Is healing ever complete?

Coping with bereavement
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Tomorrow 22 Aug 2024 would mark the first death anniversary of my dear departed wife. She was just 53 when cancer took her away after a battle of 7 years. She is a brave survivor. Our son is 19. He is coping well being busy with studies, friends and sports etc. I am still coping up with the loss and the permanent void it created in my life. I still live in the same house. Sleep on the same side of the bed which we shared for so many years. Well, not so crazy as to organize her pillow and bolster every night. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Keep on missing her when alone, or exercising or doing nothing. Having a part time job means I am busy with work part-time only. Unfortunately, whenever I think of her are only the painful moments of her last 5 and a half months of her survival. How come she never comes smiling in my thoughts or dreams?

I wanted to know or have some clarity on some things – As people say I /We/everyone heals after a prolonged amount of time. Does the healing ever end? Is there a time period to it? Or is it like waves coming on and off or like cancer before it completely consumes you and leaves you a wreck? Does anyone become happy or can smile in such a situation (after being married for 27 years). I cannot say I have gotten emotionally stronger but can say I am now less weaker mentally. I cry less, I break down less when on phone talking about her with our common friends or relatives. Does that means I am healing? When does that end? Or is it like a emotional scar which shall never fade?

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It keeps on fading. The hurt continues to ease. Im coming up to 2 1/2 years now, I wouldnt have believed how far I have come. I still think of her and talk to her every day, but these conversations arent tearful, they are like the conversations we used to have. My new life is how I wanted it to be, and that is because I decided what it should be like, and I kept moving forward towards it.

One other thing I did to help with anniversaries was to do something special in her memory, not just collapsing into sad emotions. Something I always wanted to do, but never got around to. On her birthday this year I decided I wanted to play the flute, and booked my first lesson. On other anniversaries I climbed a mountain (actually a very big hill, but it seemed like a mountain for me), and gone abseiling. Next week, its not an anniversary, but Im going potholing, and she will be beside me, telling me to be careful but knowing she was wasting her breath.
So, stay positive and optimistic. Life will recover.

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Thanks @tykey for the elaborate message, really appreciate it very much. As you said, coping would improve with time. But I feel sometimes pissed off when people ask me to go and meet women or go out on dates. They don’t even ask if I am mentally ready. People cannot understand or put themselves in my shoes. But there would be all kinds of people.

I like the idea of keeping busy by learning new things. Last year, we distributed food and stationery items to primary school students (for underprivileged kids). We have planned to continue doing that and my son also started teaching to these kids 2-3 times in a month as a social initiative. I also wanted to learn the Keyboard, have to find a good teacher. Maybe would learn Rubik Cube from my son.

Thanks so much, your words brings a smile. Have a blessed day @tykey

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Hi
I am 17 mths along in this journey and yes journey is the right description, except there is no destination. This journey also belongs to you only, there are no answers only what you want them to be.
After the first intensity of grief’s grip I decided I couldn’t live in constant heartbreak and emotional turmoil for the rest of my life, my motto was sink or swim and I chose to swim. There is I believe, an inbuilt basic trait called survival and that’s what we do to begin with. Taking everything step by step just to function on a daily basis to claw our way through every hour, day and then weeks and months. As the intensity began to fade I asked myself what I now wanted from my life and at Xmas a friend bought me a Xmas present " A bucket list book". Well I was in shock and didn’t know what to say, I half wanted to punch her lights out but she said Lyn just have little goals to start with and build up until you have a picture of how you now want your life to look like. 8 mths on this book has become my best friend and gives me a purpose. I booked a cruise which I went on in June, first one in 35yrs without my husband but I did it and I felt a shift inside me, I shook off the heavy weight and burden of grief and I laughed, I smiled and had fun. I had found a new version of me and I had belief, hope and light ahead and that this life I now had was up to me, a choice I was in control of again. Yes I miss my husband, yes I will always love him and think about him and have moments of grief, sadness, etc but it now walks alongside me instead of controlling me. I am at a place of peace with it all and beginning to find some joy and happiness and that is exactly what my husband would want for me. Hang in there and yes I totally believe time heals. The scar remains but that scar is the indent of a great love and I wear it with pride
Lyn

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Such a sweet reply and tears of joy are flowing as I am reading and re-reading it. Thanks for brining a smile on my face @LynT . GOD bless you always.

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Such beautiful words, thank you xx

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I know it isn’t the same but I suffered with anxiety and depression a few years back (nothing to do with bereavement). I am no longer depressed and the anxiety is mostly under control…but I have never felt the same person since I went through this and I think grief is the same. We can’t go back to exactly who we were because we are changed, so much has happened we can’t go back. But maybe we can adapt and slowly find more good days than bad? As others have said it is a journey.
You mentioned you are only busy working part time…have you considered an Open University course? Some are free and very engaging. I find if I am learning something I keep very busy outside of work! Or a new hobby perhaps?
I hope you find some comfort soon

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@CheerMeUp I read this post from grieving member on another forum. I think he nailed it:

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

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Thank you so much @Eponine for your kind words and the time you took out for a detailed response; appreciate it very much. You are right about saying adapting and finding good ways in the smaller details of life, and we can feel happy rather than looking at the bigger picture.

