It’s fifteen months since I lost my husband. I thought I was doing well and especially didn’t want to upset my children by being too upset myself. Lately, though, I’ve been really struggling. I wonder if it’s because I’ve been too good at wearing a ‘coping’ mask - and I don’t know if I can wear it any more.
I felt I didn’t want to let my husband down - that I had to cope and be strong for the rest of the family. I thought things might be getting better by now, but these last few weeks have been even worse. I pretty much hate everything and everyone even though I maintain the mask.
Is this usual, after all this time?
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Yes - absolutely normal. My loss is more recent than yours but loss is loss and it can suddenly hit you like a train. You are coping because you really have no choice, but its such a hard thing to do. Its mentally challenging. All your emotions get internalised so at some point they have to come out. Allow yourself this time when you think you cant cope any more - you will find strength from getting through it. The grief never leaves you but i guess its finding ways round it. Sounds like you are strong - just keep going and find time for yourself.
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I’m learning that the worst thing for me is to control my grief according to what I think others might think I should feel and not what I actually feel.
I’ve reached the stage now where I think people will expect me to stop talking about my wife and move on although I have no desire to do either right now as it’s only 6 weeks since I lost her.
I’m constantly amazed by how wise some people are who haven’t experienced this utter and complete despair,pain and loss of someone who is one part of you.
I do know that if you try to supress your grief it will eventually cause more pain over a longer period so although you and I and others on this forum spend time thinking of how other people will react we really do need to focus on ourselves,and that is perfectly ok to do.
You only need your own permission to do and feel anything at this difficult time and there isn’t a time limit, 15 months or 5 years doesn’t matter.
I wonder how your children would react if you asked them to read your initial comment ? I bet that I could guess.
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Thank you all for your replies. I actually looked into local bereavement help. But, and I’m aware this may seem daft, I then had a really vivid dream where my husband said, “I see you sleeping “. This is not something I believe in, but the knot in my chest has loosened somewhat and I feel a bit better. I suppose we should take comfort in whatever form it comes.
I’m no less unhappy, but I feel more able to cope at the moment.
I did try to gear myself up to opening up to my children (grown children, by the way). But I just can’t - they have families of their own and it’s not fair of me to add to all the worries and burdens they already have.
I’m grateful for your replies. It helps to know that others understand.
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Its good you had that dream as it gave you comfort but you sound like you need someone to talk to so i would definitely give counselling a try if you really don’t want to worry your children. Have you got any close friends you can talk to or another family member? Just someone who can put their arms around you and let you open up for a while? I had counselling for a year a few years before my partner died as i’d got myself in a real low place and like you didn’t want to trouble my family. I found it helped. I was able to cry and talk and explain how i felt - which was initially very odd to do but after a few sessions gave me some sort of relief from my feelings. I’m also lucky that i have a very supportive sister who i now tell everything. Its good you are being strong on the face of it to protect your childrens’ feelings but i wonder how they would feel if they knew you were feeling so down and didn’t go to them for support? Sending you my best wishes and a virtual hug.
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There’s nothing normal about our journeys, we are all different and handle it in our own way. All we can do is be as positive as we can and tackle each new challenge as they appear.
Ive always been absolutely honest with family and friends, and without exception Im sure they like that and know how to respond, because they care about me, and that’s brilliant. If you dont say how you really feel they assume you are perfectly ok and reduce support, so nobody is happy, only ignorant of the truth.
Here’s a song which probably sums it up. Its one Ive just learnt to play on my guitar
That song is nice .ive never hered that before .But wish i had a few more rainy day people around me .16 weeks for me and the lonliness is relentless .This forum is brilliant but sometimes you just need a big hug also .Missing my partner so much love to all on this journey xxx
Hi @Hope5. What I forgot to add is that it was important that I went out to find/visit new friends. Ive been relentless in that because it was soon evident that they wouldn’t visit me as often as I would like, not because they aren’t kind or don’t care for me. They are busy people with lots of their own issues and priorities. I have a strict rule : Never turn down the offer of a coffee, never fail to invite anyone for a coffee, never turn down the chance of a friendship. There is a second one: Always ask for/offer a hug!! Never fails!!
Never forget that almost everyone wants another friend and a hug.
i hope you have the opportunity to get out there and see what can happen.
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