I know it’s a few months away but is anyone else dreading Xmas this year? My beautiful mum passed in April and it’s going to be so hard to have Christmas without her and I know my partner with, understandably want me to have Xmas with his fam this year (previously we spent it apart and came back together on the 27th). I just don’t want to spend two long days with his family, I would rather do smaller chunks and then time on our own but I know he won’t agree to this because we had Xmas with just us and my mum last year and so I feel selfish to even suggest it. They are lovely but they are all carefree and have eachother and seem to have forgotten the pain that I’m in as they never ask how I am (although perfectly pleasant). Xmas will be a constant reminder of my loss and I expect I will be very upset at intervals throughout the day and I need to be able to be myself and let the emotions flow.
Maybe I’ll volunteer to work at a homeless shelter instead as couldn’t give a monkeys about Xmas anyway.
Anyone else in a similar predicament or have any thoughts on this?
I am dreading christmas with out my mum, and i allways bought cards and presents off her, for my brother and grand kids, feel lost what its going be like not buying her a card and presents, then its her birthday valentines day x
Yeah I’m dreading it. I just want to avoid it. Our family Christmas had the exact same pattern every year and it was so good. Last year my dad was very ill but we managed to enjoy it in a slightly different way. We were still all together. Now everything is going to be about the empty space, not buying presents for him, none of his laughter. This incompleteness is so hard every day, but that day will be hardest of all.
Hi @BrackObama , @Shaza2 & @Jack3 ,
I know exactly what you mean, some of the shops are already selling Xmas stuff, I’ve mentally blocked out the first Christmas after my mom passed, I was stuck with my dad, & all he would do is drink, & cry, & on top of tiptoeing around him, I had my own grief to deel with. I still get moments where I see things in shops, & for a split second thing “mom would like that for Christmas,” then I remembered she’s gone 
. Last Christmas I spent with my boyfriend & his family, they’re all very nice, we had a good dinner, & they did karaoke 
, which was fun, but I couldn’t help needing a moment to myself to have a good cry, thinking “this is how normal people have Christmas,” my dad had wrecked sooooo many Christmas’s with his drinking, him & mom always arguing about it, that was my normal, my mom would always do things to try to make it special, for 2 years in a row before COVID, she did a special advert calendar treasure hunt, we have a wooden advert calendar with draws for each of the days, & in each draw, each day, I would get a clue that I had to solve, sometimes she’d put them in code & I had to solve it before I could look for the present 
, these ones were usually only small things, but it was fun at the time, but dad always wrecked the days with his drinking. I think my dad would get jealous that she would dote on me & my sister like this.
I can understand not wanting to spend Christmas with your partners family, it does tend to feel like it’s rubbing it in, but I believe honesty is the best policy, this is your grief journey, if you need some alone time, or just want to take some time out for yourself, or choose to work over Christmas feeling the need to keep busy, that is understandable, & your choice, you do what works for you. Sending hugs of support.
Im so sorry x
Completely understand this. Everytime i even think if xmas i panic. Usually my xmas is me, my daughter who is 12, my mum, her partner and my uncle. In previous years my friends have also joined but that has stopped as they have built their own families. Even up till last year i was so jealous of everyones big family xmas’s when there was just 5 of us. This year mums gone unexpectedly, her partner has cut us off and my uncle dont want to come now mums gone. So its a day no different to any other.
She already has the crackers ready for this year as she always bought them the yeat before. Always have to use certain plates and glasses.
We always went OTT with presents too as we only had such a small amount to buy for. Its been our thing for years to pile them up and see who has the biggest pile.
It actual cripples me with pain that at 35 its just my and my daughter
In a word yes, I lost my father in law suddenly at the end of June and 10 weeks later my mum has just passed after a long illness.
I totally understand I only lost my mum on new years day of this year. I didn’t really do Xmas after I lost my dad, Xmas this year I don’t think I will be having one,
Christmas is 1 day only and if you can get through a few hours that’s all it is.
Do what you want to do and feels right for you and no one else.
Big hug x
@BrackObama, yep. I started thinking about Christmas after Dad died in March. Thinking of all those firsts to get thru. We’ve had Birthdays, Father’s Day etc but tbh, I’m dreading it. I don’t feel it ever getting easier.
Hi BrackObama,
Yes me I am dreading Xmas as my mum passed last Deb 30th.We didn’t celebrate Xmas last year as mum was home very ill and we couldn’t face it knowing she didn’t even know it was Xmas.This year I can’t face it but I have a husband and son who have to do something. I am trying to think of something different that doesn’t spoil their Xmas but don’t know what . I honestly don’t feel like doing anything.Still feel so so sad.
It’s a hard one this year for sure
Any ideas let me know
Deborah x
Maybe go out for Christmas lunch instead? Change of scenery, no cooking or washing up and do something different!
I reckon I’m going to cancel Christmas 
Hi @seychelles,
I agree with the change of scenery, even if it’s just a local walk. It depends what’s on in your area, & how much you feel up to, but maybe, some places do Christmas light switch ons, maybe you could create a new tradition. Christmas is a tough one when your grieving, but it’s good that you have your family to focus on. Maybe talk to your family, & see if you can find something you’d all be comfortable with.
Hi @BrackObama . I have always disliked Xmas, the best time is when its all over. I really enjoy the other 364 days of the year much more. So why should I subject myself to it again, particularly when it will upset me spending all day realising Penny isnt with me. Last year was my first Xmas without her. I got loads of very kind invitations to join family and friends, but as my neice pointed out my problem is that whatever I did, Penny won’t be there!
So I had a cunning plan, Something completely different. I decided to make up a packed lunch, decorate the dogs in tinsel and flashing lights, take a guitar and a photo of her, go and sit on the cliffs at Flamborough head, and play to her. No doubt a few tears, but lots of happy thoughts. Tears are ok, because one of my dogs insists on licking my tears.
Sadly, it didnt happen because I tested positive for covid on Xmas eve.
I have a friend who is also getting through bereavement, and she is dreading Xmas as well, so maybe I’ll have company for this years “alternative Xmas” however it turns out.
Last year, I received and sent no cards or presents (thanks to everyone for listening to me). I had lots of phone calls instead, which was far better. No visitors, because of covid,!