Oh MoBO I really feel for you . What a useless counsellor he seems to have been. To keep interrupting! Like he is so superior and not even interested in your feelings. Unfortunately tho it is not easy with mental health, I now just scoff when I hear that message “ just ask there is help out there” when all you read is people begging for help, another box gets ticked but that seems to be all that gets done, no one has the answers unfortunately. When it comes to losing a child no one gets it unless it’s happened to them.
I had to pay private for counselling and at least she listened, but in the end even tho I fought it all I could, I ended up barely functioning so gave up and saw my Dr for anti depressants. They aren’t happy pills and take weeks to work, they have to build up in your system , it’s not like taking a pain killer for a headache it’s more like when you have a deficiency or something needs to be rebalanced , you can feel yourself Settle a bit , the cotton wool in your head seems to fade a little and you can function a bit better, but it doesn’t take any of the grief away.
I was only on them for about 9 months and had no problems coming off them just reduced dose over a few weeks. However if I go back to that stuck, unable to process ,black heavy, brain again I will go back on them.
The feelings you are feeling are the same as other mothers on here, they are unbearable feelings you could never imagine before and we feel we will never get through this. Two and a half years and I can’t pretend it gets easier . It’s not fair, it’s not right , it’s agony, how are we supposed to go on , what’s the point,? All questions I am still asking myself , no answers, but we have to go on, for others if not for ourselves , even though sometimes I think they would probably better off without me. Grief is the price we pay for love apparently , easy to say , but what a price when you are a mother and have that inbuilt protective instinct . With me it’s all the guilt that comes with it, could I have done better , I should have done better . Surely he would still be here now if I had got it all right.
I have to let go some time, I know , but it’s a work in practice.
I tell myself , be patient, Just keep breathing and get through another day, maybe we will find a reason some meaning or understand some day for this awful journey we are going through. Remember you are not alone, although it does feel like it sometimes.
MoBe been thinking off you as I’ve not been on here much last few days.
I’m feeling ok ready for another funeral unfortunately but being strong for my partner like he was for me.
Have you thought about seeing another counsellor if you can.
I feel your pain and heartache. At the moment I’m stronger than ever…good whilst it lasts.
You can do this and you will do it for your daughter. Day by day.
Big hugs xx
@MJG when is the funeral?
It’s amazing how strong we can be, until we’re not. I think people think we’re ok and coping because we put a front on, I found my daughter’s funeral surreal. I don’t recognise who I was that day, how I got through it. I’m thinking of you and how hard this all must be for you. I know you’re being strong for your partner but take time for you to grieve too. @Jss I haven’t seen my GP at all. He came to our home to see my daughter but I resented him being there, I know they visit terminally ill patients weekly (at the end) so they can complete the death certificate, so now I hate the bastard, not his fault, I know, but I hate the world so why not him too?
I think I’m done with counselling. No one can fix me, no one can help, no one can bring her back. 14 weeks, 12 hrs and 20mins.
I miss her so much.
Hi MoBe, the funeral is Thursday, same crematorium as we went to for my son. Yes strong I am trying to be. This I hope will make you giggle… I feel at the moment Im a coconut…hard to crack on the outside but soft on the inside. Unless people really know me they have no idea I am actually a very caring person underneath. I almost feel I have a guard round my body to protect myself. It’s my coping mechanism. My partner is really struggling, he looks so lost and sad and keeps saying he is dreading Thursday.
Maybe try counselling again in a few months or find a different counsellor. I can’t comment on counselling as I haven’t had it and will do things my way.
I used to count the weeks but realised it wasn’t helpful for me. Is it helping you by counting days, hours, minutes I’m not sure.
Hope you are going to the cafe still. Take care xx
I’m so sorry to hear what’s happened to you and yours. My daughter died almost 2 years ago. The shock and trauma is painful beyond description and it is trauma on top of grief. It’s nothing short of devastation. I knew very quickly that I needed outside help and it’s hard to find the energy just for the search for help. One of the things that helped most was Compassionate Friends. Once I contacted them they ‘scooped me up’. They found me a Grief Companion and she’s lost a child too, she ‘gets it’. They are all parents like us. Through her I now know other parents too, like me and you. Before that I thought I was just weak for not coping. It doesn’t take the pain away but it did show me somehow it’s possible to survive. Eventually I noticed there were moments when I thought of something else, literally moments. I felt guilty that I could be distracted even for those few moments. In the early days just breathing felt painful. I felt I was in a sea of agony and yearning. That feeling does abate tho it seems impossible. I got counselling and I was lucky, my counsellor was really good. Like most people I didn’t realise that losing your child is the worst thing to try and live with but somehow, over time it’s possible to function and even sometimes to be happy. It’s definately one moment to moment and then one hour to hour and day by day. I tell you from my heart and my experience that it doesn’t stay as totally overwhelming as the early days. Everyone’s different but sharing with others who have experienced it too can give a bit of comfort and take away a bit of the feeling that nobody understands. My Grief Companion is now a friend and that bond with someone who gets it is priceless. Being on this website has helped too. For now tho please remember that the awful grief which seems unbearable is ‘normal’. It’s because you love them. You are still a parent even tho your child has died. You remain their parent forever and that wont change. Your love goes on forever. Sending love and hugs xxxxxxx
@Nell2 I have contacted compassionate friends and have a meeting scheduled for this week. Already they seem so much better because the lady I’m meeting signed off saying if I can’t make it that’s ok, she understands.
Your message is so understanding too, thank you.
This space has been a life line for me, it’s so good to have others who are sharing this grief but also devastating that there are so many of us.
I feel so consumed by it all.
Sorry this is a late response but just seen what you say about the weight of loss on your back. I recognise that, when my girl died I felt like she was physically on my back but out of reach. That went on for some time and slowly diminished. I’m not sure why it happened but I guess it’s a trauma/grief response in our body cos our emotions and thoughts are overloaded. It did pass tho and I think it goes into the ‘normal’ but very painful category of pain when you lose a child. I think trauma is a serious issue when someone loses a child. Lots of people who haven’t experienced it think you can pull yourself together and that losing a child is like losing a parent. It’s not like that, these were children we created and they went before us. That’s not something we could plan for. You aren’t alone in your feelings, they resonate with me and I bet with many on here. Xxxxxxx
It went really well thank you. No tears from me, my partner he was ok until we got outside then cracked. We left like I did for my sons before everyone else came out. Thank you for messaging me, so kind.
How are you feeling. Feel free to pm anytime.
Big hugs to you xx
xx