My Mum sadly passed away last New year’s day after a 20 year illness. It’s a difficult time of year to lose someone as other people are so happy – fireworks going off, people wishing each other happy new year etc. My Dad and I cared for Mum for many years which we did willingly out of love but it was extremely stressful at times as there’s not much support out there.
As we’d been caring for so many years, after Mum passed I intended to take my father away for a break but because of Covid of course we couldn’t go anywhere. I’ve been working from home since March and we’ve only been out to get food, medical stuff etc or for exercise. We haven’t been into non essential shops, pubs/restaurants or gone anywhere outside a few miles from our homes since last March. Yet even though I’m grieving for Mum I seem to be the person that people seem to like to moan to. At the end of the day we’re all in the same boat with Covid and I’m anxious as my Dad is elderly but the people who moan to me about the terrible year have not had to go through a bereavement or not suffered anything more than normal like a severe illness or losing their job or struggling to care for someone – they’re just moaning about restrictions on their lives like they can’t go on holiday, can’t go shopping etc. I haven’t had a holiday since 2006 so it makes me upset when people use Covid as a way to moan to me about their lives. Why choose to moan to someone who has gone through a bereavement?
I’m not sure the above makes any sense but am just getting sick of it. I just feel like screaming at them which I’d never actually do I just don’t understand why they don’t moan someone else as it’s exacerbating my grief. I’ve never burdened another person with my problems esp not someone who has had a worse time than me. Any ideas folks?
the only solution I can think of is to give them a massive slap in the knickers. Or if over virtual means put the phone down. I think we’re going to have to be rude to these people.
I just made the mistake of going on Facebook only to see all the moaning about what a terrible year due to little Billy’s tournament was cancelled or holiday or blah blah. like you say, it sickens me.
Anyway probably that was terrible advice because if we did that to all the annoying people we’d have no-one left!
So yes I don’t know but I am very sorry you hear what you have endured already and just wanted to let you know I read you post and I’m on your side!
I think your reaction is perfectly normal. Some people are very tactless and unthinking. 2020 has been a bad year but that doesn’t give people the right to dump on you. I suppose you have the choice of not replying and gritting your teeth or saying something in a tactful way. Unfortunately you may have to be prepared for a non apology or a reply you don’t want. I came across another thread called “Handling tactless comments”. Not sure if anything on there may help as I haven’t read it all. If you no longer want a friendship with these people maybe silence is the best answer?
Thanks FleurDeLis. Your reply certainly brought a smile to my face and thanks for your post. I inwardly seethe which is no good and part of me then thought am I being oversensitive. But I rarely share my problems with anyone and wouldn’t moan to someone who has had a worse time of it so part of me thinks well why should I put up with their behaviour. I’m thinking about a well worded reply to some of them.
Thanks Marnie. I’ll have a look at the thread you mentioned. Given the heading of that thread obviously others have been upset by the remarks of people. Isn’t it sad that people who are going through a hard time have to put up with others bad behaviour. Thanks again for your reply.
Hi Seren, this is my first message on here. I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 3 years ago and I feel like my grief only gets worse with time, as everything sinks in.
One thing I have noticed is that I have lost all the patience I ever had. I’m a lot more brutally honest than I ever have been because of the same issues you’re experiencing. Inconsiderate, selfish, ignorant, tactless people, who are in fact all around us - you can’t escape them! My advice would be, depending on your mood, of course, to be honest. I think it’s important that people are told when they’re being insensitive. It raises awareness in my opinion and may even embarrass them.
I came off all social media since my dad passed away because I suddenly became really protective of my privacy - I also think it eliminates the chance of reading people’s ignorance and the rubbish they put out there. It’s definitely given me more time to spend reading books, planting outside and just being present.
Hope some of that helps!
Bea
I’m sick of it too, your annoyance is totally understandable. I lost my wonderful sister nearly 11 weeks ago in a RTA through no fault of her own, she was only in her early 30’s… we had a card from one of my husband’s best friends with a hand written note ‘Have a lovely Christmas!’ And have been wished a ‘Happy New Year’ by several friends on WhatsApp… I am in disbelief, I don’t think I will ever have a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year again let alone this year.
When people say they’ve had the ‘worst year ever’ because they couldn’t go on holiday or missed out on baby groups or couldn’t see their family for a few weeks… try a whole lifetime ahead without seeing a loved one again who was taken from this world too soon x
Honestly, since losing my dad, I just don’t enjoy life in general. There’s nothing that excites me or makes me want to be here. I’ve always been a very upbeat, positive person and I’m starting to find it hard to keep my mask on.
We have a family group chat that my sister in law messaged on the other day saying “it’s been a shit year” and I honestly thought what a tone deaf ignorant person - I wish I could be a little more brutal with my responses to her. She has my amazing brother who is so hands on with their little girl and works very hard. She has just bought a new car, a new phone, doesn’t work. Her year has apparently been crap because her IVF wasn’t successful. Instead of being grateful for what she has she is having a moan about what she doesn’t. She’s never lost anyone close to her so I understand she doesn’t quite get it. All I ask is that people close to me just have a think before they speak. People assume as it’s been a few years that everything goes back to normal…
Thank you Bea. I’m very sorry to hear about your Dad too. I can see you’ve written 2 messages so I guess this is a reply to both.
Part of me wants to block people and another part of me wants to explain. Sometimes I wonder how they’ve got to be an adult and still have the unawareness of a toddler. You’re right though that if you give them an explanation at least it may make them aware. In the past if I’ve known someone has had a bereavement recently I’ve never wished them a happy Christmas or anything because you know they’re not going to have a happy one so I’ve always written something like “I hope you have a peaceful Christmas” or “will be thinking of you”. Yet I’ve had cards wishing me a “Merry Christmas” and texts pinging into my phone last night wishing me a happy new year when it’s the 1st anniversary of Mum’s passing. I’ve even had messages on cards and on social media (although these are private messages and not on public viewing) either not mentioning my Mum at all or mentioning her in a few words and then using that as a “prop” to talk about themselves (like sorry to hear about your Mum but on a happier note I’m pregnant) or even to just moan and cry about the fact that they haven’t had their normal 3 holidays this year due to Covid.
I’m sorry to hear about your sister in law. It’s utterly unbelievable. It’s hard to know where to start with someone who is that selfish and self centred.
It makes me annoyed even more when I read that others like yourself have experienced the same as me.
Thank you for your reply HeartBroken and am really very sorry to hear about your sister.
I know people like yourself who have had dreadful years on top of the Covid situation – people who have had bereavements (including some who were unable to attend their parent’s funeral as it was lockdown and the funeral was the other side of the country), people who are young and have terminal illnesses plus you hear of others who have lost their jobs and livelihoods so when people moan about “nonsense” stuff like holidays and they can’t go out where they want it makes me so upset.
Like you I had cards wishing me a “Merry Christmas” which is something I’ve never done to anyone who has had a recent bereavement and had messages pinging into my phone last night wishing me a happy new year (on the anniversary of my mother’s passing). After bereavements I’ve had in the past I thought I’d become used to people’s tactlessness but I now realise I haven’t. I had a message last night from someone who said they’ve hated this year and were crying – yet they haven’t suffered anything (apart from the normal Covid stuff which is affecting everyone). They haven’ had a bereavement, they’re not on their own, they haven’t lost their job, they’ve had a few holidays in the UK so all in all they’ve had a far better year than you or I yet they chose the anniversary of my Mum’s passing to moan about themselves. I agree with you - try leading a life without people you love or who was taken too soon.