Before my husband died 6 months ago, I’d get up to get the children off to school, then go shopping or do housework etc. Now I’m finding I’m doing the bare minimum. I will get the children to school, but then go back to bed, where I’ll spend most of my day, watching tv or scrolling through my phone.
I seem to have little to no motivation anymore. Everything feels quite forced and pointless. I work twice a week so that helps but it’s on the days I don’t have anything planned, I struggle to know what I should be doing.
For the first 3 months I had anxiety so bad so I couldn’t lye down as I was too restless. Now I just find I can’t keep distracting myself by shopping and spending money I don’t have. It’s cold and miserable most days and bed seems like a more attractive option, although I do feel guilty like I should probably get up.
I still do household chores but again I don’t go looking for them. I used to love cooking and would prepare healthy, homemade meals from scratch. Now I go for convenient foods like pizza, I can just Chuck in the oven.
I don’t know whether I’m depressed or it’s just part of grief.
its a bit of both. l get up, do my bits of chores, throw a dinner in the oven, go back to bed. thats me for the day.
It’s how you are coping with your grief
I was the same when I loss my husband I felt save in my bed in my wee bubble
I did find I needed a purpose in life as my life was looking after my husband he had gone
Work helped me it made me get up in the morning get dressed
When your body is ready you will be able to do more
You might need some help speak to your doctor they are the experts to get the support that you may need
Thanks, I just didn’t know if you’re supposed to rest and go with it or force yourself to stay up and do stuff.
Hello Kat1984, I too spend almost all of the day in bed. I do not see any point to stay up all day. (I only heat 2 rooms now anyway.) I thinks we are supposed to rest. If not, why does our brain stop us doing any work at home? My brain even stops me sorting out my brother’s clothes. (I have tried and failed.) - Take care Kat1984 and listen to your brain, don’t force it. I don’t. I go for walks in the park instead. - Take care. Nick
Thank you. Yes, if I clean my daughters room which would normally take me an hour before, it can take me most of the day now. Everything is exhausting.
The heating is also why I’d rather go to bed. It’s warmer.
I lost my husband suddenly in June 22 ,
The best thing l did was go back to work, if I had not l know l would have crumbled and who would be there for my son. Also l don’t think my son who l promised my husband l would look after . It helped me and I admit it was hard at first but I am glad I did it because l could feel myself sinking xx
That’s the problem I only work 2 days a week. I can’t work anymore at the minute due to childcare issues and being taxi for my daughter who’s at college. 4 days would probably be best.
I it’s hard just be kind to yourself xxx
It’s been two weeks today for me and I barely get out of bed most days. When I have people here or when I go down to his family I struggle to sit there making small talk to br honest. People constantly asking if I’m ok, have you eaten, are you sleeping all gets a bit annoying at times. His mam is the worst, she’s always been someone who has to talk constantly even if it’s things we’ve discussed a hundred times before bless her. It’s something she’s always done. I went down there for an hour today, we were watching loose women and tbh I didn’t feel like talking, she kept asking me if I was ok every ten minutes, do you want another coffee when I hadn’t even finished the first one, what did you eat yesterday, what have you had today, just little things trying to make conversation really. I feel like such a horrible person but after she asked me if I was ok for about the sixth time I said yes I’m fine, I’m going now anyway and I came back home to bed. I’ve never been one to sit there and try and make pointless small talk anyway but since my partner has died I’ve been a lot worse. Hopefully I won’t be like this for much longer because I know I’m just being horrible and rude I just can’t help it at the minute
It’s difficult but it’s still very early days for you. At 2 weeks I felt like I was on another planet.
After 3 months around Christmas, work colleagues invited me to Starbucks to catch up, thankfully they didn’t ask overly about everything with me, they started talking about one of the girls wild holidays she’d been having, getting close to lots of different Turkish waiters. I felt so detached listening to them talk, my heart just wasn’t in it. For a long while I had to fake being there mentally and still do sometimes. My mum is always telling me her silly worries and I do shamefully zone out.
I just find that everything most people talk about seems really pointless in the grand scheme of things. I hate being this way too.
Your hurting you are allowed to feel like this
So please do what you feel is best for you
Everyone else around you are getting on with their life
You can’t not right now you have loss your husband
I remember not long after my husband died my sister in law asked me if I was going on holiday !
Holiday I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die she didn’t get it
Other people don’t get it - when you have loved someone so much you don’t just get over it
When David died I wrote in a journal that helped me cope with my grief
I could be angry write things that I could never say to anyone
That may help you Kat
In time you will get stronger but right now just take tiny steps
Keep sharing on here we will not judge you
We all are in the same boat
Thank you so much. It’s hard not to beat yourself up isn’t it? I’ve found that along with grief we’ve had many more illnesses since he died, I read that grief can also lower the immune system.
I started my gym membership again but that was hard, as I used to go to the gym a lot with my husband. So just stepping in there was a constant reminder of how everything has changed. I force myself to go, but I’m not sure what’s right. Forcing yourself to do stuff in hope it brings you happiness eventually, or just to rest and allow yourself to be sad. Maybe it’s a bit of both? Xx