Hi everyone I am caring for my wife at home and she is in the the last stages of her life, she truly is my one and only and has been for the last 40 years.
It is absolutely killing me inside, the problem is that whilst I have been caring for her at home, I have started to clear all of her clothes out as I won’t be able to cope when she dies seeing them in the house we have shared together. Am I a bad person for doing this or is it normal. I have explained to my grown up children and they say its OK as I have all my memories of the great life we’ve shared.
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It very difficult to watch a loved one reaching the end of their life. We cope in various ways. I don’t think clearing away her clothes is a bad thing. You can keep anything that is special. I packed my husband’s clothes into bags as soon as I got home from the hospital. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them - but I knew I did not want to look at them. I took some of them to a local man who had lost all his possessions in a house fire. He assured me that if he was ever in another fire he would be sure to grab the “special” sweater I gave him.
This is a very small way of preparing yourself for what is to come. It seems to me to be a wise & thoughtful decision. Nothing is normal near the end, or afterwards. Keep some items that might bring you comfort in the days to come. I have his leather jacket and his hat in my closet and always will…
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Hello Mad. I feel for you and the situation you’re in but of course you’re not a bad person, you’re actually the complete opposite you’ve lovingly been caring for your wife knowing what is to come. My partner passed away last Oct. after a year of battling cancer. I cared for her at home until the end . For various reasons that I have posted before I needed to sell our house fairly quickly because of that I was sorting out the house including her things less than a footnight after she went, It broke my heart to do it especially so soon after she’d gone and I too have posted on here how guilty I felt and how uncaring and heartless it seemed but I did’nt really have a choice. I think you are extremely brave to tackle this now realising that you won’t be able to cope afterwards. I’m pleased that your children seem to be supporting you in your decision. Nothing is normal or abnormal we all do and cope the best way we can for us. Please continue to post on here. You’ll get nothing but support. My best wishes to you.
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Thank you I feel better for you kind caring words. I know that when my wife of 41 years passes which will be any day now I’m not going to cope with looking at anything that reminds me of my loss. I have already documented our life together with thousands of photos on my hard drive and so they are there for my children and grandchildren. I have handed out any special items and her clothes are almost gone. I have saved some very personal small items which can safely be stored in a matchbox and apart from that my memories will live in my head forever. I think I’ve gone into survival mode as daft has it sounds.
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It’s not daft. Survival mode is what gets us through. We had a hard life with not too much (physical) to show for it…but we prided ourselves on the fact we were survivors.
I know I was starting to grieve before he was gone. I also know I was not prepared for how overwhelming this has been.
I think you have already started the “healing” process. I admire the way you are dealing with this transition. Because I was totally alone, I realized that I had to heal myself…tiny steps starting with eating (even though you aren’t hungry), going outside. Not even every day in the beginning but I just kept trying. I’m still working on it, but my steps are bigger now…
It’s a very strange piece, but I discovered Annie Lennox singing Dido’s Lament. The main phrase is “Remember me. Remember me and not my fate.” This brings me consolation through the bad memories…
My heart goes out to you…stay strong
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Thank you I feel better in knowing that I’m not alone in doing this.
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Hi Mad
I cleared out all my mums clothes the day after she suddenly died from a massive brain haemorrhage.
I was in complete shock and traumatised but I knew that I couldn’t see her clothes hanging up in her wardrobe as if she had just popped to the shops.
If it feels the right thing for you to do, then it probably is.
Cheryl x
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Thank you c1971 appreciate that.
Hi Mad
There is no right or wrong time, for me it was about 3 months after my husband died. I did feel guilty at using part of his wardrobe space, but I am glad a kept one or two of his special clothes. Now I often touch them or smell them and it gives me comfort and brings back memories of happy times.
I wish you well
Debbie X
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What is ‘normal’? You need to do whatever gives you the capacity to get through this. Thoughts are with you 
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Hi mad
As been said there no right or wrong , I too cared for my wife at the end and nothing can prepare you for the loss.I had my daughters to thank for clearing out Carole’s clothes we did it together ablnd decided to get some memory bears made from some of them .it’s a nice reminder if one was needed of the love of my life.
Take care and just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself
John
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Hi
It’s fine. Nothing is wrong or right, let’s face it who can tell us that? If it brings you comfort to dispose of her clothes in advance, just do it. It may help to give them to charity.
It took me a few months after my husband died but that was right for me. All I know is it was a relief.
Some people are totally opposite, years down the line they hold on to all their loved one’s clothes - and that is ok too.
I would advise however, keep what you do mainly to yourself or to other bereaved or suffering friends. Outsiders may not understand, they can be very brutally insensitive at times purely through ignorance and you don’t need that.
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Can’t agree more we’ll said
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