I’m wondering why, given almost everyone who lives is going to experience the horror of grief at some point, we aren’t better prepared for it. The consensus seems to be you have a tough few weeks then get back to normal. Only when you actually endure it do you comprehend how agonising and permanent it is. With any other kind of pain you at least have hope of improvement. With this, all you have is the distant prospect of getting used to your new life of pain. We should really discuss it more as a society so we can offer more to the grieving than a few days off work and a cursory “sorry for your loss”.
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Hi Jack,
I completely agree with you. I lost my dad in Nov, 8 weeks after a cancer recurrence. My dad is my best friend in the world and the person I feared losing the most. I feel like my life has been blown apart. One minute happy and the next it seems like it’s gone in the blink of an eye.
No one prepares you for the agony of losing a parent. When my dad died I was told ‘be strong’ and that he would ‘want me to go on’. I know all of this but it doesn’t help me. My dad would hate seeing me in the despair that I feel but it’s not that simple to just adjust to a new life that i didn’t want without one of the people that I love the most.
I had no experience of losing someone so close to me before this but my experience doesn’t feel the same as people I know in my life. I don’t have many friends who have lost parents yet but people I do know seem to have been able to carry on without bursting into tears every minute of the day like me. This makes me question if there is something wrong with me.
The councellor I have spoken to said grief varies depending on your relationship with the person. My brother isn’t grieving the same way as he wasn’t as close to my dad. My mum has lost her husband of nearly 50 years and I am trying to support her but she has said that the grief I am experiencing is heartbreaking. I feel like it’s a problem with me that I can’t just function like I did before.
Lack of hope is one of the things I am struggling with most. Any other issue I have had before I always knew it would get better and I could do something to fix it. This isn’t the same. I hope in time that the pain lessens because its three months tomorrow since losing dad and it’s excruciating. I fear that this is just how my life will be now, carrying around pain and sadness and longing for someone and a life that I treasured that I’ll never get back.
The only place I feel understood is on here as I know people feel the same sense of loss. Grief should be talked about in schools and the workplace like mental health is because it’s so isolating.
Xx
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Hi Jack. I agree totally. Our society just doesn’t know how to respond to grief. When I lost mum 19 weeks ago people rallied around me. Then, day by day the support started to wane…then vanish completely. Even my best friend is nowhere to be seen. It must be because people don’t know how to react to loss… so they say/ do nothing, probably for fear of hurting us. Ironically, they hurt us more by being silent. Grief should be talked about, not brushed under the carpet. As you say, all of us will suffer grief sooner or later and yet our society blocks it out… it’s as though we have to be happy in this society… no sadness or pain allowed. I think social media is in part to blame. Its so frustrating! 
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@Katherine86 you express so eloquently exactly how I feel about losing my dad. I literally ache for all the happy times we had as a family, and just the two of us, and the certainty that it is gone forever is a pain like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I feel terror at the prospect of decades ahead of me, and the knowledge that they’ll include the loss of my mum too at some point is even more horrific. I genuinely feel that if I was told I only have a couple of years left, I’d be quite happy, not that I’d ever do anything to hasten it and impose more grief on my family. You’re right that it should be taught in schools and understood more by employers, rather than skirted around as a “morbid” topic.
Thanks for your reply, it’s made me feel a bit less alone in this nightmare. Sending thoughts and strength in yours. 
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@Kate111 I think those who haven’t been through this yet cannot possibly understand it. I don’t think I had a clue until it happened to me. Thinking back to friends who have lost their parents, I’ve probably been guilty of just going through the motions with them too. Maybe we just don’t want to dwell on the horror of what lies ahead for us all. But I definitely think employers and society in general should have a greater understanding of the devastating, life-changing nature of grief, rather than make people feel weak or inadequate for not being “back to normal” in a fortnight.
Thanks for your reply. Sending thoughts and strength
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Hi Jack,
Thanks for your message. I can relate to what you say. I feel like losing a parent takes so much from us. It’s not just the loss of the person, but the loss of your life as you knew it along with all the hopes that you had of a future with the person. Its completely debilitating.
I also find the prospect of decades and more loss daunting. My dad was my everything and the sadness makes me want to be wherever he is. There is no intent but just a longing for him more than my current existence. My dad certainly does not want this for me and he told me I must go on.
I didn’t think I would be able to function in a world without my dad and as painful and difficult as it is I am going to keep moving my feet and look after my mum like he told me to. I’m just going to try and focus on getting through today and know that there are other people doing the same.
Keep reaching out.
Xx
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