Irritable and detached

I lost my dad 3 months ago. I had been dreading it but expecting it for a year. I loved him so much but have felt nothing really except detached. I’ve been looking after my mum since.
I now not only feel detached but really irritable all the time. My husband is annoying me constantly.
I feel like I did a lot of grieving before he actually died.
Has anyone had a similar experience?

Hi I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in January and have also felt really annoyed and irritated. I also felt a little bit detached from everything as my mum passed away due to alcohol abuse and mental health issues, although I still have really bad days and have a cry from time to time i too felt as though I did alot of grieving while she was alive as she was no longer the strong willed caring , smart and intelligent women she used to be, I felt like id lost her along time before she passed. I just thought I’d share my situation with you, take care .

Thank you for your reply. It’s nice to know I’m not alone feeling like this and I’m sorry for your loss x

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Trogs, yes what you are feeling is normal under your circumstances and perhaps your husband is feeling left out if you are now looking after your mum. I looked after both my parents-in-law and my own mum and we had to have a proper sit down chat about our relationship and what it was doing because at that stage it had been going on for sometime. In someways we were fortunate because just after that it all came to an end within a month and my mum fell so she needed 24 hours care. It’s hard on families and then one goes we have all the grief as well. Try taking a little time out for yourself and a little for others. Take care. S

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I really appreciate your reply. It definitely makes sense to me. Thank you!

Hi Troggs,
So sorry to hear your news. One thing I have learned is that grief manifests and projects onto those you need the most.
Your closest attachment is your husband, and it’s highly likely that you genuinely don’t find him irritable, but all the sadness and desolation projects onto your closest attachment. It’s something the human mind does, and which we have little normal control over until we understand this.
He may do things to trigger your annoyance, but you’ve known him a long time and I dare say deep down neither he or you want you to be annoyed. They are likely just triggers for a state of hopelessness which has no remedy - hence the annoyance.

One thing you might do is try and “check in” with yourself throughout the day. Note how you feel and why you feel any changes. This gives you reference points to go back to, to realise that perhaps you were already upset before someone did something that simply created an outlet for that upset.

Be kind to yourself. x

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. What you say makes a lot of sense

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Hello Troggs,
I am sorry that you are suffering so much, my deepest sympathy to you.
Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death and I find that I cannot stop thinking about him even after 31 years. We were very close, in fact we were a close family, but since my brother died it has all changed.
Please stay safe, you have joined a wonderful group, where no-one wants to be.
Take care and stay safe,
MaryL x


Hi Mary
I’m sure you never stop thinking but I’m hoping that I can think of all the good times and be thankful that I had my wonderful Dad for 58 years.
This group is amazing. Just knowing you’re not alone and everyone is so kind x


I am sorry I missed your reply Trogs, I had my wonderful dad for 49 years. Whilst he had been gone for all these years, there are sometimes I feel his loss so acutely. we were very lucky to have such loving, funny and warm hearted dads.
Sometimes I feel resentful that for 4 years, during WW2, I didn’t see him, I feel that those years were stolen from me, yet, our family was very lucky that all our men came home.
I too have had great comfort from this group of compassionate and loving people, there are none better.
Take care x

I lost my Dad in November, a day after his 79th birthday. He had Parkinson’s and Lewy Body dementia and had been in permanent care for 18 months, I saw him every week and watched him deteriorate. The thing is now I don’t feel like I feel anything, not sad, not angry just a total, I guess you’d call it numbness. I lost my Mum nearly 3 years ago from cancer and was bereft, I spent two years barely able to think of her without crying and that was worse but at least seemed normal! My brother thinks that I feel like this because his life, such as it was, was so awful that his death came almost as a relief and like you maybe we had both “grieved” before the event. It seems like I cannot remember the vibrant, clever man that he was only the shell that he became at the end. The day he couldn’t remember his grandchildren was the most awful. If he’d known what was happening, it would have killed him, he lived for his granddaughters. I think probably everybody grieves in their own way and as such no emotions (or lack of them) is right or wrong. You may find as time goes on that you feel differently, it’s only been recently that I can think of my Mum and smile and remember how wonderful she was instead of feeling wretched that she isn’t here. I hoping that I feel that way about Dad in time too and this lack of anything will just be a memory. If it makes you feel better, I went to a bereavement group and admitted that I felt nothing and that some days I could barely make myself be pleasant to anybody other than my children so it’s not unusual that you feel irritated by your hubby, I felt annoyed with everyone but it’s gotten better as time has gone on. Take care xx

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