My husband died two and a half months ago now. He was the love of my life, and we were together for 35 years
I can remember lots of good times and the love and pride in his voice and expression when he used to introduce me as his wife. He always knew that I was there for him, loved him, and would do my best for him. The last words he ever said were, “I love you” and “Thank you”.
However, since he died, I still can’t talk about him at all, although I want to. If I try, I just break down and cry. Is this normal behaviour? Even writing this has created enough tears to saturate two man sized tissues.
Yes it’s normal. You are still very early in your grief. I’m 16 months in and memories or talking about Sue can make me cry. I was still a wreck at that time.
Remember it’s your journey, there is no wrong or right way to grieve. There is no time line to follow, just do what is right for you.
All I want to do is talk about my husband but then I cant get the words out. I feel so stupid and uncomfortable but I just want to hear people say his name.
Hi Stealaway, It has been five months for me and I still cry when talking about my wife, especially if It is with people I don’t know. It has got a lot easier though as at two months I would just find It imposible
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Sorry for your loss. Not being able to talk about your husband without crying is perfectly normal. I’m 8 months down the grief road and I’m still like that, I can’t even look at his photos without getting upset. I’ve just had a meltdown because the grass has gone all patchy in the garden. He always kept it so well and I feel I’ve let him down. My gardener just isn’t as good as my partner was. Grief does terrible things to you, makes you crazy and irrational. I guess it’s all part of the process. I hope over the coming months you’ll be able to talk about him without crying. Take care.
Hi Stealaway, everything is normal in this awful grief. I want to talk about my Norm all the time, trouble is no one else does apart from on this site. The only thing I`ve learnt about grief so far is that weirdly it is so common yet so different for all of us. Wishing you some peace for the coming night.
Helen
Dear Norma!
Last week I was talking with a neighbor over the fence, probably first talk we had since his family started living next to me and it has been a long time. He offered to cut the grass in my garden and my first thought in my mind: was: “Where have you been when my most beloved husband died and you didn’t come to my door to say words of comfort or ask me how I was doing or if I needed some help?” However I rather left. This wouldn’t change anything at all…
Janka
Your comment really resonates with me. I find so many people try to change the subject and can’t handle it if I start to talk about my husband. I’m lucky because both my sons are happy to talk to me about him.
Hi. Its strange how people react. I have a friend,I used to go off with her once or twice a week ,shopping ,garden centres etc. I have hardly seen her .I was thinking this morning is it her or is it me? Have I changed so much ,I know Im a lot quieter. She has been a widow for four years, I thought she would understand.
Sometimes I think I have been transported to another universe,everything is so strange and difficult..
Oh, how true this is! So many people said that they feel my sadness, promised me some help and told me to do not show me their backs at all. In the beginning it was like that, we were helping each other, then I felt as time went by that it bothered them more and more and they either wanted to help when I only paid them or they disappeared completely. Now when I remind them what they said, they only find excuses how busy they are and nothing happens. A few of them are still trying to help somehow, but they are so busy that I stopped begging them. Strangers sometimes help more than those you’re waiting for and help comes unexpectedly from them. That’s why I miss my best friends living 10 000 km from me which have been in my life for decades and now they at least try to help me at a distance. Their words help better than people here who even don’t have time to meet me. If I see them once a month, I’m glad, but mostly they are on the phone only and it’s not the same. This country has such a different mentality, I still feel like a stranger here. Americans that I’ve met don’t mean what they say seriously. They say a lot of compliments, they make you feel that they like you and they are always here for you, but when I really need a help, I can barely get it. Everything is very expensive here, medical care is poor if you’re not rich and friendships actually don’t exist the way I’ve known in my country. Many neighbors have a huge family, so they don’t need any addition to it. It’s extremely difficult when I stayed alone in a foreign country without my most beloved husband who was my whole world…
Janka
Hi Janka, America is a great place to start a business and make money but it can be very difficult as well. People with normal jobs do many more hours work than in Europe and if you don’t have proper insurance an illness can break a families finances. We take it for granted in Europe that health and education are free but it is a godsend for those who don’t make much money.
You have done amazingly to keep going without any support
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Hi, that’s tough for you but I wonder if your friend is finding that her own grief is being triggered by yours. I got breast cancer a few years ago and my sister behaved like this with me. She had had breast cancer herself a few years before and I had been there for her but she avoided me when I got ill. I think she just couldn’t cope with it. I have been lucky because I have a friend whose husband died 10 years ago that has been really kind and patient with me. I hope you will find kind people that will support you.
Sometimes I don’t know if to laugh or cry, Tom. In my country I went to Tesco that I could walk in till 10 pm every day and I bought 1 kg of fresh bread after 7 pm for 0,30 Eur from their bakery. Now I go to Safeway and only 1 roll costs 0,70 $ and finding a bread cheaper than 1,80 $ is impossible, because I don’t want anything with ending expiration like Walmart does. If you pay more in Europe, you’ll at least get the better quality though…
Janka
