I lost my wife of nearly forty years just over three weeks ago she eventually lost the battle to metastatic cancer and eventually died in my arms in family home
During her illness I was her sole carer and in the end did everything for her and unfortunately that included battling with the NHS ( formal complaint has been submitted
She has already been cremated and I have the ashes at home where I live alone although I’m in contact with my daughter over the phone most days but both of us are finding it hard to come to terms with
I feel overwhelmed at times with all the red tape you need to do as well as being lost now I’m not caring for her as I’ve lost my purpose in live as well as now being alone in the hour just with reminders and memories I hope this will turn from being ultra painful to happy ones sometime soon
I’m not sleeping well or eating well either and wake up with anxiety or worse in a panic. I’ve also suffered from clinical depression on and off for twenty five years so aware of most calming techniques and medications and always go out for a least two good walks a day. But motorvation and tge feeling ov why bother is the hardest and I know my wife would want me to carry on and I know my daughter needs me but in my “dark” times that does not seem to help at all
We only move to the area four years ago to retire some 100 miles from our last place so with covid and the cancer during that time we did not make many friends so I do t have a local support network. But I have registered with Via online sites and charities looking for help
Hello
Sorry for your loss , what you are going through after 3 weeks is normal, you are in a state of shock and numbness whilst you begin the journey to try and process the devastation of what has happened to you. This is the raw intense grief where you have to claw your way through every minute, hour and day. It’s important to be kind to yourself, rest and only do what you are able to. Allow yourself to grieve and only focus on the present moment in time until you able to deal with past and future. These dark days do get better with time and healing but we cannot rush grief, it has to be heard, acknowledged and understood which you will do in your own way and your own time. You are not alone, we have all been where you are and are still here surviving day by day and getting stronger bit by bit. We are a team so always here for one another through this rollercoaster journey
Those very early days are just crippling, you have as you say panic and a feeling of utter loss. Im a couple of weeks on and have my husband’s funeral this week ,but i have found using this site such a comfort, people really understand all of your emotions that seem to follow one after another.
I also have mental health issues so reached out to my gp almost immediately for help ,so am receiving some. I have also phoned the samaritans and probably will again they were so helpful and reassuring and have told me to keep calling, when i need. Another number i was given was cruse bereavement charity and called them ,the voluntary councillor,there was just so brilliant and calming ,and offered some really helpful advice for these early days. None of this brings our loved ones back, but it helps with just that hour by hour living we do and that multitude of emotions that just keep coming. Be kind to yourself ,you have lost the love of your life, and take each hurdle as it comes try not to think to far ahead, just the here and now . I wish you well . Keep in touch with us all
I’m so sorry for your loss @WidowD
Its very early days for you and you just have to take one step at a time, one day at a time. Your starting on this awful journey we’re all on , in this weird club that no one wanted to join, but we’re all here for each other
I’m fairly new to this,8 weeks, but i do find this forum helps, everyone really knows what we’re all going through.
Please be kind to yourself and dont expect too much, grieving is a long journey but we can all try to help each other.
Take care
WidowD Like you, I cared for my husband with metastatic cancer at home, battling with useless Marie Curie palliative care team , fighting for appropriate medication, mobility aids etc etc. For months and months. When he died just over three months ago I just didn’t know which way I was pointing. So much overwhelming admin to deal with, worries about finances, and yet a feeling of total inertia. While he needed my care there was no choice but to keep on the ball, get up in the middle of the night when he needed me, keep fighting his corner. Then suddenly he is gone and I have no motivation. Sometimes I just shout out loud about how utterly unfair it all is. It was horrid for him and now it’s unbelievably horrid for me.
All I can say is that what you describe sounds totally normal to me. Don’t beat yourself up about what you aren’t coping with. Tackle the sadmin one tiny bit at a time and try to keep getting out for a walk regularly. I can’t yet say it gets easier, I still cry every day, sometimes out of the blue with no obvious trigger. But I have to believe we can go on putting one foot in front of the other and crawl our way out of this horror.
Hello widow, welcome friend.
Sorry for a daft question maybe, but genuinely asking because i care about everyone apart from myself, i always have all my life. Can i ask how are you today? I am still new-ish here and everyone here is absolutely lovely sweet, kind , sincere and offer real genuine words of kindness and comfort.
Stay and visit as often as you can, this place and the people have a wonderful trick of stopping the tears for a little while. I still cry buckets private and out in public, i dont hide, i dont care, i am a grown man of 60yr old and not ashamed because i loved and miss my dear sister so much.
If you would like to chat or just say hi , please do. Everyone are close friends here , not strangers. That is the way i feel since joined.
Hello,
I could have written your post myself. I took am approaching 3 weeks since my beautiful wife died of metastatic cancer. She had only been diagnosed 5 weeks before and appeared well and full of life before she collapsed in our home.
I too recognise the feeling of why bother. It’s such a weird feeling of redundancy and emptiness. It is strangely reassuring to read other people are in the same boat too. Did this feeling start straight away for you or is it gradually building? I only ask because I’m finding it’s building as each day passes and I just wanted to know if it’s the same for everyone.
I haven’t got any words of advice but just want to thank you for posting. It strangely gives some comfort, seeing that it’s a shared symptom.
Great advice about helplines. I had to use them in those early days too because i was so totally devastated at loss of my darling husband. They are good charities and so understanding. Especially cruse. Thank god for them hey …those first few months are just terrible xx
, what you are going through after 3 weeks is normal, you are in a state of shock and numbness whilst you begin the journey to try and process the devastation of what has happened to you. This is the raw intense grief where you have to claw your way through every minute, hour and day. It’s important to be kind to yourself, rest and only do what you are able to. Allow yourself to grieve and only focus on the present moment in time until you able to deal with past and future. These dark days do get better with time and healing but we cannot rush grief, it has to be heard, acknowledged and understood which you will do in your own way and your own time. You are not alone, we have all been where you are and are still here surviving day by day and getting stronger bit by bit. We are a team so always here for one another through this rollercoaster journey