is this normal?

hello my mother died a week ago. We had quite a difficult relationship over many years. I did not have a difficult relationship with my father and when he died a few years ago I took it very badly and still miss him now. I have not taken the death of my mother badly at all. I am relieved because she had some good qualities but her bad qualities outweighed the good and I felt controlled and manipulated for 30 years. People have said to me how well I am coping and have even said as time goes on it will suddenly hit me. When my father died, my mother had this attitude towards his death and I could not understand how she could not feel anything. I understand how she felt now because I feel exactly the same. I have inherited some of her jewellery and to be honest I don’t want any of it. I will receive her wedding ring at the funeral and to be honest I don’t want it because her marriage to my father was a sham and she only stayed with him for appearances sake and really hated him an when he died she confessed to me that she was glad. Why then would I want to keep a wedding ring from a woman who hated her husband. My father did not even buy her the wedding. He bought her a different one but she did not like it and so went to the jewellers and saw the one she wanted and bought it and put it on. I have tried and tried to feel sad but I just cannot feel anything. My mother suffered with her health towards the end and I was genuinely sorry to see her suffer, but we never got on as mother and daughter and to be honest, her jewellery would only be a reminder of the arguments and accusations and the put downs. I have also inherited a bit of money and I will use that to take a trip somewhere which will do me good. Can anyone offer me some answers because I feel my attitude to her death is not normal. Thanks,

Hi my mother died last year (also my wife died this year ).There is no such thing a normal way to grieve .I had a very strained rerlationship with my mother.Idont think about her so i completely understand how you feel .As time goes on it might not hit you .Just take it a day at a time and concentrate on you .(I didnt say im sorry for your loss because you might not want to hear that)I understand the anger i feel that towards my mum at times .Your not an ogre your a human being that through life has been emotionally abused .Im sorry if ive offended you i dont mean to upset you .Priscilla (community manager ) shes awesome at helping could email her .Massive friend Hug Colin (57)

Hello Confused

Running on from what Colin says, whether grieving or not, there is no normal to meeting death. To me your reaction to your mother’s death sounds healthy and sane. To have had a loving relationship with one parent, as you with your father, is good - to have had it with both would have been an absolute bonus. I felt very little when my mother died, I sometimes thought that I could have handled things better but I couldn’t change the way she felt she had to deal with life, I just had to accept it and not judge. You don’t have to feel guilty. If I can presume, I think your father would like you to make the most of life.

All the best and kind regards, Alan

hi sorry your wife died. I am trying to think of some good times with my mum and trying to think of the positives about her and there were some.

I would just like to echo what Colin and Alan have said - there is no right or wrong way to grieve. How you are feeling sounds totally understandable given your relationship with your mother and the way that she treated you.

Sue Ryder’s article on coping with bereavement has a section on mixed feelings after a difficult relationship. It is only a short section, I’m afraid, but you might find it helpful to have a read.

I have also found this conversation from a little while back where users Owl and Charasi discuss losing a parent who they had a difficult relationship with:

You aren’t obliged to keep the ring if it has bad associations for you - you could consider selling it or giving it to another family member, or just put it away somewhere until you feel more able to decide.

I am glad to hear that you are planning to use the money to do something positive for yourself - I hope you have a good trip.