Irritable and detached

I lost my dad 3 months ago. I had been dreading it but expecting it for a year. I loved him so much but have felt nothing really except detached. I’ve been looking after my mum since.
I now not only feel detached but really irritable all the time. My husband is annoying me constantly.
I feel like I did a lot of grieving before he actually died.
Has anyone had a similar experience?

Hi I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in January and have also felt really annoyed and irritated. I also felt a little bit detached from everything as my mum passed away due to alcohol abuse and mental health issues, although I still have really bad days and have a cry from time to time i too felt as though I did alot of grieving while she was alive as she was no longer the strong willed caring , smart and intelligent women she used to be, I felt like id lost her along time before she passed. I just thought I’d share my situation with you, take care .

Thank you for your reply. It’s nice to know I’m not alone feeling like this and I’m sorry for your loss x

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Trogs, yes what you are feeling is normal under your circumstances and perhaps your husband is feeling left out if you are now looking after your mum. I looked after both my parents-in-law and my own mum and we had to have a proper sit down chat about our relationship and what it was doing because at that stage it had been going on for sometime. In someways we were fortunate because just after that it all came to an end within a month and my mum fell so she needed 24 hours care. It’s hard on families and then one goes we have all the grief as well. Try taking a little time out for yourself and a little for others. Take care. S

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I really appreciate your reply. It definitely makes sense to me. Thank you!

Hi Troggs,
So sorry to hear your news. One thing I have learned is that grief manifests and projects onto those you need the most.
Your closest attachment is your husband, and it’s highly likely that you genuinely don’t find him irritable, but all the sadness and desolation projects onto your closest attachment. It’s something the human mind does, and which we have little normal control over until we understand this.
He may do things to trigger your annoyance, but you’ve known him a long time and I dare say deep down neither he or you want you to be annoyed. They are likely just triggers for a state of hopelessness which has no remedy - hence the annoyance.

One thing you might do is try and “check in” with yourself throughout the day. Note how you feel and why you feel any changes. This gives you reference points to go back to, to realise that perhaps you were already upset before someone did something that simply created an outlet for that upset.

Be kind to yourself. x

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. What you say makes a lot of sense

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Hello Troggs,
I am sorry that you are suffering so much, my deepest sympathy to you.
Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death and I find that I cannot stop thinking about him even after 31 years. We were very close, in fact we were a close family, but since my brother died it has all changed.
Please stay safe, you have joined a wonderful group, where no-one wants to be.
Take care and stay safe,
MaryL x


Hi Mary
I’m sure you never stop thinking but I’m hoping that I can think of all the good times and be thankful that I had my wonderful Dad for 58 years.
This group is amazing. Just knowing you’re not alone and everyone is so kind x