Is how I'm feeling normal?

Coping with bereavement
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My mum died on the 13th November. I think she knew it was coming because she was very insistent about sorting out her funeral and a will as
soon as possible.

She was very sure that she did not want a service or a wake, infact she just wanted to be cremated and that’s all. I was there when she did all this and as it was what she wanted went along with it.

The only thing is I feel, as does my sister that there is no closure like you get with a funeral.

I am totally numb at the moment as I saw my mum every day. I feel like something is missing, a piece of me is missing. I seem to be going through the motions, not really feeling normal?

Does anyone have any advice on how I can move on as I’m just stuck at the moment.

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I lost my lovely Dad 18th September. We did have a lovely funeral so I did get some closure so I can imagine how you’re feeling not having one. It’s 9 weeks tomorrow since I lost my Dad and although I miss him so much it is beginning to get a bit easier. Just take one day at a time and look after yourself. Your not alone x

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Hi @Mandy42 , I am sorry to hear you have lost your mum, although I have not experienced the loss of a loved one without a funeral, I would not feel the beginning of closure without, I am sure your feelings are perfectly normal, they are how we personally deal with loss and there is no right or wrong way.
It does seem that more people are taking this decision, maybe they feel that it will save the family from grief and even cost! my take is that we actually need these procedures as it helps to come to terms with what has happened.
You have carried out her wishes but could you arrange a memorial service without her being offended? if she did not rule it out then you wouldn’t be going against her wishes, generally a memorial is more about the celebration of her life rather than mourning her death, it would give you the chance to say good bye, whatever your religious beliefs or none, you could have a “service”
Just a thought.

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Thank you I will talk to my sister about your suggestions x

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Mandy, I am so very sorry that you lost your mom. When mom dies, part of us dies too. Of course you can feel that she is no longer here. It hurts, doesn’t it? I know. We lose the unconditional love that we will never have again and the comfort that only a mom give. It is just horrible.

Darling Mandy, it has only been a few days, and the reality is, numb is normal and you are going to be “stuck” for a while, I am sorry to say. I have been numb for 8 weeks today. Numb is the new normal and I am learning to function while numb. You will too. Sooner or later, we will break through numb. Or not. I don’t know, haven’t gotten there yet.

How do you move forward. You pay the bills, you feed yourself, the family, the pets.

You live each day hour by hour. Don’t cry for the future lost as you will live it in real time when the future gets here. You are living it with every minute that passes. Truth.

Make a list of 5 things you must do each day, do them, check them off. It is a visual reminder that you are, in fact, moving and accomplishing things. 35 each week, 150 per month. No real effort. Well, that is how I do it.

Swift has the best idea. Will you be spreading the cremains? If so, gather together friends and family for that day, have speakers and prayers and when it is over, have a repast at home. I promise you, your mom doesn’t care anymore, she is happy and free from all Earthly worry. And she’ll be there to see what is going on.

You and your sister need the comfort of friends and family in a gathering to mourn.

My husband’s funeral was closure in a way. It was not just for me, it was for all who loved us to say goodbye to him, share stories and condolences. When the hearse pulled off to the crematorium, I watched until my life disappeared from view.

End.

Now the hardest part is living again.

You are okay. You will get through it all. Just not yet.

Much love.

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Hi, your story is very similar to mine, I lost my mum on the 14th November and she wants an unattended cremation. I have always felt the funerals help give closure so have struggled with her decision. However right now I do t think I could cope with planning a funeral, writing an eulogy etc. Myslef and my sister are going to go on a memory walk instead and scatter seeds (mum was a keen gardener) and maybe an informal meet up with close family. It might help you to plan a private/personal tribute to your Mum x

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In reading everyone’s posts, It begs the question, do we ever really acheive closure? Everyone is entitled to decide how they want to be remembered and what they prefer as they leave this world. Most of my family and some friends did not want funerals, nor do I when my time comes. When my Dad died he chose cremation, and we had a beautiful burial at sea (his final wish) For my Mum we had a church service and afterwards everyone gathered at her favourite restaurant to share a meal and memories, and we held a meaningful Celebration of LIfe ceremony for my beloved younger sister after her passing. As some have mentioned above, there are alternative ways to respect our loved ones final wishes, while still finding ways to get “closure” or at least an outlet for our grief. I will never say “goodbye” to any of my departed loved ones. So sorry for everyone’s losses. Xxx

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I think the ritual in itself is helpful for many who grieve and that some do find closure in it. There’s a reason humans have kept the tradition for so long. But I also think there are other ways to mark what has happened and like you I never will say “goodbye” to those I’ve lost.

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Hi Mandy. I lost my Dad during Covid there were only a few allowed at the crematorium. We had to wait a year, then we all went to a lovely Cypriot restaurant and had a lovely meal and remembered him with lots of love and laughter. If you can gather the family and celebrate your Mums life, it’s not going against their wishes. It gave us comfort.

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Sorry about your Mum. I also lost my Mum very recently and although we did have a service i still feel exactly as you do. Like im going through the motions and stuck. Im not sure the funeral gave me any sort of closure really. I think you did what your mum had wanted and that is the most important thing. Im starting to realise its a matter of learning to adapt with the loss and separation rather than feeling better. Its very difficult, especially with Christmas approaching. A day at a time, an hour at a time. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself as you would treat someone else in your position. And i find a good cry and the occasional meltdown helps! Xxxxx

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Thank you, it makes me feel less like I’m the only one who feels like this x

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Of course, this is a personal view, but to me “closure” seems to be a modern buzz word as if afterwards we will all suddenly feel better, I’ve never felt better. But it’s a steady journey of big steps, little steps, mostly forward but occasionally backwards. We both hated the ritual element, sometimes morbid

My own approach for my wife was a private, unattended, cremation, but I went anyway and stood outside with her dogs in the crematorium garden and said my personal goodbyes.
For everybody else I organised a buffet and we remembered her with stories, songs, a few tears but lots of hugs and laughs.

But it’s important to do what we personally decide. Good luck

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Could not agree more Tykey. “closure” is an overused and simplistic word used when referring to grief. Xxx

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I didnt mean it was the end of grieving. I found it to be just the beginning. But it is a full stop. It finalises things and make you aware of your loss.

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@Mandy42

Hey Mandy, sending love to you and your sister. Honestly losing your mum is the worst experience ever. My mum died in May and I don’t really know how my dad and I have got this far. Like time and grief merge into something few and far between and life becomes 2 separate lines. One before and one after and they never cross but you’ve existed in both.

Life feels very strange, even still now. Honestly I don’t think moving on is an option, not really. How can you move on from someone so pivotal and important to your existence? I don’t feel it’s possible. You don’t really move on, you move with. Grief is with you forever now and some days it’s heavier than others and honestly I feel it almost gets worse the further you drift away from when it was fresh. The ache becomes deeper and the pain becomes inflicted into your bones.

The trauma is something so deep that no one can understand until they’ve experienced it. I find grief really lonely as I find no one truly understands me. I sometimes feel it’s only me, even though my dad has lost her too. She was different to each of us. A different part to each of us in our lives. But the whole unit is broken now that she’s gone. It was solid because of her she now it’s holding on by a thread. It’s truly really devastating x

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Exactly right. It is incredibly lonely x