Hi its 3.45am and I can’t sleep.
I’m dead tired but my brain won’t switch off.
I keep crying which doesn’t help
Is there anyone else awake?
This grievings bad enough but why is it worse in the middle of the night?
I feel so alone, so tearful and I suppose sorry for myself
Its a ‘first’ today so thats probably why I’m strugging so much at the moment.
Im here. I dont sleep at night much anymore, its usually 5 or 6 am. I then sleep until lunch.
My tears start to fall more when i go to bed so i avoid it.
My husband died 5 wks ago from cancer. We had 17 months. He chose to die at home so i looked after him until he passed. It was not peaceful at the end and im so traumatised i cant even think about those last hours. We were together for 26 years.
I am across the ocean and wide awake. What was your first today? I am so sorry you are suffering and feel alone, sad and awake. It is okay and quite normal to feel sorry for yourself as you are grieving your loved one and your own life as well. The life you knew is no more. This is heavy upon us all. Very heavy.
If you are having trouble falling asleep, perhaps you should talk to your physician.
Sleep is so very important and without enough, we get even more anxious and depressed. I have heard that Valerian tea before bed helps, as well as melatonin, but never got any confirmation on either. However, there is a product sold in the US under the name “Relaxium Sleep” and available through Amazon. My good friends swear by it. All natural. Just trying to help, I have no affiliation with the product. We found it helped and recommended it to them.
Long, big, hug from New Orleans.
Thankyou @BONNIE68
I’m sorry for your loss. Its so very much early days for you.
I’m nearly 8 months and it does get a little easier but the heartbreak is always there.
My husband too had cancer but he only lived for 6 weeks after diagnosis, he died in the hospice
It all happened so fast I don’t think I had time to process it. I still don’t think I have really.
We were together for 42 years.
I know how you feel about the last hours. Although Roger was so drugged up it was quite peaceful.
I have had to learn to not go over and over that last day.
It is getting easier to distract myself on a Friday. The day I lost him.
But I do know how hard it is
Thankyou for being there
Liz x x
3 week, 2 days for me.
I am truly sorry for your loss, your trauma, and the painful memories in your head. I feel for you as his caregiver, it is an exhausting role and you were helpless to make him better and I know that was gut wrenching. Then, there was anticipatory grief which is when you mourned someone still alive, but dying, and surviving that takes all you’ve got as it happens while you care for their every need.
You were together a long time, you have lots of much better memories than those last months. I find looking at photos of my husband when he was young makes me feel good. He looks so happy and there is a sparkle in his eye that makes me smile. My last image of him is too unbearable to recall. Look at old photos. Just a thought.
Thankyou @PeachesDixon
I’m sorry for your loss. I see that it was very recent.
My ‘first’ is my birthday. I don’t want to celebrate or even get up but my daughter and Grandaughters have other ideas.
Waking up and Roger not saying happy birthday is breaking my heart
It might be 8 months but it only feels like yesterday. Yet it seems so long since he last held me or told me that he loved me.
I think my brain thought if I stayed awake It would be easier.
Its not
Now I’m just going to be tired all day.
But hopefully I’ll sleep tonight
I havent been sleeping as well as I used to, but nothing as bad as tonight.
Thankyou for caring when you grief is so raw
Liz x x
I thought I would fall through the floor when married friends suggested we all get together to celebrate my husband’s birthday which is in about 2 weeks. Celebrate? I have no reason to celebrate which would really be crying in a martini through a meal I won’t eat.
My husband’s funeral was on my birthday - the first day available at the funeral home. It was the last one I will get to spend with him. So appropriate and not a coincidence.
Happy Birthday anyway. I know it’s a sad one, but put on a good face for the kids - they are trying to show love and celebrate you - whom they love. They don’t get it, only widows and widowers do.
Some people really dont think do they?
I took my daughter and son-in-law and 2 of my Granddaughters out on Rogers birthday to celebrate him and to thank them for all they are doing for me.
It was sad but nice
I know they’re just looking out for me.
Thankyou for your good wishes
Sending hugs
Liz x x
I cant look at some of the photos of the last few months. I am just starting to realise he has truly gone for good. Its not another hospital stay. I question myself constantly did i care for him enough, did i do everything right, there were times i was frustrated, did i raise my voice, was i sharp on occasions. He was quite angry at times, once he forgot who i was, he shouted, told me to leave him alone , didnt want personal care from me or carers. Its now my brain going over n over the few negatives instead of all the positive. I followed his wishes completely.
I met a neighbour a few days after he passed and she told me her husband died from cancer too. He only knew for 4 weeks and he was gone. She used loros hospice. She described all the help and nice atmosphere. I really wished he had chosen that. My experience of the last 18 month’s have been hell on earth. Its bad enough with the grief but im tortured with feelings of not doing enough and loros would have been so much better.
I will try my best to focus on good times before the cancer took over our lives.
Im going away for few days with my daughter and grandkids. I need to shake myself out of this cloud thats landed on me the last few days. I can physically feel the pressure on my shoulders and my body hurts all over.
Oh @BONNIE68
Please don’t keep blaming yourself.
Guilt is the worst part of grieving, but we all suffer from some degree of it
You were doing what he wanted, looking after him at home.
I know how hard that can be and how it was easy to raise your voice or even lose patience. Its ok you’re human, you were dealing with so much.
Roger went in a hospice for his last 5 days but I looked after him at home for 6 weeks prior to that.
I couldn’t cope anymore and Roger needed much more medication and sedation than he could have at home.
I really don’t know how you coped for 18 months.
I started to focus on the negatives and it was really dragging me down. And although I still feel some guilt I know I did my best.
Please stop beating yourself up.
You did your best. You gave him what he wanted
You couldn’t have done more.
Love and hugs
Liz x x
Bonnie, forgive yourself for not being perfect or a miracle worker. Being the caregiver for a terminally ill loved one is so hard. It tears down your body, mind and soul.
If you believe in God, as I do, then you know that your husband has already forgiven you for everything you think you didn’t do correctly.
Take a deep breath, you did an excellent job taking care of your husband. Now it is time to take care of yourself and the first thing is to accept that you are a human being with limits and imperfections. Guilt has no place in your life.
Do not feel guilty for doing the best that you could do.
Dinner isn’t ruined because the buns burned in the oven.
My husband did not die of cancer it was ILD lung disease. His need for oxygen at the end was so high. He deteriorated so much I was the only carer. He wanted to be at home, in his favourite chair. I cared for him round the clock on constant vigil of his oxygen levels. I took little heed at the time but twice he looked like he was going and I shout his name out to bring him back. I have flashbacks to the last week it was a nightmare time. I try to push them out of my head, so hard. I miss him so much,.