Is it just me?

Losing a parent
1

Hi all,
Please tell me im not strange?
My Mum passed away very suddenly in October. She flew out to Spain with my Dad on a Friday to enjoy their 2 week holiday and got taken ill that same night. I flew out the following day and she passed away on the Sunday. She was sedated in ICU when I said my goodbyes. As you can imagine it was quite a shock. My mum and dad were together 40+ years.

I guess since then I’ve been through various stages of grief that I recognise and had the few first experiences such as birthday, Christmas and mother’s day. My parents house is 5 minutes from me. I live with my husband and I have a brother who’s about 45 minutes from us. My dad has become heavily reliant on me and my husband. My husband moreso. My husband has been amazing with my Dad, going round there sitting with him when I’m at work (I do 12 hour shift work) making sure he has shopping etc. We have dinner with him twice a week as well as general chit chat most days.
The problem I have is that not only do I feel that part of me died along with my Mum but I also feel very estranged from my Dad and out of my mum and Dad I probably was closer with my Dad in previous years and now I’ve never felt so apart from him. I dont want to see him nor anyone else. I have no interest in doing things and I think its partly because i would feel guilty if i did have fun. My friendships have changed too. I just can’t be happy no matter how much I try. I laugh in the right moments but yet I do not feel genuine happiness anymore. Its like im playing a part and im purely acting for other peoples benefits. I know I’m more callous and matter of factual speaking now when it comes to issues too. I think that’s partly because I think I’ve experienced one of the worst things in life so anything else can’t be as bad.

Probkem is, my dad shuts me down when I try and speak to him about my feelings. He just tells me some passing reassuring line like it will be ok and don’t worry yet he can sit there and reminisce and cry freely. I feel like I can’t grieve around him for fear of upsetting him further or being shut down so I’m guessing I’ve finally shut down my emotion.

I feel emotionless yet I can cry, I feel numb yet I really do hurt. I can sit in a room with the people I love but yet feel so alone and empty.

My husband says he misses his wife… at the moment no matter how hard I try, I just cannot bring her back.

2

Hi Mia, I’m so sorry about your Mum, it must have been such a shock, I think you need some help, either counselling and maybe some anti depressants, you need to get in touch with your GP and explain how how you are feeling, it’s hard not being able to discuss how you feel with your Dad, he is obviously grieving as well, but you need to be able to grieve as well, hopefully you will get some help and reassurance from this site, Jude xx

3

Thanks Jude. I’ve signed up for the counselling service Sue Ryder offers and hope that will help and will look into further things if I need to with my GP.

I recognise that I cant continue like this and will only detoriate if I don’t do something now. I’m also pregnant with my first child and really want to be positive and look forward to everything that is to come. X

1 Like
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So sorry to hear of your loss. In part I can relate - I lost my Mum on 14 March. Since my Mum’s death Dad has been very much wanting to talk about her, what she was like etc but was no help (refused to talk about it) when it came to funeral arrangements etc. Grief does hit people differently and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. I think it’s harder for fathers because they (rightly or wrongly) are cast in the protecting rather than nurturing role. This means that your Dad’s instinct to seeing you sad is to try to make the pain go away regardless if that’s helpful or not. Given the circumstances you face grief counseling may help you understand your feelings better.

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I’m so sorry for your loss too Ryan.
I’ve signed up for counselling through Sue Ryder. Strangely enough I feel better just booking it and I’m very much that person that feels like I can deal with it without extra help but I think it will do me good anyway.
My original post was very much one of my bad phases and things seem to be getting easier with adjusting. I’ve since spoken to my Dad about how I feel and he is being a lot more helpful too and recognises that I have been struggling and noticed a difference within me. Thanks for taking time out to respond :slight_smile:

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I’m really pleased you’ve taken the step of trying to arrange counselling. I’ve done the same although not sure how long it will take and I realise there’s many folk in need.