. Though I was the one out there, I always came home to my rock. To the loving arms of my wife.
Yeah, this is a rollercoaster. One that like you, I never wanted to ride. I think we’ll get there so long as we never stop trying.
@cclay
I think we have to fully process the loss first before anything else and that will be different for everyone time wise and how we actually do that. I also believe we reach a level of acceptance that we are now on this life journey alone, they are not coming back, again how we deal with this is down to the individual. For me it’s a case of sink or swim and that is a ‘choice’ we make. All of it takes tremendous effort but ‘keep fighting’ is exactly what it is. We can either give in or fight to find some peace, happiness and even love. I believe in continuous bonds, i.e we keep their love alive within us but we also connect to this new life we have. When I look back, I’m surprised at how far I have come and sometimes we have to love ourselves in all of this and that we deserve some joy, peace and happiness. Remember we didn’t cause any of this, it’s not what we wanted but then that is the very nature of surviving life. You will find your peace because you want to and your wife would want that too. If they are looking down on us they would hate to see us suffering
Here’s a strange one…one day I sat down through my heartbreak and tears and asked myself a question …if someone could give me a pill which was instant, pain free and peaceful would I take it to join my husband? My immediate answer was No and that told me I wanted to live and that whatever was ahead I was ready to cope with. Life is about survival and always will be whether we like it or not
Aw … yeh your right ! I never liked rollercoasters anyway ! I always hated not having my feet on the ground yeh the tears release the pain i think when it all gets too much to bear … im 16 months into this. I know i have improved thanks to all my lovely friends and especlially the ones on here who have helped me so much with their shared grief. And yeh like you my husband was my rock too… hard to live without that isnt it xx
yeh the tears release the pain i think when it all gets too much to bear … im 16 months into this. I know i have improved thanks to all my lovely friends and especlially the ones on here who have helped me so much with their shared grief. And yeh like you my husband was my rock too… hard to live without that isnt it xx