Is this normal?

My husband died suddenly 24 days ago. Every day is like hell. I feel as if I have been abandoned on another planet because I don’t know what I am doing sometimes. I can’t cope with everyday problems, they become huge disasters in my mind. I scraped the car on the driveway post and I broke down in tears, partly because I wasn’t aware that I had done it. It was definitely me and I feel as if I am losing my mind. I mowed the lawn and scalped it in places. I oversalted dinner and had to throw it away. If my son doesn’t respond to a text promptly I immediately panic that some fatal disaster has happened. The list goes on. My hands are shaking, I get breathless for no reason apart from sheer misery. I am so lonely that I try to distract myself by keeping as busy as possible in the house. I don’t have any family apart from my grown up son who doesn’t live with me and my daughter who has special needs and does live with me. Not many friends, we didn’t need them because we were happy in our own little world. My husband was an IT instructor so everything that could be is online and I haven’t got a clue but now I have to sort everything on my own and that is another thing to panic about. Is this normal behaviour at less than a month? Am I trying to run before I can walk? I don’t really have anyone to talk to apart from people here.


Willow everything you are describing is everything I feel too. I lost my beloved partner suddenly 8 weeks ago. I visibly shake, I am overwhelmed by the slightest problem, I struggle to make a decision and over react if people make a careless remark ( and I know they are only trying to help). It is such early days for us and everything is so raw. You are being too hard on yourself so please just take each hour as it comes. And please keep posting your thoughts on here. This community has been a lifeline for me :heart:


Oh @Willow112 and @jody

Please be assured that what you are going through is perfectly normal.

I’m 16 weeks in now and although I’m still grieving badly, I’m also starting to cope, a bit.

Please try to be kind to yourselves, take baby steps, one day at a time. Take any help and support you can get.

And keep posting on here, you’ll find everyone will understand, we’re all going through it. We’re all here for each other

Love and big hugs
Liz x


What you described is normal and expected. Your world has changed in a heart beat. Your security blanket has gone and everything is overwhelming.
You will need time to adjust to what is in effect your new life. Take each hour, day, at a time. Don’t think of the bigger picture as that will be too much. Take one thing at a time as they need sorting, whatever it is, it can be sorted but might take a little longer as you have to work it out alone.
Decisions will be difficult, as the out come rest on your shoulders now and that’s hard.

Like you, my partner died suddenly at 49 of a cardiac arrest. You are in the early days and it takes time. The first year kind of passes in a blur, everything is too much but you will get glimmers of hope and days in between the pain where you almost feel like you can cope. The grief comes in waves, some waves small, others will knock you off your feet. Every step forward and every day that passes, pushes you to better calmer days.

There’s no end but it does get a lot easier than the first few months.


Just read your profile and realise this is not your first time. I’m sorry that this has happened to you twice. It’s heartbreaking to do this once, let alone losing a second time x

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Thank you for your supportive replies. It’s good to know that this is not just me, I was starting to think I was losing it, and also wondering if the shaky hands and breathlessness is cause for concern. I can’t help worrying about also suddenly having a cardiac arrest in bed might happen to me, like it did to my lovely husband.
On waking I send a ‘thumbs up’ message to my son so that he knows I am ok and looking after his sister and that she is not all alone in the house. This really is a grim way to exist!
Thanks again. Xx

Yes, the second time is worse than the first. I was twenty years younger, more confident and my daughter’s needs were less. I loved my first husband dearly, and did not want to or expect to ever meet anyone else. I don’t remember feeling this inadequate or helpless. Xx

Willow just do one thing at a time. It’s perfectly normal to be feeling this way - it’s such early days for you , no matter if you’ve been through this before.
I’m so sorry you are here and that you are having such a struggle. Just one task and one hour at a time.
Do the things that need to be done and the rest can wait until you feel a little stronger.
Sending love and strength to you xxx

I have always been fairly efficient at getting things done, a bit of a control freak if I am honest. But this brain fog that has descended is a shock. When Jeremy died I told myself that I had done this once, so I could do it again. I try to take one day at a time and just do the stuff that really needs to be done and leave the rest. But it gets on my nerves looking at the piles of paperwork and chores and I worry that I will sink under it all. I think the shock of it happening again for the same cause of death has been cumulative. It brought back the pain of last time. It’s like once was more than enough, twice is unbearable.
I have managed to sort quite a few of the ‘admin tasks’ but I have made a few mistakes.
When my first husband died I eventually came to terms with it but there is still a Richard-shaped hole in my heart, I loved him so much, even when I went on to marry Jeremy five years later and I know that Jeremy also still loved his first wife. But we were so happy and in love with each other. Now I have two huge holes in my heart. But I will survive, as we all will. We have no choice. When I lost Richard the huge waves of grief got a teeny bit smaller and further apart slowly. I pray that the same happens again and for everyone here. For myself, I hope this feeling of uselessness and inadequacy also disappears.
Hugs and love to everyone. Xx


Just do one thing at a time. And when you get round to it - dont pressure yourself and be kind to yourself.
You are inspiring me to keep going as you have done, even though you have had so much sorrow in your life. I can hear that you also had much love and happiness so please hold onto that - it can keep you grounded in those difficult time.
Widow fog as I call it is awful. I can’t do half of what I used to be able to - today I drove to the post office to post some documents to my husbands work and when I got there realised I’d left them at home !!!
Take care - sending much love and strength xxx

Today I thought it was Saturday all day.

Today i thought it was Thursday and scolded my Grandson for not putting the wheelie bin out !, I did apologise when he told me I had mixed up the days :pensive: He is getting used to me being barmy at the moment. He is nearly 20 so understands.

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I have difficulty remembering what I did this morning. It’s really quite worrying. My sister just remarked that I seen to be dealing with everything well and she can’t understand how I carry on. My daughter is amazed that I get up and dressed each morning. So, maybe the memory loss is understandable and I can’t do everything?
We need to stop beating ourselves up. X

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