Six and a half months now since my Richard has been gone and hand on heart not one day has passed that i have not cried, shed tears or gone to pieces and bawled my eyes out… even i never knew i had so many tears…
When is my crying going to end, it is not doing my MS any favours, just all this stress has made it progress…As the late Ella Fitzgerald sang…" Cry Me A River, " well somewhere out there you will find a new ocean…
I dont know about your crying,but I know mine wont ever stop,as what ever happens in the future Jayne will always be in my heart body and soul.and the love and life we shared for all those years gave me an unbreakable bond. if anyone thinks thats not healthy please keep your opinions to your self.hope you find the strength to live life that makes you feel good.
I’ve had 4 sessions with a counsellor and last week I asked her, when will my crying stop? I said to her it’s making me ill, my eyes are permanently sore and most importantly its not bringing my mum back.
She told me not to even think about it or ask the question. She said it al does its put internal pressure on myself.
Instead I’m to focus on where I have improved over recent weeks. The fact that I’m eating better, the fact that I’m sleeping better etc.
So since my appointment I havent asked the question. I just take each day as it comes.
Jackie love I don’t think it ever will end. Next month it will be a year since I lost my beloved Brian and I haven’t had a day without tears. Some days worse than others but still tears. I also had tears for months before I lost him as I knew the end was coming and I have now become accustomed to having these moments, to expecting them. I am now becoming angry as there must be some respite out there to help us. I’m doing everything I can to find some peace. I keep busy, I exercise, garden, walk, it all gives a short spell of peace but nothing lasting. I am becoming a total worrier and this just isn’t me. I told my daughter (who lives in Spain) that I was struggling and she said “Your the strongest person I know mother you’ll get through it”. Was she really talking about me cause I haven’t a clue where that strong person is now. I was told at the weekend, yet again!!! you will come through this. Ha, how and when would be useful to know.
I wrote in my journal this morning and my anger at being left like this really showed. I don’t plan what I write I just say what comes into my head at that time. I could always rely on Brian so where is he now when I need him.
Sorry to all those fellow sufferers for being negative today but I know you all understand, your the only people that do and non of us have to put on that ‘face’ for each other.
God bless Pat xxx
Sorry for the confusing heading but i know my tears, my crying, my outbursts will never stop, just my figment on words…whether six months, a year, two years will be the same for me, that i am positive of…oh and to be honest i dont even want my crying to stop, maybe a breather yes…but as long as i have eyes, they will shed their tears for the sudden loss of my Richard…,
i too am angry with Richard at times as to why he did not listen to me, my words, why did he continue to ignore what i kept saying to him about this and that, his nasty cough,which supposedly turned out to be COPD, although at the end we both had our doubts once we were told of his coming open heart surgery that he was told about just before Christmas, only it couldnt be done until they rectified his lack of iron ( iron infusion…) I had previously told him about his lack of face colour, he always had had a glow to his cheeks, which turned out to be anaemia, if only he had acted on what i kept telling him just maybe he would still be here now…
three and a half years after losing mum and i find myself still crying on a daily basis. I have found no solution to this and just end each day and week with disappointment and frustration. Resolving to find ‘an’ answer has not been successful. I just go round in circles.
Perhaps, maybe if, could I have done so and so, would it have made a difference if only if only??? All these thoughts run through the mind like a herd of elephants. But it’s all a natural response to grief. I doubt there is a human anywhere that does not regret something and feel guilt. It’s often the case that we punish ourselves unconsciously for what we think we should have done.
So many questions are unanswerable. We dash around in our minds looking and looking but all we get is more confused. Peace can only come to a quiet mind. Oh yes, now I can imagine what that statement will do! How do I get a quiet mind when I am in this awful turmoil? That’s another of those questions that seem to have no answer.
But all our efforts at trying to ‘control’ events and emotions have come to naught. So why not try to allow things to happen rather than trying to force them? We may be like a sailing ship in a storm. Instead of turning into the wind and waiting it out, we put on more sail and head for the rocks. It may not be a good analogy but it fits.
It’s coming up to a year since my wife died. I still feel lonely and tired, but I am moving ahead slowly toward that light out there. God, it’s not easy is it, but progress is being made. Blessings.
Hi Jonathan, what wise words and so true. Guilt, yes, that is so prominent in my thoughts these days. I sometimes wonder if I’m being punished.
I am trying to make myself go with the flow. Not try to stop the worrying or trying to make sense of things but just let the things happen and get through each day. Hard as it may be.