BTW, I am a big fan of Arts, paintings, sculptors of Renaissance periods, Medieval art and Modern Contemporary arts; whatever city I travel for business, I make it the top most point in my itinerary to visit the local art gallery. I used to just see, listen to the history and watch in awe. Now I am reading the history behind it from various free courses and websites. Thanks for suggesting to take up a course.

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How can I ever thank you @Peterb. You took time out to detail such a lovely and long message and every para of yours touches my heart and impacts me in a positive way. Today I woke up early and garlanded my Wife’s frame with flowers, light up a tea-light candle, said my prayers to her, talked to her and how I miss her. Told her about my son’s and mine journey in the last 365 days.

You know what, the entire thing that you described about the waves; I have actually dreamt many times in the way you have narrated it. Its so surreal and a near-perfect description of my dreams. I know Freud might say this is all about anxiety, stress and depression but the way you have interpreted it is the way I feel about it when I wake up in cold sweat when I dream. But I know I would overcome that slowly. Grieving is a process, healing is slow, no Doctor can ever give you a timeline for it. I actually landed a full time job 1 day back and would start working full time from 2 Sep 2024. So, I have a feeling things are looking up.

BTW Didn’t someone say age is just a number. I am 56. And I am happy to hear from grievers who are even half my age. Everyone brings a perspective and a thought - which I want to read and experience the impact.

Its such a wonderful feeling getting such long and meaningful responses on this forum. Even reading these brings a smile on my face. I am sure my wife is happy looking from above that me and my son are happy.

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I agree with all that’s been written. I’m approaching 19 months from sudden death and it’s been a journey but everyone’s response to your initial post is very accurate.

I do believe our own positivity is key and wanting the best for ourselves. It definitely wasn’t like that at the beginning, just staying alive was a challenge but now I’m glad I’m alive.

My partner was 49 and i was 57, i have a lot of life left to live so i had to make the most of it. The waves still hit and sometimes after such a steady period, it’s harder to deal with the waves but now i know they do pass.

My biggest get through is knowing what my partner would want for me. I talk to him every day and have kept a diary since the first week, this has been good as i can look back and see how far I’ve come.

Congratulations on the job. Work has been a life saver for me!

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Well said @Ali29. Key is how we surf through the waves and are on top of the waves, rather than the waves submerging us. Take your own time as I said everything is a process with no stop or commas.

I started journaling when my wife was first hit with Cancer in 2016 and that has helped a lot. I do handwrite (not blog of vlog). Graphologists say emotions flow through the tip of the pen and let it flow and I believe it.

Thanks for your compliments. Yes work keeps us focused and distracted from moments of weakness. I tie a rubber band around my wrist sometimes and snap it when I feel down to bring me back to reality, I saw this act on a American drama.

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Thanks for sharing Lynn. It really helps and I’m so happy for you x

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I really hope the grief does end . For me personally I am stuck. My husband drowned on holiday in October 23 I was alone there with him. We were together 38 years married 32. About 2 weeks later I discovered he had an affair starting at least autum 19 and possibly on going. I am as much devastated not the affair as the death. It’s his actual death and the death of my understanding and of the person I thought he was. The death of my memories of our life. I can not mourn because it’s now as though I mourn a stranger.

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I know it is difficult getting passed thinking of your wife’s suffering, It’s very hard to watch and one feels a failure and have let her down even though there was nothing you could do prevent it. My wife died last October after 56 years being married and I miss her every day, although some days are better than others.
They say “time is a great healer” but I believe the healing leaves a scar which will ache some days. I believe bereavement is much the same so I don’t expect to ever be completely free.

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Thanks @Hopefully for contributing. I really appreciate it. I can understand there is a void which can never be filled up and there are scars which never heal. 56 years marks a solid foundation of your marriage, we were married for 27 years and another 2 years of dating.

May someone higher up bless you and keep you motivated and blessed.

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Thanks @Mandyjayne for contributing and being candid about your feelings and relationship with your late husband. I would never say those words “I can understand” as people casually tell me all the time, because no one can understand what you went through and still coping up, its not easy to deal with grief and betrayal in marriage. 38 years togetherness is such a long time, we were together for 29 years.

I can just say time is a healer (don’t know if its the biggest healer). Please write from time to time. Helps all of us to get perspectives.

Thanks so much @Mandyjayne.

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I lost my beautiful wife in January after a long battle with COPD. I gave up work to look after her at home and watched as the disease slowly dismantling everything that she was, until it took her from me.
During this time i was very hard on myself and looking back, my mental health was shattered with it all. Together we were invincible, and i couldnt handle the fact that i couldnt save her.
As you say your children have their own lives and appear to be coping well, but you yourself are left with constantly cross examining yourself about how you should be feeling and coping
Despite what you think, you do appear to be mentally stronger and as grief is an emotional state,you must be healing.
I wouldn’t say Im happy, but i can laugh.
I have managed to block out any reminder of my wife’s last two year bedridden illness and remember her as her happy healthy beautiful self.
A couple of nights ago, my wife appeared in a dream for the first time. She looked beautiful glammed up with a new blonde hairdo. I said ‘look at You!’ and she said ‘Ive had a makeover’
Dreams are bonkers, but this is her way of telling me shes ok.

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@CheerMeUp I also love the arts! I have just discovered actually National Gallery also do some courses online. I don’t know what they are like though but no harm in looking

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@Peterb that is truly beautiful, thank you for sharing it